💬 Relationship Lab: The 5 Questions at the Core of All Conflict

Love. Commitment. Respect. Power. Freedom. Ask me anything about them!

Most relationship science focuses on how couples communicate.

For instance, in their latest book Fight Right, John and Julie Gottman present empirical data showing that any communication style can result in a successful marriage, so long as there is a “5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in conflict.”

However, twenty years ago, when it came time to conduct my own doctoral dissertation about marriage, I was more interested in what couples fight about.

I’d only been married two years, but I already knew that when my wife and I were debating chores or finances, there was more to it than being positive. There was a whole subterranean context to the conversation. So, I surveyed all the relationship literature and synthesized the central themes in couples’ conflict across all studies. Then I put my summation to the test and coded hundreds of hours of videotaped conflict between newlywed couples.

The five conversation themes I’d identified withstood the test.

More than 97% of all conflict in the marriages—regardless of whether spouses were discussing communication, money, sex, finances, in-laws, etc.—was really, beneath the surface, a bid for one of five relational experiences:

• Do you love me?

• Am I your top priority?

• Do you respect/appreciate who I am?

• Can you share power with me?

• Will you grant me some degree of freedom?

We called these relationship needs: love, commitment, respect, power, and autonomy.

I left Penn State to complete my clinical residency at a VA Hospital in Chicago and decided I liked working with clients more than I liked crunching numbers, so I never published the dissertation. In other words, it never underwent rigorous peer review.

Nonetheless, it’s a pretty good conversation starter…

What are your questions about love, commitment, respect, power, or autonomy in relationships?

This is how the Relationship Lab for paid subscribers works:

1. In the comments, ask your questions. I’ll respond live to questions during the noon CDT hour today, but you can ask your questions at any time between now and next Wednesday, and I’ll respond as able.

2. In a research laboratory, all the assistants contribute to the process, so if you have experience that can help someone else with their question, feel free to share it with them by responding to their comment.

If you’re a free subscriber and would like to upgrade to join us in the comments, please feel free to do so.

Okay, now ask away!