I'll bite. Not sure if I can get on the live session or not but here you go:
Preface: I adore my wife. I am attracted to her and love her to pieces. Like me she is not super healthy and fit. We need to be more active and health conscious at the very least, so that we don't miss out on good times in the future because of complications that are surely on the way if we do nothing different now. I am so bad at committing to any kind of physical activity. I was in the army and did mediocre at best while in but it kept me fairly fit because I was made to be with a group who demanded a minimum standard of fitness. Once out I lost any motivation, got hurt a couple times, and ultimately just have no drive to get fit again. My wife had 3 children...that's enough right there. I personally like doing stuff with her, even pushing myself in her presence. I believe I would stick to a plan she was also on. We did a whole year on Keto years back. I didn't quit until she quit. I know this is codependent type stuff but hey, I know I would be more and do more if she was into it too. But like you say, I need to self reflect which also means I should self initiate to get somewhere. So maybe I need a whole other perspective.
Question: How do I encourage my wife to do what she wants to do but is not motivated to do when my motivation is very closely tied to her motivation? I don't think me trying to "make" her do anything like some kind of fitness coach is feasible...it's too much...I see it leading to an argument. I'm also not interested in "managing" her fitness. I just want to participate with her in it but don't know where my encouragement should come from.
Glad you bit, JC, you're the only one here right now! 😊
In a way, I see you answering your own question. You're recognizing the hints of codependency in wanting your wife to do something so you'll want to do it too. You're also seeing how your attempts to do so could lead to conflict. What you're noticing is a very common tendency in relationships: the temptation to get the other person to change something so that it will change something in you.
Part II. The biggest influence on my relational growth in the last few years has been noticing that I'm not a control freak, but a control sneak. I think there are three forms of controllers in relationships: Sellers, Mentors, and Dictators. Sellers have a subtle agenda, an outcome they're always angling toward, rather than just being in connection. Mentors see themselves as slightly "ahead" of their people, so they're always trying to coach them to change, catch up, heal, evolve, etc. And of course, Dictators try to directly control their people's actions to achieve a personal gain. You're noticing that if you become a Seller with your wife with regard to fitness, she'll sense it and resist it, and the two of you will be in greater conflict instead of connection.
Part III. If we're talking about straight advice: let go of the belief that you'll only get in shape if she does. It's holding you back from exploring other options. What you noticed in the Army (btw, all these years and never knew you were in the Army!) was that accountability is crucial for your motivation when doing things you aren't intrinsically motivated to do. So, go find accountability. Hire a personal trainer. Find a friend you'd disappoint if you didn't show up at the gym together. The most powerful influence you can have is to get fit and become a model of that for your people, without pressuring them to do so.
P.S. I hate exercise. I've dabbled in it for years but never gotten serious until the last twelve months. Establishing the habits were brutal, but now I hate to miss a work out. Accountability can get you over that hump to habit!
Yeah. You know what stinks...I know. OHHH I HATE that I know. I've been fit in my past. I know my limits, I know what it took to get me there, I also know it only took 9 weeks for the Army to get me from zero to wannabe hero. Still, while I was in, I hated it. Like every time, all the time. It's actually part of factors that lead to me leaving the Army. Still, team or no team. Partner or not, it's really on me and its really all about discipline, not motivation. I'm disciplined to brush my teeth. I'm disciplined to shower and to feed myself (maybe I'm motivated to feed myself and that's a problem). Still, I know that I don't have to do crazy Army stuff or even heavy painful things to just get physically stabilized. The thing is this really, really weighs on me (no pun intended). I know that my success down the line can be boosted by my physical well being. Not only just feeling confident and having energy but people who look like they take care of themselves will get that little clout boost subjectively given to anyone like that. We may not like superficial things but so many people give just that little extra bit of respect and attention to "attractive" people. I don't have to be a model but not looking like a slob really helps. Large people can look nice and dress well but there is an underlying understanding that their bulges represent a place of self care that has been neglected. I know this from my own experiences and feelings that have been maladjusted due to how others treat me and how I've seen people treat others. Anyway. Thanks for fielding my thoughts with me. I appreciate it.
