💬 Crowdsourcing: The Best Relationship Advice
Thoughts on algorithmic social media, toxic relationships, and an invitation to enjoy the wisdom of a healthier community.
I have finally ended my toxic relationship with social media.
Like all toxic relationships, for a long time, it exerted two equally opposing forces on me: I knew I needed to leave it, but I couldn’t imagine doing so. One of the signature signs of a toxic relationship is that it robs you of your imagination. You can’t picture yourself after it, so you stay, because being mistreated is preferable to being alone.
If “mistreated” seems too extreme with regard to social media, here are several litmus tests for toxic relationships:
You constantly think about putting better boundaries around the relationship, but rarely take action due to a vague fear of the consequences.
When you do act, the toxic party pushes back and either overruns your boundaries right away or probes your weaknesses until you break down. (Think push notifications. Think eavesdropping on your conversations until it knows exactly the way to draw you back in.)
You almost always feel worse after spending time in the relationship—it uses you instead of soothing you—and yet you continue to choose it over other more edifying uses of your time.
So, yes, most social media mistreats us, and I’ve ended my relationship with it. Well, okay, I haven’t exactly ended it.
I’ve removed all the apps from my phone—the equivalent of blocking its number. Now, from my desktop, I post to social media when it feels healthy for me to do so. And guess what?
Algorithmic media is doing what toxic people do when you don’t let yourself be used by them anymore—it’s punishing me for my behavior.
Because I don’t speak to it as often as it would like, the algorithm is diminishing how many of my people get to see my communications. Because my posts contain external links—inviting my friends to hang out with me elsewhere—the algorithm is further isolating me. It’s doing exactly what a toxic partner does to control the target of their toxicity. I’m happy to report it’s not working, though, for one reason in particular.
I’ve found another, healthier group of people to hang out with.
It’s called Substack—this thoughtful community that is, for the most part, interested in reading and writing meaningful content that nourishes the soul rather than triggering it. Of course, people and places can change. For now, though, this is how it feels:
Substack is like Codependents Anonymous for those of us leaving toxic algorithmic media.
A couple of weeks ago, one of our Humaning community members made me aware of just how healing this place can be. I’d published It is well with your soul and invited you to share your own memory of you at your “truest, okay-est, it-is-well-est.” Over several days, the comments section became one of the more inspiring, soul-soothing places on the internet. Marilyn wrote, “I bookmarked this amazing question and just read all of your incredible responses. I LOVE THIS GROUP.” My thoughts exactly.
If you are in this Humaning community, you are sitting on top of an untapped well of soul-soothing wisdom, and you all are that well.
I want to help you tap it. So every eight weeks or so, I’m going to publish a post like this one for all subscribers, prefaced with the word “Crowdsourcing.” In the post, I will give you a prompt for sharing your wisdom with the rest of the Humaning community. And by the way, don’t let that word “wisdom” intimidate you. It’s just another word for your experience.
Our stories are our wisdom.
Here’s today’s prompt:
What is the best relationship advice you’ve ever received?
And here are the guidelines for Crowdsourcing posts:
Go to the comments by tapping the button below and share your answer to the question above—if you can’t think of the “best” advice, feel free to simply share what’s been helpful
Then choose one other commenter whose advice you find helpful and respond to their comment by letting them know that
If you think this conversation would be helpful to others, you can also click that spinny-circle icon below and Restack this to Notes, which is Substack’s non-algorithmic community gathering place, like a town square
I’ll weigh in later today with my own comment about the best relationship advice I’ve received, and I’ll express my own appreciation for advice I’m finding helpful in the comments
Looking forward to reading what you have to share!
Oh. my. goodness. I've just read through every single one of your comments, and I have several reactions which I'll share before passing on the "best relationship advice I've ever received."
First, I feel utterly blessed to be in community with all of you, and to get to watch you all be in community with one another. I don't have to go in search of hope today. It's here. Second, someone asked me recently how to describe the kind of person who is in the Humaning community. The phrase that came to mind was "thoughtful self-actualizers who want to take deep ownership for the thriving of their soul, relationships, and life." I almost made it the tagline of this Substack. These comments exemplify that about each and every one of you. One of the most common threads throughout this relationship advice is the focus on taking responsibility for yourself in various ways and simply showing up as lovingly as you can. That alone is wonderful relationship advice. Third, while in the past I've tried to respond to everyone's comments, thanks to your amazing participation I won't have time to do that hear, nor is it necessary, because you've done such a great job caring for and supporting each other. So, I'll respond to a number of comments that triggered thoughts related to my own recent experiences, and encourage you all to continue to read through and affirm the advice here that is speaking to you the most!
It's hard to identify the best relationship advice I've ever received, so I'll just share the advice that most recently has had the greatest impact on me. "You can have an agenda, or you can be connected, but you can't do both." For the last five months, every time I've struggled to form connection in a relationship, I've asked myself what agenda I might have, then either let it go or confessed it. Turns out, it's true: when we have an agenda, we're subtly controlling the conversation and there's no room for controlling another in genuine connection. Hope that's helpful to you all too!
The best relationship advice I ever received: There is a deep longing in each of us for completion. Our hearts are drawn to that which is incomplete within us. We look to our relationships (most clearly the deepest one or ones) to find that resolution. Placing this hunger on another. Another human is unable to meet the need of this striving part of the soul, spirit, mind, flesh or heart (however it presents itself to us in the day to day.) Only when we accept the incompleteness, move in compassion towards this loss, and recognize the incomplete may never actually be filled to the degree in which we’ve yearned (or think we deserve) are we fully able to accept who and what our closest relationships can complete inside of us.