Kelly I realized recently that a current “funk” I’m in related a lot to my challenges with boundaries. So I was carrying that question in my mind for a few days and pow! This lands in my morning notifications…. Thanks for this.
Well, this is the scariest post you have ever written, in my opinion. Just in time for Halloween, LOL. I am experiencing anxiety in the form of chest pressure and shortness of breath just by reading about the idea of asking for what you want, and the experiences of others asking for what they want. Even the thought of someone saying “yes” to what I ask for is scary to me, because then it is my fault if things turn out worse than before I asked for anything. And then my thoughts spiral to the point that I don’t even know or trust that I know what I want. So, this is a big one for me.
Ha! I used to post something every year specifically for Halloween, and I hadn't realized I'd done it again. 😊
Thanks for acknowledging this kind of boundary-setting fear, Mary. Keep in mind, this is step seven of the Peaceful Pivot Process. The second part of the process, steps four through six - Getting Free - are specifically designed to reduce the very fear you're describing.
So, in a way, your fear is your mind and body's way of saying, "Don't rush into this openhearted boundary thing. Hang out in part two of the process for a while until you're ready." Trust that wisdom coming from yourself!
What a fantastic re-take on the subject of boundaries. The idea that the first boundary we need to make is with the invasive nature of our own fear, fear of just asking for what we want as a first step, is so helpful. I spoke at a corporate event a few years back following Jia Jang and had a chance to visit with him. For those who think that you'd need to be more outgoing to pull off the simple asking for things as Jia did, he was and is a very ordinary chap, almost true nerd, originally a software engineer I think. He didn't have any special charm or social skills, just mustered the courage to ask.
That's amazing that you got to connect with him in-person, Rick! His presentation on stage seems quite humble and soft-spoken. Glad to hear that's authentic. And you're right, it isolates the magic ingredient there: not an out-sized personality but significant courage and determination.
Yes, and yes! Your post makes me happy to see I am progressing with boundaries. One of my great regrets is allowing my ‘streetfighter’ part to set a boundary. The need was valid. The text was too direct, and ill-advised, and a text 😩. The lesson learned was hard—two years ago with rippling effects.
AND, currently, I am also growing and grateful. I experienced your examples of boundary levels on a plane this weekend. I had a, chosen and assigned, window seat. I boarded and found another passenger happily buckled into my seat. The flight attendant and, the currently sitting in my seat passenger, looked at me and decided I didn't mind taking the aisle. I felt the pressure to just accept and sat down. Cue co-dependent boundary with all the internal noise. I sat there for a minute and thought about the situation. I decided to quietly let the other passenger know I would like to change seats. Her response, “Easy switch!”, affirmed sometimes you have to ask.
If I hadn't asked and exercised that boundary, I would have missed the growth test. I passed! It mattered to me. I resolved a conflict in a healthy and affirming way. We are learning, Dr. Kelly! Thank you!
This is such a FANTASTIC real-world example of this post, Rhonda, thank you for sharing it! We can see how easy it would be to shift from a codependent to an independent boundary in that situation, getting aggressive rather than openhearted and simply asking. Well done, that took courage!
Kim, I love that addition of the word "practicing." May we embrace openhearted boundaries as a practice. Perhaps if we get our 10,000 hours in, it will become as rote as tying our shoes. 😊
I am noticing that I am more aware of my heart opening or not. And then when I let go and make the choice to open my heart, it falls out to extend bigger. It awaits for the door to reach out for virtues like forgiveness, humility, compassion etc. The spilling into a virtue moment simply requires that opening.
I can't tell you how exciting it is to me to hear that, Julia. As our awareness of our subtle openings and closings grows, so does our choice about it. We are very afraid of opening before we do it. I love to hear how you are discovering all the gifts of it that actually characterize it.
A single choice of a heart opening is like going through a door and then in that room are different doors with different paths of virtues. Once, I was very irritated by a person. I opted to open my heart and then the next door with an invitation was compassion. So I opened that and it gave peace. On another occasion, after I opted to open my heart door, i was invited to open the next door of humility to admit my bias... and so it goes... the space within expands and the opening of doors become safer.
Julia, I love, love, love this metaphor of a door that opens into a space with more doors. It makes me think of the wardrobe in the Chronicles of Narnia. The trigger is this very narrow wardrobe, but if we have the courage to enter into it, it opens onto a magical world. ❤️
Stage II here. This is fascinating and so on point, Kelly. I am learning to trust other people to decide if they can fulfill my requests without my need to assume for them, but it’s not easy.
Ha! Right? That's why I say that much of our personal growth happens in that interdependent space. It's when they say "no" and our heart starts to close and we learn how to keep it open without abandoning ourselves that we are transformed a little more. The more reps we get of this, the more we grow!
