Awww so very nourishing read again. It is a lovely community indeed.
On the social media strategy, what's worked for me was to put the social media icons to the SECOND screen on my mobile so unless I intentionally swipe because I actually want to use them (which is also a good point to check with myself why I'm pulled to do that), no notifications are on my radar.
Love this advice. Putting just a small buffer between you and the impulse gives you just a little more time to make a conscious choice rather than just habitually tap and scroll. Thank you, Klara and Kathie, it's good to have you both here!
The best relationship advice I ever received: There is a deep longing in each of us for completion. Our hearts are drawn to that which is incomplete within us. We look to our relationships (most clearly the deepest one or ones) to find that resolution. Placing this hunger on another. Another human is unable to meet the need of this striving part of the soul, spirit, mind, flesh or heart (however it presents itself to us in the day to day.) Only when we accept the incompleteness, move in compassion towards this loss, and recognize the incomplete may never actually be filled to the degree in which we’ve yearned (or think we deserve) are we fully able to accept who and what our closest relationships can complete inside of us.
I love this!!! Thank you for sharing. One notion I've been toying with lately is whether the incompleteness I've felt for so long is even truly there. Or is it instead an illusion, a perceived void, that emerges as a result of trauma? Trauma caused me to break into parts ...and the space between those parts feels like a void. If I heal and put the parts back together, perhaps the notion that I am not complete just the way I am, goes away.
I can't say one way or another if that is definitively true. But I can say that it feels true for me right now. And so I embrace it as a possibility.
OH my word! I have had the same thought! Like a sore in your mouth that your tongue keeps returning to… is it just a habit? Perhaps even something I WANT to find? I totally agree. And also- if I have done the work on the “void” I can rest that the tools have been given to me to address the trauma and therefore marked ‘complete.’ And you said- “you cant say one way or another if it’s definitely true”- I respect and love that too- and relate to what you are saying- but again, yes, I have been curious in this line of thinking as well! Thank you for that encouragement ♥️
This thread. Holy cow. I picture each of us as little ones, experiencing the trauma or shame or loneliness or simple uncertainty of everything and quietly drawing the conclusion, "Oh, it must be me. I must be incomplete. Perhaps if I make myself complete, that will solve the problem." The story became true and maybe our awakening is about discovering it was just a story.
This resonates with me. I find that I am incomplete, and I further the frustration by focusing on what I feel to be the incompleteness of others. By not accepting that we are indeed all not complete it drives us away from one another. Social media exposes the incomplete nature of our minds and souls. We attempt to make ourselves complete, and also make others complete (in our eyes) by venturing into areas of conflict. And of course the end result is negative. But we're compelled to continue the futile fight and this leads us further into a darker place.
The resolution to all of my "relationship" problems is rooted in finding resolution to a fractured relationship with myself. This is true for the relationships that I have with people as well as the relationships I have with things. All my "relationship issues" start to dissolve when I restore my relationship to myself. And the extent to which they dissolve or resolve is directly proportional to how fully I heal the wound inside me.
Side note: knowing this and living it are two very different things for me. It's hard. And non linear. My default affirmation to orient me these days is "I never need a reason to be nicer to myself!"
I too feel that if I have a better relationship with myself, then I don't have to expect others to "fill me up" in my needs. I'm freer to be able to be more present to them and to love them.
The best relationship advice I’ve ever received is from James 1:19 in the Bible. It reads, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry”.
This is also put another way by Stephen Covey as “Habit #5”; Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
To further the truth: LISTEN has the same letters as SILENT. I can’t listen if I am not willing to be silent. When people feel heard, they are more likely to listen. I always try to listen first before trying to be heard.
Another illustration of this wisdom is that I have two ears, and only one mouth, perhaps a divine indication that I should listen twice as much as I talk.
Most of the time the effort given to listening yields understanding that renders a lot of what I was going to say totally unnecessary!!
So right now I’m leaning to be silent and listen and I do hope that that will lead to being much slower to become angry.