"I don't have to do crazy Army stuff." I think that's your way forward. Maybe play with the idea that getting fit doesn't need to be miserable, could perhaps even be a little enjoyable. What would that look like?
JC, I’m way late to this party, but I wondered as I read your comment if you taking the lead and starting to make these changes because you know YOU need to won’t end up having the pleasant side effect of your wife feeling more motivated to join you, thus leading to the two of you tackling the issue together just like you were hoping for in the first place?
No guarantees, of course, but seems like a possibility, and you’d be doing something either way. (And the creativity coach in me wants to advocate for small steps in building any habit so it seems easy rather than like “crazy Army stuff.” 😁)
I (at least the conscious "I") subscribe fully to your assertion here. The assertion that restoring my relationship to myself is the answer to all of my "relationship" challenges. Having said that, I seem to forget more often than I'd like to. And when I forget, I find myself sowing or escalating external conflict more often than I'd like. Which in turn creates an internal rift. It's an unfortunate cycle until I find my way back to the consciousness that allows me to draw myself out of it.
I guess my question is, I would love to hear any strategies that you offer for finding that consciousness sooner? I'd like to find them before the internal tension starts leaking out of me.
Anyone who reads this is going to be able to relate to it, Mike. And in your wisdom, the phrase "the internal tension starts leaking out of me" is very important. We try to connect in order to sooth ourselves, when in fact we need to first soothe ourselves in order to connect. By the time we're saying and doing things in the hope of relieving some of that internal tension, we've usually already started down the path to conflict instead of connection. So, the bad news is, that internal tension doesn't feel good. However, the good news is, your internal tension is your earliest warning sign that something needs your conscious attention.
The first thing you could do is an exercise I call Name Your Number. On a scale from 0 to 10, with zero being "I'm completely closed-hearted" and ten being "I'm completely open-hearted," what is your number in this moment? You can use your body to assign this number. The higher the tension, the lower the number. If you can practice this mindfully throughout the day, you will become much more attuned to that inner tension, so you will notice your heart starting to close long before it actually does, and this will restore to you some more freedom of choice about how you want to handle it.
You can further bring consciousness to that moment by recognizing that internal tension as the fight-or-flight response. Your nervous system is activating to react to a threat. We can ask ourselves in that moment, "What is it that I feel threatened by right now?" You can further expand your awareness about the pain point you're wanting to avoid in that moment if you remember that fight-or-flight only occurs in response to existential threats. So, the answer probably isn't, "I feel tension because my wife asked me to go to the grocery store while she goes out with her friends." That's not an existential threat, that's just a chance to listen to a podcast with your earbuds. However, more existentially, it may be something like, "She's choosing others over me. I don't feel safe when I don't belong. I can't handle this loneliness."
This is all so good. Thank you. It sounds so obvious to type but I'll type it anyways because it alluded me to some degree up until your advice! I see now that my challenge is rooted in the fact that I sometimes "rely" on external conflict to alert me to my internal distress/disconnect. My job is to care for my internal state BEFORE needing the external reminder.
"It has nothing to do with your communications skills and it has everything to do with the moment your heart closes. That’s the moment all communication and connection comes to a halt."
There is so much quoting of people like Seneca, Helena Bonham Carter, Jonny Depp... and who knows who else. And there is nothing wrong about that but it's worth noticing that we can pull so many good quotes from each other, the people we're connecting with.
You two are very kind! Klara, I'm adding your question from Notes - about how to handle it when our people insist on staying closed-hearted - to the list of topics to vote on for our next Human Hour.
