This is beautiful. I’ve often noticed that I’m the kind of person who does things forcefully, thinking that’s what’s needed in so many situations. I’ve often admired the gentle touch of some of my friends, though it often feels to me like a strange and dangerous way to move through the world.
This feels like a perfect experiment today. Something small and lovely to try on. Thank you 🙏
I love your idea of trying it out as an experiment today. I will join you. I have a specific moment in mind, where I tend to loose my patience and get too forceful. Thanks for the inspiration.
I also love your choice of the word "experiment". I've been using that word a lot recently, to help take the pressure off "getting it right" and move to a place of trying something outside what's habituated, to see what happens. ❤️
Allysha, I love how your response was met with so much enthusiasm. "Trying it on" as an "experiment" echoes the spirit of the post. You basically articulated how to not push harder at pushing lighter! Thank you for that. 🙏
It was such a great post to wake up to this morning. It’s been fun interacting with people around it today. Great observation about the “experiment”… Thanks for inspiring it all! 💜 ✨
Michele, I'm glad this resonated with you. It's a powerful stage of the family life cycle, this segueing into adulthood. The intersection of the past and present brings up so many strong emotions. It's so tempting to solve those emotions rather than feeling them!
Yes, LOL, our stovetop is touch activated, and you have to press very lightly or it won’t work. So…even man-made tools and appliances are being used to send us Devine messages. Well played, powers of the universe.
You have raised a wise soul! My father often delivered the same message to me. He was a flight instructor and taught me to fly. He often reminded me that white knuckling the wheel did not help landing the plane. Everything happens slow and smooth, even in an emergency, calm prevails over quick reaction.
Beautiful! I needed this reminder today, particularly around my young adult kids. I find myself clinging to the moments I’m with them so tightly to suck all the goodness out of it like I must devour it versus savor it bite by bite. Thank you!
So true, actually Dr Flanagan, I as “gen Xer” have also gotten into this 2 minutes rut. I call it that as our generation growing up saw the 2 minutes instant noodle come and we saw our elders making food for 10-20-30 mins and thought we can accomplish things faster and hence do more. At work one of my mentor taught me couple of years ago that 1 women gives birth in 9 months but I can’t have 9 women give birth in 1 month. Bringing the lesson home I stopped pushing my teen (then in the 10th grade) to do everything I wanted. It worked beautifully as she as honors student went on to take responsibility of her career. Spirituality has taught me that the loads we take are often unnecessary coming from our own insecurities and vulnerability as we haven’t fully accepted them. May we all accept ourselves and others around us. All the best to your son.
This is so well said, Khayati, and what a beautiful gift you gave to your daughter, to allow her to become who she is here to be, not who your insecurities needed her to be. As parents, we often worry from our wounds, and thus accidentally pass our wounds on to our children!
My daughter loathes school, she has one more year left. There is absolutely no joy in the process or courses. I have been pushing so hard for her to just get it done, for all the right reasons (I'm assuming at the moment) She has an amazing mind, and very talented at the things that interest her. Your wisdom today, is an excellent reminder. Somethings are so very hard to do lightly because of the tight hard grip of fear (insert various reasons) on us (me). Perhaps the energy on pushing harder has to be put into untangling from fear.
I think you're exactly right, Dee. You love your daughter and you don't want to see her suffering, so the temptation is to "press harder" on her getting through this school situation. I'm starting to realize the "pressing harder" though just becomes another layer of suffering. Best to be with them in the suffering rather than rushing them through it. She's lucky to have a mom reflecting so deeply on these kinds of things!
Your posts bring tears to my eyes just about every time! I love Quinn's awareness and honesty "I’d rather just have dinner with you" ... and what that says about your relationship, and the father you've been and are to him. ❤️ Thank you for sharing this story.
That line got to me too. Most every parent would love to hear it. And you are so right about what that sentence said about Kelly's relationship with his son and the type of dad he is to Quinn.
Great minds think alike, and great hearts cry alike? 😊
I love that kid so much. I'm aware of how much I've done wrong as a parent, but starting to realize I've done one thing well: I've loved my kids for who they are.
So, in turn, he's teaching me what it looks like to show up in the world without the compulsion to be something else.
This was beautiful, Kelly. What a wonderful message to remember, forevermore.
As for this... "He gives me the kind of look you’d give a senior citizen who tells you their TV is broken because they can’t figure out how to turn it on.
“Show me what you’re doing,” he says.
I laughed way too hard. As parents, most of us have experienced that look and similar type of communication from our teen children.
And it's getting worse every day! I'm starting to realize why my elders always seemed so clueless: they'd lost all motivation to keep up with the constant changes! 😂
I’m seeing my impatience mirrored here, too… impatience I long didn’t realize I had.
A mantra for the recent space crew was “no fast hands.” I heard it only a week or so ago but it’s stuck with me. It’s not who I am.
It’s also permission to slow down, to step out of the insecurities that often drive that impatience.
I love feats of strength, but can’t help remembering that say Olympic lifting has a boatload of nuance, developed with care and slowly increasing loads, baked into it.
