The 5 Questions at the Core of All Conflict
Love. Commitment. Respect. Power. Freedom. Ask me anything about them!
Most relationship science focuses on how couples communicate.
For instance, in their latest book Fight Right, John and Julie Gottman present empirical data showing that any communication style can result in a successful marriage, so long as there is a “5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in conflict.”
However, twenty years ago, when it came time to conduct my own doctoral dissertation about marriage, I was more interested in what couples fight about.
I’d only been married two years, but I already knew that when my wife and I were debating chores or finances, there was more to it than being positive. There was a whole subterranean context to the conversation. So, I surveyed all the relationship literature and synthesized the central themes in couples’ conflict across all studies. Then I put my summation to the test and coded hundreds of hours of videotaped conflict between newlywed couples.
The five conversation themes I’d identified withstood the test.
More than 97% of all conflict in the marriages—regardless of whether spouses were discussing communication, money, sex, finances, in-laws, etc.—was really, beneath the surface, a bid for one of five relational experiences:
Do you love me?
Am I your top priority?
Do you respect/appreciate who I am?
Can you share power with me?
Will you grant me some degree of freedom?
We called these relationship needs: love, commitment, respect, power, and autonomy.
I left Penn State to complete my clinical residency at a VA Hospital in Chicago and decided I liked working with clients more than I liked crunching numbers, so I never published the dissertation. In other words, it never underwent rigorous peer review.
Nonetheless, it’s a pretty good conversation starter.
What are your questions about love, commitment, respect, power, or autonomy in relationships?
I have more of a statement but I would like to ask what your professional thoughts might be as to whether my statement withstands professional rigor enough to be considered true.
I think freedom is misunderstood the most. I would say that true "autonomy" is not some wild frontier of limitless exploration of ones self but more of a connection to something grounded and stable that elevates ones finest characteristics and demonstrates the most self control. In Marriage I would equate autonomy to a measure of trust between people enough that the character and behavior of either individual is demonstrative of high value traits. Essentially autonomy should be for self enrichment rather than some form of self adulation and selfish interest which might lead to salacious or lascivious behavior.
I’m curious if each person has a certain underlying need or needs trying to be met, similar to how we have “love languages”? I’ve been divorced/separated for 7 years and looking back I can see where the bulk of our arguments for me, despite the topic or words definitely would fall into two of your categories. I was trying to figure out what may have been beneath the surface for my ex. In really examining this list I would say I left because I never felt I was his top priority or that he respected or appreciated me. I still feel loved by him to this day and power and freedom were never issues for me.