Not sure how to word this but here goes……In order to have a relationship with yourself there has to be a “self”. What happens when you wake up one day and realize there never was a “self”, only a person who managed to be someone everyone around her needed her to be. I was a nurse for 20years and it wasn’t until switching careers (I now work in a pharmacy) that I am getting to see parts of myself (good and bad) that I never knew were there. This is very exciting and scary at the same time.
My question is, how do you get past the guilt and shame of acknowledging yourself as a “self” when your whole life has been about others and their needs? I may be too late posting but feels good to write it out!
Donna, I'm so glad it helped for you to write it out. And next time we do this, I think I'll eliminate the office hours concept so you all know you can submit questions whenever you want.
My first reaction is to encourage you to read "Loveable" if you haven't already read it. In it, I explore how most of us can't remember our true self, because the need to bury it is often the very thing that triggers a kid to start recording memories. Alice Miller's "The Drama of the Gift Child: The Search for the True Self" is another excellent resource in this regard.
Second, the good news is that phrase "when you wake up one day and realize there never was a 'self.'" The part of you doing the waking up, and the realizing, and the seeing of the false self you built to please others in order to stay safe, IS your true self. What is THAT part of you like? The way you're describing it, she sounds aware, wise, brave, and thrilled to be speaking up about all of this finally!
Thank you Kelly. I have read loveable I believe when it first came out. I also listened to the loveable podcast. My children were small then so might be worthwhile revisiting. I will definitely check out the the other book you recommended. Wishing you a Happy Easter!
I have been married for 37 yrs. I am the survivor of sexual abuse and yet only became aware of it during my own parenting years. My husband as been my daughter’s step dad and truly her dad since she was 5. Due to a very unhealthy bond created by him with her it ended up in sexual boundaries being crossed when she was 13-14. My daughter spoke up, CPS got involved, family therapy, individual therapy … and reunited. The covert behavior stopped yet the overt did not and continued until 35 yrs later deeper healing by my daughter and myself and more information disclosed I separated from my husband until he get help. He did… went to several intensive weeks for self, us and all three of us where God’s redemptive power has Turkey blessed us.
With that said, I have forgiven him, my daughter has, he has really honored and built a healthier relation with my daughter as he truly loves her as a daughter …. YET, I continue to have this vault of feelings inside of me that needs attention and he will not go there or honor them. It stems largely from the SECRET I felt I was under for the 35 yrs which affected our relationship, contributed to a mental breakdown I had; contributed to tension in our home while raising our son (who just found out about it a couple of years ago and devastated him) ; constant tension and many fights felt/ heard by my son.. because I pleaded with my husband to tell him…. Anyway, it is all the emotions around the Secret that he does not seem to understand how devastating it was for me and continues today because it still feels like a secret as I do not speak of it when telling my story …Yet it is a vital part of my story. What do I do that honors him yet honors myself as well in my healing empowering journey.
Terry, first, I want to encourage you to make sure you've established a therapeutic relationship with a professional in order to fully work through these issues and questions. It is a layered and complicated situation, and you deserve the space to sort it out slowly over time.
Second, it is one of my personal tendencies, when I've hurt the people I love, to try to fix it as quickly as possible and move on. I want everyone to get their hearts back open to me as soon as they can so I can put it behind me. It's a point of growth for me to allow my people to take as much time as they need to recover from whatever happened between us. Along those lines, you deserve whatever space and time you need to work through your feelings of hurt. Pain outlasts forgiveness. Give yourself the time you need to heal the pain, and to get your own clarity about who you want to be able to share this experience with and who you don't.
I hope that helps a little. Now make sure you're talking to another professional who can help you a lot more!
A lot has moved today and I realised that the feeling I carry could be a question to this space. Though I'm not sure if it's late to ask.
I have been exposed to experiences that culminated with another very obvious one that I now feel distrustful in men's intentions in relating. I don't want to be paranoid but having seen so much behaviour that seems so convincing of genuine good intentions, only to be surprised with sudden shifts, I wonder what I can do to see through. The question inside is "Who can I trust?"