That's a great way to put it. It's an effective litmus test for whether we are triggered or not. If we can't handle a no, we can know we are operating from our younger self.
I've been thinking of this recently with an issue here at home, constant clutter in the living room and my 'dueling' has not been working. Ok, Dr. Kelly, I'm going to try 'dancing'!
I feel that, Cynthia! Dueling about the mess for some reason never reduces the mess, it just adds a messy duel to it. 😂 I'd LOVE to hear how things shift once you start dancing with it!
I just love the way this post just keeps on being framed with ‘an open heart is’… Over and over again. It’s a wonderful integration of the way ideally I like to be from inside out.
I’m focused on noticing that I’ve mastered the how to set boundaries for myself and present them to others, but how to set boundaries that require asking for help and then not reacting so much to the person‘s clean willingness to do so, or even micro resistances in their comments that trigger a reaction for me to take it back and say OK no worries . I got it.
I know I’m capable of asking for what I want and need, but I still attach it to wanting the person to want to do it for me. And especially seeing that it’s not too much of a bother in their own lives. Unfortunately, that comes from childhood, and I have taught my sons that too. 🫤 It will take some practice work and commitment to turn over a different worthy attitude, with an open heart, of course.
Marilyn, this completely resonates. One of the biggest sources of my own boundary hesitation is the fear of burdening others. I'm afraid they'll say yes when they really wanted to say no. Personally, I know I carry an extra helping of this fear because I've experienced that from the inside - I've often said yes when I meant no. These days, I'm trying to do that less, and trying to let myself become an instrument of other people's growth by simply making my ask and giving them another opportunity to say no if that's the real answer. 😊
I LOVE the mention of the guy who tried to get rejected for 100 days in a row. It has me thinking about the concept about asking for something, yet not being attached to the outcome. This is where true freedom comes from. In my anecdotal observations, it seems the less attached we get the the outcome, the more we tend to attain the desired outcomes.
Very strange, but surprisingly true. Perhaps this is real life living into resonant frequency.
This feels right on, Ken. The ego is always either attaching or resisting. The soul is simply participating and dancing. And it turns out, Existence enjoys a dance partner. So, then the ego, that sneaky little guy, tries to hijack "participating" as a new way of attaching. 😂
This lands like grace disguised as common sense. Most of us learned boundaries through bruises instead of trust, so we brace for war before we even open our mouths. Asking with an open heart feels risky because it strips away the armor, yet that is where the real power lives.
Blessed be the ones who remember that kindness and clarity are not opposites.
Thanks for this insight. Yes, I have encountered people who respect boundakries and some who just don't, no matter how positively (polite and openhearted) my approach. I used to be hurt. But now, either I keep arm's length or stand my grounds if need be.
Yes, this is such an important point: openheartedness isn't a hack to convince people to respect our boundaries. It's a brave action that begins to show us who is and who is not our people.
Amazing Kelly! I just watched the Krispy Kreme video and laughed out loud!!! I think I need to start rejection therapy! Now I need to figure out how to respond to the client that I have provided 2 hours of free service to b/c I'm afraid of rejection!
I really want to exercise this, especially with a narcissistic loved one in my life. But it IS scary. I think I would rather face a haunted house this weekend...
You said, “People want to help you, but they don’t know how to help until you tell them.” I’ve spent much of my life expecting people to read between the lines of my silence. There’s a quiet arrogance in that, assuming others should intuit my needs when I’m too afraid to voice them. This line felt like a mirror, showing how often my disappointment in others has really been disappointment in my own unwillingness to speak. And while I have become better at this, but sometimes still falter. :)
It’s disarming to realize how much peace could come from simply asking clearly. There’s a softness in that... an honesty that’s harder to hide behind.
I believe you’re right: asking isn’t a loss of power. It’s the first moment we let love have a direction. 🩵
Alex, thank you for this personal reflection, I love it as always. It lands with me, this sense of setting people up to fail you by not telling them what you need. Someone today just told me about a book called "Unlearning Silence," which is right in line with this!
I remember listening to a podcast interviewing Jia Jang. It took such courage to ask these outrageous requests while being heartwarming that people often helped.
He does indeed exude gentleness, humility, and kindness, which I'm sure didn't hurt in his efforts. Those are three pretty good hallmarks of openheartedness too!
Kelly I realized recently that a current “funk” I’m in related a lot to my challenges with boundaries. So I was carrying that question in my mind for a few days and pow! This lands in my morning notifications…. Thanks for this.
Love the synchronicity of that, Joe! I often say, "Resentment you feel today is a boundary you didn't set yesterday." 😊
Well, this is the scariest post you have ever written, in my opinion. Just in time for Halloween, LOL. I am experiencing anxiety in the form of chest pressure and shortness of breath just by reading about the idea of asking for what you want, and the experiences of others asking for what they want. Even the thought of someone saying “yes” to what I ask for is scary to me, because then it is my fault if things turn out worse than before I asked for anything. And then my thoughts spiral to the point that I don’t even know or trust that I know what I want. So, this is a big one for me.
