Awww so very nourishing read again. It is a lovely community indeed.
On the social media strategy, what's worked for me was to put the social media icons to the SECOND screen on my mobile so unless I intentionally swipe because I actually want to use them (which is also a good point to check with myself why I'm pulled to do that), no notifications are on my radar.
The best relationship advice I ever received: There is a deep longing in each of us for completion. Our hearts are drawn to that which is incomplete within us. We look to our relationships (most clearly the deepest one or ones) to find that resolution. Placing this hunger on another. Another human is unable to meet the need of this striving part of the soul, spirit, mind, flesh or heart (however it presents itself to us in the day to day.) Only when we accept the incompleteness, move in compassion towards this loss, and recognize the incomplete may never actually be filled to the degree in which we’ve yearned (or think we deserve) are we fully able to accept who and what our closest relationships can complete inside of us.
The resolution to all of my "relationship" problems is rooted in finding resolution to a fractured relationship with myself. This is true for the relationships that I have with people as well as the relationships I have with things. All my "relationship issues" start to dissolve when I restore my relationship to myself. And the extent to which they dissolve or resolve is directly proportional to how fully I heal the wound inside me.
Side note: knowing this and living it are two very different things for me. It's hard. And non linear. My default affirmation to orient me these days is "I never need a reason to be nicer to myself!"
The best relationship advice I’ve ever received is from James 1:19 in the Bible. It reads, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry”.
This is also put another way by Stephen Covey as “Habit #5”; Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
To further the truth: LISTEN has the same letters as SILENT. I can’t listen if I am not willing to be silent. When people feel heard, they are more likely to listen. I always try to listen first before trying to be heard.
Another illustration of this wisdom is that I have two ears, and only one mouth, perhaps a divine indication that I should listen twice as much as I talk.
Most of the time the effort given to listening yields understanding that renders a lot of what I was going to say totally unnecessary!!
So right now I’m leaning to be silent and listen and I do hope that that will lead to being much slower to become angry.
One of the most helpful things I've heard lately (on Glennon Doyle's podcast, but I can't recall from which interviewee): You can't do their work for them.
I tend to take responsibility for my parents - and have from childhood through today, on the cusp of age 49. Hearing that line brought such relief, as though a weight lifted.
And hurray for dumping social media (other than Substack)! I feel so much lighter after quitting the rest of it.
depth and quality of engagement will equal depth of relationship; depth and quality of communication equals depth of relationship (and the underlying of trust - in Dr. Kelly words: humaning with our self and our relationships.)
I stopped playing games on my phone. I also turned off the YouTube app. I need to stop playing on Facebook next. It is a major distraction that makes me ill after I find myself awake when I should be asleep or bothered by some social noise that I never needed to participate in.
I'm also in need of more physical movement and less sedentary time. It's hard to commit all at once.
Relationship advice? I know that my parents taught me a lot but I had to grow up and experience things to "get it".
The main thing I have learned in my experiences with heartache, disappointment, and causing those things for others is that you should just never quit. Giving up is the worst thing you can do. Maybe you have to walk away from a quiter who has given up because they harm you emotionally or physically, but in those moments you just can't give up on yourself or others who you still have or who may yet come into your life. Hope and the grit to hold onto it is the strongest bond between humans and between an individual and God too. We do need to be peacemakers and forgivers and purveyors of hope for others to be well rounded and helpful, but at our tiny person core, that little one inside must hold fast to hope for self for all of that to work.
One of the best pieces of advice I've received is remembering that I can only control myself and my reactions. I can't control what others do, but I can control what I do and say and how I react to a situation. This is freeing. It frees me to speak the truth of my experience. It reminds me what is within my control and what isn't.
Conflict is often about an unmet need happening within the relationship. Find out what the need is and there is an opportunity to explore that and see what it opens up.
If I hold on to anger or any other emotion that’s toxic to me I’m cutting off my own foot. I’m crippled. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to learn this lesson, but when I “get it” I’m free to move forward. It’s as much of a decision as anything, and always a fight for my own peace.
Speaking of peace, or lack there of, is the claim social media can have on my soul. I have to take control of it. It’s a jealous master though and won’t give me up easily. Maybe I need to just forgive it and let it go….
Be mindfully protective of relationships that have been loving and important to you in profound ways, and in which you share an important history. And with that advice in mind, social media can be an avenue to pull us away from what is central and important to our being. Social media can provide an invisible wall that two parties exist on either side of. It can induce a form of mental "road rage", or on the opposite extreme present what seems to be an attractive outlet that is really an unknown and potentially dangerous to you living your best existence.
Sit down with your partner everyday for five minutes and tell them one thing you appreciate about them. It doesn't have to be complicated or poetic. Thanks for listening last night, for finding my keys (again!), for holding my hand when we walk. Do it every day. The simple magic of it is that you have to find something new each day to appreciate, and you have to do something worth appreciating. Being noticed, seen, and appreciated is transformative. After three years, you will literally have 1000 reasons to appreciate your partner. As a pastor, I have married over 300 couples and this is their first exercise in counseling. It is the only advice I give. They can figure out the rest.
Just this week I received a gem about toxic relationships. Since childhood - because of my family’s toxicity- I’ve carried this phrase on my skinny shoulders, “I am responsible for her.” Currently there is a lot of chaos in her life and that phrase has kept me up at night, brings me to tears often, and is causing my blood pressure to soar. So I shared this story with a counselor and after listening carefully she picked up on how I was telling the story in a way I never realized. She said, “you are not responsible FOR her. But as a family member you are responsible TO her.” I could go on and on, but it’s incredible how losing that one small prepositional yoke has released me to take on the easy, light yoke of Jesus.
Awww so very nourishing read again. It is a lovely community indeed.