I don't want to be so suspicious an expect the bad to the point that I create a personal reality where I push away the good because I misjudge them.
I recognise that with increasing maturation and as I've cleared out some issues from my youth that motivated me to seek 'fillers' in others, I'm not as susceptible to falling in those traps. But I wonder if there a way for me (for us) to see where I (we) might have space to mature further.
For example, I see that wherever we have an insecurity, we are vulnerable. Lovability, likability, self-worth, insecurity around self-expression, being yourself... (other?) The moment someone plays into our insecurity, consciously and intentionally or not, they have power over us. They give us a 'filler' for something we haven't yet learned to be. And I'm not sure if we can notice that it's happening until we rise. Because I understand that these shadows in the subconscious so we don't really see them at play until we rise above them.
Then I'm curious if there is a way, tool or technique that psychology brings to us, or your synthesis from all of your various experiences to take people on a journey to recognizing these shadows and rise.
Then also positive projections and creating an unreal view of the other.
I am really curious what you might say to this. Thank you so much, Kelly!
I have ideas but honestly it's making the time work. I have the time, but committing to spending the time. I can bike, walk, do body weight exercises and then there all the options if I want to get a membership somewhere. I mostly just find myself frozen in a desire to not be committed. I feel tired. I feel some anxiety over doing anything purposefully. I am dedicated to work, I am vigilant in any task related to family, but for me I just want to watch TV or eat something sugary instead of take more time to go do hard sweaty things. I could get up early, but then I'm even more tired at the end if the day and so many days in I'm tired when I get up. I don't know if I need a tragedy to change my perspective or what but, the thought of committing to well being is one of those shut down events for me. This us where having someone else committed to keeping me committed is kind of desirable.
I'll bite. Not sure if I can get on the live session or not but here you go:
Preface: I adore my wife. I am attracted to her and love her to pieces. Like me she is not super healthy and fit. We need to be more active and health conscious at the very least, so that we don't miss out on good times in the future because of complications that are surely on the way if we do nothing different now. I am so bad at committing to any kind of physical activity. I was in the army and did mediocre at best while in but it kept me fairly fit because I was made to be with a group who demanded a minimum standard of fitness. Once out I lost any motivation, got hurt a couple times, and ultimately just have no drive to get fit again. My wife had 3 children...that's enough right there. I personally like doing stuff with her, even pushing myself in her presence. I believe I would stick to a plan she was also on. We did a whole year on Keto years back. I didn't quit until she quit. I know this is codependent type stuff but hey, I know I would be more and do more if she was into it too. But like you say, I need to self reflect which also means I should self initiate to get somewhere. So maybe I need a whole other perspective.
Question: How do I encourage my wife to do what she wants to do but is not motivated to do when my motivation is very closely tied to her motivation? I don't think me trying to "make" her do anything like some kind of fitness coach is feasible...it's too much...I see it leading to an argument. I'm also not interested in "managing" her fitness. I just want to participate with her in it but don't know where my encouragement should come from.
Glad you bit, JC, you're the only one here right now! 😊
In a way, I see you answering your own question. You're recognizing the hints of codependency in wanting your wife to do something so you'll want to do it too. You're also seeing how your attempts to do so could lead to conflict. What you're noticing is a very common tendency in relationships: the temptation to get the other person to change something so that it will change something in you.
Part II. The biggest influence on my relational growth in the last few years has been noticing that I'm not a control freak, but a control sneak. I think there are three forms of controllers in relationships: Sellers, Mentors, and Dictators. Sellers have a subtle agenda, an outcome they're always angling toward, rather than just being in connection. Mentors see themselves as slightly "ahead" of their people, so they're always trying to coach them to change, catch up, heal, evolve, etc. And of course, Dictators try to directly control their people's actions to achieve a personal gain. You're noticing that if you become a Seller with your wife with regard to fitness, she'll sense it and resist it, and the two of you will be in greater conflict instead of connection.