Ha! I used to post something every year specifically for Halloween, and I hadn't realized I'd done it again. 😊
Thanks for acknowledging this kind of boundary-setting fear, Mary. Keep in mind, this is step seven of the Peaceful Pivot Process. The second part of the process, steps four through six - Getting Free - are specifically designed to reduce the very fear you're describing.
So, in a way, your fear is your mind and body's way of saying, "Don't rush into this openhearted boundary thing. Hang out in part two of the process for a while until you're ready." Trust that wisdom coming from yourself!
Thank you for your thoughtful and personal and useful response. I am eager to learn more and explore these steps.
What a fantastic re-take on the subject of boundaries. The idea that the first boundary we need to make is with the invasive nature of our own fear, fear of just asking for what we want as a first step, is so helpful. I spoke at a corporate event a few years back following Jia Jang and had a chance to visit with him. For those who think that you'd need to be more outgoing to pull off the simple asking for things as Jia did, he was and is a very ordinary chap, almost true nerd, originally a software engineer I think. He didn't have any special charm or social skills, just mustered the courage to ask.
That's amazing that you got to connect with him in-person, Rick! His presentation on stage seems quite humble and soft-spoken. Glad to hear that's authentic. And you're right, it isolates the magic ingredient there: not an out-sized personality but significant courage and determination.
Yes, authentic indeed.
“Dance rather than duel” is such a great and memorable image. Thank you!
Glad that image is helpful, Kelley!
Yes, and yes! Your post makes me happy to see I am progressing with boundaries. One of my great regrets is allowing my ‘streetfighter’ part to set a boundary. The need was valid. The text was too direct, and ill-advised, and a text 😩. The lesson learned was hard—two years ago with rippling effects.
AND, currently, I am also growing and grateful. I experienced your examples of boundary levels on a plane this weekend. I had a, chosen and assigned, window seat. I boarded and found another passenger happily buckled into my seat. The flight attendant and, the currently sitting in my seat passenger, looked at me and decided I didn't mind taking the aisle. I felt the pressure to just accept and sat down. Cue co-dependent boundary with all the internal noise. I sat there for a minute and thought about the situation. I decided to quietly let the other passenger know I would like to change seats. Her response, “Easy switch!”, affirmed sometimes you have to ask.
If I hadn't asked and exercised that boundary, I would have missed the growth test. I passed! It mattered to me. I resolved a conflict in a healthy and affirming way. We are learning, Dr. Kelly! Thank you!
This is such a FANTASTIC real-world example of this post, Rhonda, thank you for sharing it! We can see how easy it would be to shift from a codependent to an independent boundary in that situation, getting aggressive rather than openhearted and simply asking. Well done, that took courage!
So true and yet still hard to keep learning /practicing! Thank you for the encouragement!
Kim, I love that addition of the word "practicing." May we embrace openhearted boundaries as a practice. Perhaps if we get our 10,000 hours in, it will become as rote as tying our shoes. 😊
I am noticing that I am more aware of my heart opening or not. And then when I let go and make the choice to open my heart, it falls out to extend bigger. It awaits for the door to reach out for virtues like forgiveness, humility, compassion etc. The spilling into a virtue moment simply requires that opening.
I can't tell you how exciting it is to me to hear that, Julia. As our awareness of our subtle openings and closings grows, so does our choice about it. We are very afraid of opening before we do it. I love to hear how you are discovering all the gifts of it that actually characterize it.
A single choice of a heart opening is like going through a door and then in that room are different doors with different paths of virtues. Once, I was very irritated by a person. I opted to open my heart and then the next door with an invitation was compassion. So I opened that and it gave peace. On another occasion, after I opted to open my heart door, i was invited to open the next door of humility to admit my bias... and so it goes... the space within expands and the opening of doors become safer.
Julia, I love, love, love this metaphor of a door that opens into a space with more doors. It makes me think of the wardrobe in the Chronicles of Narnia. The trigger is this very narrow wardrobe, but if we have the courage to enter into it, it opens onto a magical world. ❤️
Stage II here. This is fascinating and so on point, Kelly. I am learning to trust other people to decide if they can fulfill my requests without my need to assume for them, but it’s not easy.
I mean… what if they say “no?” 😆
Ha! Right? That's why I say that much of our personal growth happens in that interdependent space. It's when they say "no" and our heart starts to close and we learn how to keep it open without abandoning ourselves that we are transformed a little more. The more reps we get of this, the more we grow!
When I am in a state of presence, I know I can survive a no.
But I am so often operating from more vulnerable parts, as if they are the real me.