On the social media strategy, what's worked for me was to put the social media icons to the SECOND screen on my mobile so unless I intentionally swipe because I actually want to use them (which is also a good point to check with myself why I'm pulled to do that), no notifications are on my radar.
The best relationship advice I ever received: There is a deep longing in each of us for completion. Our hearts are drawn to that which is incomplete within us. We look to our relationships (most clearly the deepest one or ones) to find that resolution. Placing this hunger on another. Another human is unable to meet the need of this striving part of the soul, spirit, mind, flesh or heart (however it presents itself to us in the day to day.) Only when we accept the incompleteness, move in compassion towards this loss, and recognize the incomplete may never actually be filled to the degree in which we’ve yearned (or think we deserve) are we fully able to accept who and what our closest relationships can complete inside of us.
The resolution to all of my "relationship" problems is rooted in finding resolution to a fractured relationship with myself. This is true for the relationships that I have with people as well as the relationships I have with things. All my "relationship issues" start to dissolve when I restore my relationship to myself. And the extent to which they dissolve or resolve is directly proportional to how fully I heal the wound inside me.
Side note: knowing this and living it are two very different things for me. It's hard. And non linear. My default affirmation to orient me these days is "I never need a reason to be nicer to myself!"
The best relationship advice I’ve ever received is from James 1:19 in the Bible. It reads, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry”.
This is also put another way by Stephen Covey as “Habit #5”; Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
To further the truth: LISTEN has the same letters as SILENT. I can’t listen if I am not willing to be silent. When people feel heard, they are more likely to listen. I always try to listen first before trying to be heard.
Another illustration of this wisdom is that I have two ears, and only one mouth, perhaps a divine indication that I should listen twice as much as I talk.
Most of the time the effort given to listening yields understanding that renders a lot of what I was going to say totally unnecessary!!
So right now I’m leaning to be silent and listen and I do hope that that will lead to being much slower to become angry.
We are each responsible for our own reactions
Forbear and forgive
This is sooo good! Thank you!
One of the most helpful things I've heard lately (on Glennon Doyle's podcast, but I can't recall from which interviewee): You can't do their work for them.
I tend to take responsibility for my parents - and have from childhood through today, on the cusp of age 49. Hearing that line brought such relief, as though a weight lifted.
And hurray for dumping social media (other than Substack)! I feel so much lighter after quitting the rest of it.
depth and quality of engagement will equal depth of relationship; depth and quality of communication equals depth of relationship (and the underlying of trust - in Dr. Kelly words: humaning with our self and our relationships.)
I stopped playing games on my phone. I also turned off the YouTube app. I need to stop playing on Facebook next. It is a major distraction that makes me ill after I find myself awake when I should be asleep or bothered by some social noise that I never needed to participate in.
I'm also in need of more physical movement and less sedentary time. It's hard to commit all at once.
Relationship advice? I know that my parents taught me a lot but I had to grow up and experience things to "get it".
The main thing I have learned in my experiences with heartache, disappointment, and causing those things for others is that you should just never quit. Giving up is the worst thing you can do. Maybe you have to walk away from a quiter who has given up because they harm you emotionally or physically, but in those moments you just can't give up on yourself or others who you still have or who may yet come into your life. Hope and the grit to hold onto it is the strongest bond between humans and between an individual and God too. We do need to be peacemakers and forgivers and purveyors of hope for others to be well rounded and helpful, but at our tiny person core, that little one inside must hold fast to hope for self for all of that to work.
One of the best pieces of advice I've received is remembering that I can only control myself and my reactions. I can't control what others do, but I can control what I do and say and how I react to a situation. This is freeing. It frees me to speak the truth of my experience. It reminds me what is within my control and what isn't.
Conflict is often about an unmet need happening within the relationship. Find out what the need is and there is an opportunity to explore that and see what it opens up.
Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.
If I hold on to anger or any other emotion that’s toxic to me I’m cutting off my own foot. I’m crippled. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to learn this lesson, but when I “get it” I’m free to move forward. It’s as much of a decision as anything, and always a fight for my own peace.
Speaking of peace, or lack there of, is the claim social media can have on my soul. I have to take control of it. It’s a jealous master though and won’t give me up easily. Maybe I need to just forgive it and let it go….
Be mindfully protective of relationships that have been loving and important to you in profound ways, and in which you share an important history. And with that advice in mind, social media can be an avenue to pull us away from what is central and important to our being. Social media can provide an invisible wall that two parties exist on either side of. It can induce a form of mental "road rage", or on the opposite extreme present what seems to be an attractive outlet that is really an unknown and potentially dangerous to you living your best existence.
Sit down with your partner everyday for five minutes and tell them one thing you appreciate about them. It doesn't have to be complicated or poetic. Thanks for listening last night, for finding my keys (again!), for holding my hand when we walk. Do it every day. The simple magic of it is that you have to find something new each day to appreciate, and you have to do something worth appreciating. Being noticed, seen, and appreciated is transformative. After three years, you will literally have 1000 reasons to appreciate your partner. As a pastor, I have married over 300 couples and this is their first exercise in counseling. It is the only advice I give. They can figure out the rest.
Just this week I received a gem about toxic relationships. Since childhood - because of my family’s toxicity- I’ve carried this phrase on my skinny shoulders, “I am responsible for her.” Currently there is a lot of chaos in her life and that phrase has kept me up at night, brings me to tears often, and is causing my blood pressure to soar. So I shared this story with a counselor and after listening carefully she picked up on how I was telling the story in a way I never realized. She said, “you are not responsible FOR her. But as a family member you are responsible TO her.” I could go on and on, but it’s incredible how losing that one small prepositional yoke has released me to take on the easy, light yoke of Jesus.