Part III. If we're talking about straight advice: let go of the belief that you'll only get in shape if she does. It's holding you back from exploring other options. What you noticed in the Army (btw, all these years and never knew you were in the Army!) was that accountability is crucial for your motivation when doing things you aren't intrinsically motivated to do. So, go find accountability. Hire a personal trainer. Find a friend you'd disappoint if you didn't show up at the gym together. The most powerful influence you can have is to get fit and become a model of that for your people, without pressuring them to do so.
P.S. I hate exercise. I've dabbled in it for years but never gotten serious until the last twelve months. Establishing the habits were brutal, but now I hate to miss a work out. Accountability can get you over that hump to habit!
Yeah. You know what stinks...I know. OHHH I HATE that I know. I've been fit in my past. I know my limits, I know what it took to get me there, I also know it only took 9 weeks for the Army to get me from zero to wannabe hero. Still, while I was in, I hated it. Like every time, all the time. It's actually part of factors that lead to me leaving the Army. Still, team or no team. Partner or not, it's really on me and its really all about discipline, not motivation. I'm disciplined to brush my teeth. I'm disciplined to shower and to feed myself (maybe I'm motivated to feed myself and that's a problem). Still, I know that I don't have to do crazy Army stuff or even heavy painful things to just get physically stabilized. The thing is this really, really weighs on me (no pun intended). I know that my success down the line can be boosted by my physical well being. Not only just feeling confident and having energy but people who look like they take care of themselves will get that little clout boost subjectively given to anyone like that. We may not like superficial things but so many people give just that little extra bit of respect and attention to "attractive" people. I don't have to be a model but not looking like a slob really helps. Large people can look nice and dress well but there is an underlying understanding that their bulges represent a place of self care that has been neglected. I know this from my own experiences and feelings that have been maladjusted due to how others treat me and how I've seen people treat others. Anyway. Thanks for fielding my thoughts with me. I appreciate it.
"I don't have to do crazy Army stuff." I think that's your way forward. Maybe play with the idea that getting fit doesn't need to be miserable, could perhaps even be a little enjoyable. What would that look like?
JC, I’m way late to this party, but I wondered as I read your comment if you taking the lead and starting to make these changes because you know YOU need to won’t end up having the pleasant side effect of your wife feeling more motivated to join you, thus leading to the two of you tackling the issue together just like you were hoping for in the first place?
No guarantees, of course, but seems like a possibility, and you’d be doing something either way. (And the creativity coach in me wants to advocate for small steps in building any habit so it seems easy rather than like “crazy Army stuff.” 😁)
I (at least the conscious "I") subscribe fully to your assertion here. The assertion that restoring my relationship to myself is the answer to all of my "relationship" challenges. Having said that, I seem to forget more often than I'd like to. And when I forget, I find myself sowing or escalating external conflict more often than I'd like. Which in turn creates an internal rift. It's an unfortunate cycle until I find my way back to the consciousness that allows me to draw myself out of it.
I guess my question is, I would love to hear any strategies that you offer for finding that consciousness sooner? I'd like to find them before the internal tension starts leaking out of me.
Anyone who reads this is going to be able to relate to it, Mike. And in your wisdom, the phrase "the internal tension starts leaking out of me" is very important. We try to connect in order to sooth ourselves, when in fact we need to first soothe ourselves in order to connect. By the time we're saying and doing things in the hope of relieving some of that internal tension, we've usually already started down the path to conflict instead of connection. So, the bad news is, that internal tension doesn't feel good. However, the good news is, your internal tension is your earliest warning sign that something needs your conscious attention.
The first thing you could do is an exercise I call Name Your Number. On a scale from 0 to 10, with zero being "I'm completely closed-hearted" and ten being "I'm completely open-hearted," what is your number in this moment? You can use your body to assign this number. The higher the tension, the lower the number. If you can practice this mindfully throughout the day, you will become much more attuned to that inner tension, so you will notice your heart starting to close long before it actually does, and this will restore to you some more freedom of choice about how you want to handle it.