That's a great way to put it. It's an effective litmus test for whether we are triggered or not. If we can't handle a no, we can know we are operating from our younger self.
100%, Kelly
I've been thinking of this recently with an issue here at home, constant clutter in the living room and my 'dueling' has not been working. Ok, Dr. Kelly, I'm going to try 'dancing'!
I feel that, Cynthia! Dueling about the mess for some reason never reduces the mess, it just adds a messy duel to it. 😂 I'd LOVE to hear how things shift once you start dancing with it!
I just love the way this post just keeps on being framed with ‘an open heart is’… Over and over again. It’s a wonderful integration of the way ideally I like to be from inside out.
I’m focused on noticing that I’ve mastered the how to set boundaries for myself and present them to others, but how to set boundaries that require asking for help and then not reacting so much to the person‘s clean willingness to do so, or even micro resistances in their comments that trigger a reaction for me to take it back and say OK no worries . I got it.
I know I’m capable of asking for what I want and need, but I still attach it to wanting the person to want to do it for me. And especially seeing that it’s not too much of a bother in their own lives. Unfortunately, that comes from childhood, and I have taught my sons that too. 🫤 It will take some practice work and commitment to turn over a different worthy attitude, with an open heart, of course.
Marilyn, this completely resonates. One of the biggest sources of my own boundary hesitation is the fear of burdening others. I'm afraid they'll say yes when they really wanted to say no. Personally, I know I carry an extra helping of this fear because I've experienced that from the inside - I've often said yes when I meant no. These days, I'm trying to do that less, and trying to let myself become an instrument of other people's growth by simply making my ask and giving them another opportunity to say no if that's the real answer. 😊
Ditto Kelly!!
I LOVE the mention of the guy who tried to get rejected for 100 days in a row. It has me thinking about the concept about asking for something, yet not being attached to the outcome. This is where true freedom comes from. In my anecdotal observations, it seems the less attached we get the the outcome, the more we tend to attain the desired outcomes.
Very strange, but surprisingly true. Perhaps this is real life living into resonant frequency.
This feels right on, Ken. The ego is always either attaching or resisting. The soul is simply participating and dancing. And it turns out, Existence enjoys a dance partner. So, then the ego, that sneaky little guy, tries to hijack "participating" as a new way of attaching. 😂
This lands like grace disguised as common sense. Most of us learned boundaries through bruises instead of trust, so we brace for war before we even open our mouths. Asking with an open heart feels risky because it strips away the armor, yet that is where the real power lives.
Blessed be the ones who remember that kindness and clarity are not opposites.
Love that, VMB: we learned boundaries through bruises. Now it's time to turn that on its head and to learn beauty through boundaries. 😊
Thanks for this insight. Yes, I have encountered people who respect boundakries and some who just don't, no matter how positively (polite and openhearted) my approach. I used to be hurt. But now, either I keep arm's length or stand my grounds if need be.
Yes, this is such an important point: openheartedness isn't a hack to convince people to respect our boundaries. It's a brave action that begins to show us who is and who is not our people.
Amazing Kelly! I just watched the Krispy Kreme video and laughed out loud!!! I think I need to start rejection therapy! Now I need to figure out how to respond to the client that I have provided 2 hours of free service to b/c I'm afraid of rejection!
Glad you enjoyed it, Tracy! And yes, it sounds like that client might be a good place otherwise start. 😊
Thx! So I applied your principles and was paid for an additional 40 minutes of work! And we ended things on good terms!!!
Wahoo! Real-world results, Tracy! I'm so happy for you!
I really want to exercise this, especially with a narcissistic loved one in my life. But it IS scary. I think I would rather face a haunted house this weekend...
Oof. That's like learning to drive on the Autobahn. I say practice on someone more likely to see you well. ☺️
Haha...got it.
You said, “People want to help you, but they don’t know how to help until you tell them.” I’ve spent much of my life expecting people to read between the lines of my silence. There’s a quiet arrogance in that, assuming others should intuit my needs when I’m too afraid to voice them. This line felt like a mirror, showing how often my disappointment in others has really been disappointment in my own unwillingness to speak. And while I have become better at this, but sometimes still falter. :)
It’s disarming to realize how much peace could come from simply asking clearly. There’s a softness in that... an honesty that’s harder to hide behind.
I believe you’re right: asking isn’t a loss of power. It’s the first moment we let love have a direction. 🩵
Alex, thank you for this personal reflection, I love it as always. It lands with me, this sense of setting people up to fail you by not telling them what you need. Someone today just told me about a book called "Unlearning Silence," which is right in line with this!
I remember listening to a podcast interviewing Jia Jang. It took such courage to ask these outrageous requests while being heartwarming that people often helped.
He does indeed exude gentleness, humility, and kindness, which I'm sure didn't hurt in his efforts. Those are three pretty good hallmarks of openheartedness too!