Thanks for the reflections, Kelly. And I’m so happy for you to have added one more precious memory as you approach this big transition.
This reflection of yours hits hard for me, too, Julie. I think my impatience has dressed itself up as "having goals." In the end, the goals really have me.
I'm going to look up "no fast hands." It has all the makings of a new mantra for me. 🙏
What beautiful, insightful stories that tie together and remind us to pay attention to our responses. How to pause, step back and move with less intensity often open up the lock inside that is stuck. My patterned approach is to keep using force to unjam it but what actually is needed is a patient gentleness. Ahh…begin again with a more present approach!
Yes (wanting my husband to change requires a much "lighter" touch! LOL). Thanks for these powerful illustrations--for pausing to see what God has placed right in front of you and for your willingness to humbly share those insights with us. This lesson reminds me of the book "Try Softer" by Aundi Kolber. It was not as impactful as "Loveable" was to me, but it still had some wonderful nuggets of truth I needed at the time (and probably still do). Her words reminded me (as you often do) to slow down and look inward to see what information lies within that can help me navigate life without. She encourages readers to see ourselves and our lives from a bird's-eye view, allowing grace and self-compassion to lead us forward for the purpose of connection. Being gracious to myself is still a struggle, but with guides like Brene Brown, Aundi Kolber, and you, Kelly Flanagan, I am making progress. Looking forward to the next installment of "The Road Less Triggered"!
Love the humorous self-awareness in that opening line, Ramona! 😂
I thought of Aundi's book frequently while reflecting on and writing this post. It's so good, and I'd recommend it to anyone who resonated with this. And Aundi is here on Substack now, too!
This is beautiful. I’ve often noticed that I’m the kind of person who does things forcefully, thinking that’s what’s needed in so many situations. I’ve often admired the gentle touch of some of my friends, though it often feels to me like a strange and dangerous way to move through the world.
This feels like a perfect experiment today. Something small and lovely to try on. Thank you 🙏
I love your idea of trying it out as an experiment today. I will join you. I have a specific moment in mind, where I tend to loose my patience and get too forceful. Thanks for the inspiration.
Love this, Mary. 💜 ✨
I also love your choice of the word "experiment". I've been using that word a lot recently, to help take the pressure off "getting it right" and move to a place of trying something outside what's habituated, to see what happens. ❤️
Allysha, I'm taking this idea! And adding one of my favorite phrases, "It's possible..."
-It's possible I don't need to try so hard right now.
-It's possible I don't need to force this.
-It's possible I'm exerting too much pressure.
Love it, Marika. 💜 ✨
Another great example of not pushing harder at pressing lighter. Love this, Marika!
Allysha, I love how your response was met with so much enthusiasm. "Trying it on" as an "experiment" echoes the spirit of the post. You basically articulated how to not push harder at pushing lighter! Thank you for that. 🙏
It was such a great post to wake up to this morning. It’s been fun interacting with people around it today. Great observation about the “experiment”… Thanks for inspiring it all! 💜 ✨
Watching you all interact about it has been a joy to me, as well! ❤️
Great post, Kelly. As a mom of two boys, one in college and the other a junior, this really moved me. Such good advice.
Michele, I'm glad this resonated with you. It's a powerful stage of the family life cycle, this segueing into adulthood. The intersection of the past and present brings up so many strong emotions. It's so tempting to solve those emotions rather than feeling them!
Yes, LOL, our stovetop is touch activated, and you have to press very lightly or it won’t work. So…even man-made tools and appliances are being used to send us Devine messages. Well played, powers of the universe.
Ha! Your stovetop will be such a good reminder every time you turn it on! ❤️
The Tao in a nutshell. Thanks for the real-live examples, Kelly!
Thank you for making that connection, Don. 🙏
You have raised a wise soul! My father often delivered the same message to me. He was a flight instructor and taught me to fly. He often reminded me that white knuckling the wheel did not help landing the plane. Everything happens slow and smooth, even in an emergency, calm prevails over quick reaction.
Great lesson from your father. Thank you for sharing it with us today, Todd.
Reminds me of that Navy SEALS adage: slow is smooth and smooth is fast. What a blessing to have a father who guided you like that, Todd!
Beautiful! I needed this reminder today, particularly around my young adult kids. I find myself clinging to the moments I’m with them so tightly to suck all the goodness out of it like I must devour it versus savor it bite by bite. Thank you!
omg the "seeing him honored" line slayed me...
Me too, Marika. I may have shed a few tears when those words came out of my "pen." 😢
Devour versus savor is such a good contrast to name and be intentional about, Lynn. 🙏
Yes!
🙏
So true, actually Dr Flanagan, I as “gen Xer” have also gotten into this 2 minutes rut. I call it that as our generation growing up saw the 2 minutes instant noodle come and we saw our elders making food for 10-20-30 mins and thought we can accomplish things faster and hence do more. At work one of my mentor taught me couple of years ago that 1 women gives birth in 9 months but I can’t have 9 women give birth in 1 month. Bringing the lesson home I stopped pushing my teen (then in the 10th grade) to do everything I wanted. It worked beautifully as she as honors student went on to take responsibility of her career. Spirituality has taught me that the loads we take are often unnecessary coming from our own insecurities and vulnerability as we haven’t fully accepted them. May we all accept ourselves and others around us. All the best to your son.