You can further bring consciousness to that moment by recognizing that internal tension as the fight-or-flight response. Your nervous system is activating to react to a threat. We can ask ourselves in that moment, "What is it that I feel threatened by right now?" You can further expand your awareness about the pain point you're wanting to avoid in that moment if you remember that fight-or-flight only occurs in response to existential threats. So, the answer probably isn't, "I feel tension because my wife asked me to go to the grocery store while she goes out with her friends." That's not an existential threat, that's just a chance to listen to a podcast with your earbuds. However, more existentially, it may be something like, "She's choosing others over me. I don't feel safe when I don't belong. I can't handle this loneliness."
This is all so good. Thank you. It sounds so obvious to type but I'll type it anyways because it alluded me to some degree up until your advice! I see now that my challenge is rooted in the fact that I sometimes "rely" on external conflict to alert me to my internal distress/disconnect. My job is to care for my internal state BEFORE needing the external reminder.
That is a brilliant way to say it, and yes, I think that's absolutely true: most of us rely on conflict to alert us that something's off. Well said!
"It has nothing to do with your communications skills and it has everything to do with the moment your heart closes. That’s the moment all communication and connection comes to a halt."
That I've come to notice, too.
I appreciate hearing it from you.
"We try to connect in order to sooth ourselves, when in fact we need to first soothe ourselves in order to connect."
I can't not pull it from the comments :)
That stood out to me, too, Klara! He does have a way, doesn't he?!?
There is so much quoting of people like Seneca, Helena Bonham Carter, Jonny Depp... and who knows who else. And there is nothing wrong about that but it's worth noticing that we can pull so many good quotes from each other, the people we're connecting with.
You two are very kind! Klara, I'm adding your question from Notes - about how to handle it when our people insist on staying closed-hearted - to the list of topics to vote on for our next Human Hour.
Not sure how to word this but here goes……In order to have a relationship with yourself there has to be a “self”. What happens when you wake up one day and realize there never was a “self”, only a person who managed to be someone everyone around her needed her to be. I was a nurse for 20years and it wasn’t until switching careers (I now work in a pharmacy) that I am getting to see parts of myself (good and bad) that I never knew were there. This is very exciting and scary at the same time.
My question is, how do you get past the guilt and shame of acknowledging yourself as a “self” when your whole life has been about others and their needs? I may be too late posting but feels good to write it out!
Donna, I'm so glad it helped for you to write it out. And next time we do this, I think I'll eliminate the office hours concept so you all know you can submit questions whenever you want.
My first reaction is to encourage you to read "Loveable" if you haven't already read it. In it, I explore how most of us can't remember our true self, because the need to bury it is often the very thing that triggers a kid to start recording memories. Alice Miller's "The Drama of the Gift Child: The Search for the True Self" is another excellent resource in this regard.
Second, the good news is that phrase "when you wake up one day and realize there never was a 'self.'" The part of you doing the waking up, and the realizing, and the seeing of the false self you built to please others in order to stay safe, IS your true self. What is THAT part of you like? The way you're describing it, she sounds aware, wise, brave, and thrilled to be speaking up about all of this finally!
Thank you Kelly. I have read loveable I believe when it first came out. I also listened to the loveable podcast. My children were small then so might be worthwhile revisiting. I will definitely check out the the other book you recommended. Wishing you a Happy Easter!
I have been married for 37 yrs. I am the survivor of sexual abuse and yet only became aware of it during my own parenting years. My husband as been my daughter’s step dad and truly her dad since she was 5. Due to a very unhealthy bond created by him with her it ended up in sexual boundaries being crossed when she was 13-14. My daughter spoke up, CPS got involved, family therapy, individual therapy … and reunited. The covert behavior stopped yet the overt did not and continued until 35 yrs later deeper healing by my daughter and myself and more information disclosed I separated from my husband until he get help. He did… went to several intensive weeks for self, us and all three of us where God’s redemptive power has Turkey blessed us.
With that said, I have forgiven him, my daughter has, he has really honored and built a healthier relation with my daughter as he truly loves her as a daughter …. YET, I continue to have this vault of feelings inside of me that needs attention and he will not go there or honor them. It stems largely from the SECRET I felt I was under for the 35 yrs which affected our relationship, contributed to a mental breakdown I had; contributed to tension in our home while raising our son (who just found out about it a couple of years ago and devastated him) ; constant tension and many fights felt/ heard by my son.. because I pleaded with my husband to tell him…. Anyway, it is all the emotions around the Secret that he does not seem to understand how devastating it was for me and continues today because it still feels like a secret as I do not speak of it when telling my story …Yet it is a vital part of my story. What do I do that honors him yet honors myself as well in my healing empowering journey.
Terry, first, I want to encourage you to make sure you've established a therapeutic relationship with a professional in order to fully work through these issues and questions. It is a layered and complicated situation, and you deserve the space to sort it out slowly over time.
Second, it is one of my personal tendencies, when I've hurt the people I love, to try to fix it as quickly as possible and move on. I want everyone to get their hearts back open to me as soon as they can so I can put it behind me. It's a point of growth for me to allow my people to take as much time as they need to recover from whatever happened between us. Along those lines, you deserve whatever space and time you need to work through your feelings of hurt. Pain outlasts forgiveness. Give yourself the time you need to heal the pain, and to get your own clarity about who you want to be able to share this experience with and who you don't.
I hope that helps a little. Now make sure you're talking to another professional who can help you a lot more!
Oh trust me, I AM!
A lot has moved today and I realised that the feeling I carry could be a question to this space. Though I'm not sure if it's late to ask.
I have been exposed to experiences that culminated with another very obvious one that I now feel distrustful in men's intentions in relating. I don't want to be paranoid but having seen so much behaviour that seems so convincing of genuine good intentions, only to be surprised with sudden shifts, I wonder what I can do to see through. The question inside is "Who can I trust?"
I don't want to be so suspicious an expect the bad to the point that I create a personal reality where I push away the good because I misjudge them.
I recognise that with increasing maturation and as I've cleared out some issues from my youth that motivated me to seek 'fillers' in others, I'm not as susceptible to falling in those traps. But I wonder if there a way for me (for us) to see where I (we) might have space to mature further.
For example, I see that wherever we have an insecurity, we are vulnerable. Lovability, likability, self-worth, insecurity around self-expression, being yourself... (other?) The moment someone plays into our insecurity, consciously and intentionally or not, they have power over us. They give us a 'filler' for something we haven't yet learned to be. And I'm not sure if we can notice that it's happening until we rise. Because I understand that these shadows in the subconscious so we don't really see them at play until we rise above them.
Then I'm curious if there is a way, tool or technique that psychology brings to us, or your synthesis from all of your various experiences to take people on a journey to recognizing these shadows and rise.
Then also positive projections and creating an unreal view of the other.
I am really curious what you might say to this. Thank you so much, Kelly!
I have ideas but honestly it's making the time work. I have the time, but committing to spending the time. I can bike, walk, do body weight exercises and then there all the options if I want to get a membership somewhere. I mostly just find myself frozen in a desire to not be committed. I feel tired. I feel some anxiety over doing anything purposefully. I am dedicated to work, I am vigilant in any task related to family, but for me I just want to watch TV or eat something sugary instead of take more time to go do hard sweaty things. I could get up early, but then I'm even more tired at the end if the day and so many days in I'm tired when I get up. I don't know if I need a tragedy to change my perspective or what but, the thought of committing to well being is one of those shut down events for me. This us where having someone else committed to keeping me committed is kind of desirable.