This is so well said, Khayati, and what a beautiful gift you gave to your daughter, to allow her to become who she is here to be, not who your insecurities needed her to be. As parents, we often worry from our wounds, and thus accidentally pass our wounds on to our children!
My daughter loathes school, she has one more year left. There is absolutely no joy in the process or courses. I have been pushing so hard for her to just get it done, for all the right reasons (I'm assuming at the moment) She has an amazing mind, and very talented at the things that interest her. Your wisdom today, is an excellent reminder. Somethings are so very hard to do lightly because of the tight hard grip of fear (insert various reasons) on us (me). Perhaps the energy on pushing harder has to be put into untangling from fear.
I think you're exactly right, Dee. You love your daughter and you don't want to see her suffering, so the temptation is to "press harder" on her getting through this school situation. I'm starting to realize the "pressing harder" though just becomes another layer of suffering. Best to be with them in the suffering rather than rushing them through it. She's lucky to have a mom reflecting so deeply on these kinds of things!
Your posts bring tears to my eyes just about every time! I love Quinn's awareness and honesty "I’d rather just have dinner with you" ... and what that says about your relationship, and the father you've been and are to him. ❤️ Thank you for sharing this story.
That line got to me too. Most every parent would love to hear it. And you are so right about what that sentence said about Kelly's relationship with his son and the type of dad he is to Quinn.
Appreciate this kindness from the two of you. 🙏
Great minds think alike, and great hearts cry alike? 😊
I love that kid so much. I'm aware of how much I've done wrong as a parent, but starting to realize I've done one thing well: I've loved my kids for who they are.
So, in turn, he's teaching me what it looks like to show up in the world without the compulsion to be something else.
What a blessing.
This was beautiful, Kelly. What a wonderful message to remember, forevermore.
As for this... "He gives me the kind of look you’d give a senior citizen who tells you their TV is broken because they can’t figure out how to turn it on.
“Show me what you’re doing,” he says.
I laughed way too hard. As parents, most of us have experienced that look and similar type of communication from our teen children.
And it's getting worse every day! I'm starting to realize why my elders always seemed so clueless: they'd lost all motivation to keep up with the constant changes! 😂
I’m seeing my impatience mirrored here, too… impatience I long didn’t realize I had.
A mantra for the recent space crew was “no fast hands.” I heard it only a week or so ago but it’s stuck with me. It’s not who I am.
It’s also permission to slow down, to step out of the insecurities that often drive that impatience.
I love feats of strength, but can’t help remembering that say Olympic lifting has a boatload of nuance, developed with care and slowly increasing loads, baked into it.
Thanks for the reflections, Kelly. And I’m so happy for you to have added one more precious memory as you approach this big transition.
This reflection of yours hits hard for me, too, Julie. I think my impatience has dressed itself up as "having goals." In the end, the goals really have me.
I'm going to look up "no fast hands." It has all the makings of a new mantra for me. 🙏
This concept reminds me of the.38 Special song…”so hold on loosely, but don’t let go, if you cling too tightly, you’re gonna lose control “
Just looked it up, Roger. So good!
https://youtu.be/vJtf7R_oVaw?si=zVTenYdHcDRLfrj6
What beautiful, insightful stories that tie together and remind us to pay attention to our responses. How to pause, step back and move with less intensity often open up the lock inside that is stuck. My patterned approach is to keep using force to unjam it but what actually is needed is a patient gentleness. Ahh…begin again with a more present approach!
Love all the phrases you use here, Valerie: pause, step back, less intensity, patient gentleness, present approach. 🙏
Yes (wanting my husband to change requires a much "lighter" touch! LOL). Thanks for these powerful illustrations--for pausing to see what God has placed right in front of you and for your willingness to humbly share those insights with us. This lesson reminds me of the book "Try Softer" by Aundi Kolber. It was not as impactful as "Loveable" was to me, but it still had some wonderful nuggets of truth I needed at the time (and probably still do). Her words reminded me (as you often do) to slow down and look inward to see what information lies within that can help me navigate life without. She encourages readers to see ourselves and our lives from a bird's-eye view, allowing grace and self-compassion to lead us forward for the purpose of connection. Being gracious to myself is still a struggle, but with guides like Brene Brown, Aundi Kolber, and you, Kelly Flanagan, I am making progress. Looking forward to the next installment of "The Road Less Triggered"!
Love the humorous self-awareness in that opening line, Ramona! 😂
I thought of Aundi's book frequently while reflecting on and writing this post. It's so good, and I'd recommend it to anyone who resonated with this. And Aundi is here on Substack now, too!
Good post! I needed this today.
Glad this resonated with you where you're at today, Deborah!