This is so good, Joy. Listen first, speak later ( if at all) is a discipline that takes maturity and grace. (Social media has little of either, right?)
So, so good, Joy. Would you believe that just today I came across this quote from Winston Churchill: "Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it means to sit down and listen." What synchronicity!
Joy, I appreciate your reminder to listen. As one who likes to talk, I constantly monitor how much I'm speaking, complete my thought, and let others share their thoughts.
I do feel frustrated with some who continue talking, apparently without taking a breath, and I don't get a turn. I learned it is rude to interrupt. I'm still working on developing polite interjections.
One of the most helpful things I've heard lately (on Glennon Doyle's podcast, but I can't recall from which interviewee): You can't do their work for them.
I tend to take responsibility for my parents - and have from childhood through today, on the cusp of age 49. Hearing that line brought such relief, as though a weight lifted.
And hurray for dumping social media (other than Substack)! I feel so much lighter after quitting the rest of it.
I was told by a counselor one time that you have to let the other person feel their own pain. You cannot feel it for them and even though you may have empathy, suffering with them won't help either of you. Sure, cry with them, commiserate on whatever so aa to relate in tge moment of a conversation, and even worry about them on hour own, but being downtrodden and miserable while they are in that way, because they are in that way will not help you be a strength for them when they look for support.
My spiritual director has to remind me, almost monthly, "Their journey is their journey." Thanks, Dana, for this powerful encouragement to do our own work and to let others do theirs.
depth and quality of engagement will equal depth of relationship; depth and quality of communication equals depth of relationship (and the underlying of trust - in Dr. Kelly words: humaning with our self and our relationships.)
I stopped playing games on my phone. I also turned off the YouTube app. I need to stop playing on Facebook next. It is a major distraction that makes me ill after I find myself awake when I should be asleep or bothered by some social noise that I never needed to participate in.
I'm also in need of more physical movement and less sedentary time. It's hard to commit all at once.
Relationship advice? I know that my parents taught me a lot but I had to grow up and experience things to "get it".
The main thing I have learned in my experiences with heartache, disappointment, and causing those things for others is that you should just never quit. Giving up is the worst thing you can do. Maybe you have to walk away from a quiter who has given up because they harm you emotionally or physically, but in those moments you just can't give up on yourself or others who you still have or who may yet come into your life. Hope and the grit to hold onto it is the strongest bond between humans and between an individual and God too. We do need to be peacemakers and forgivers and purveyors of hope for others to be well rounded and helpful, but at our tiny person core, that little one inside must hold fast to hope for self for all of that to work.
One of the best pieces of advice I've received is remembering that I can only control myself and my reactions. I can't control what others do, but I can control what I do and say and how I react to a situation. This is freeing. It frees me to speak the truth of my experience. It reminds me what is within my control and what isn't.
Conflict is often about an unmet need happening within the relationship. Find out what the need is and there is an opportunity to explore that and see what it opens up.
If I hold on to anger or any other emotion that’s toxic to me I’m cutting off my own foot. I’m crippled. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to learn this lesson, but when I “get it” I’m free to move forward. It’s as much of a decision as anything, and always a fight for my own peace.
Speaking of peace, or lack there of, is the claim social media can have on my soul. I have to take control of it. It’s a jealous master though and won’t give me up easily. Maybe I need to just forgive it and let it go….
Love this, Donna. They say forgiving someone is like setting the prisoner free and realizing you were the prisoner all along. My journey of forgiveness was hard but oh so worth it!
Be mindfully protective of relationships that have been loving and important to you in profound ways, and in which you share an important history. And with that advice in mind, social media can be an avenue to pull us away from what is central and important to our being. Social media can provide an invisible wall that two parties exist on either side of. It can induce a form of mental "road rage", or on the opposite extreme present what seems to be an attractive outlet that is really an unknown and potentially dangerous to you living your best existence.
Sit down with your partner everyday for five minutes and tell them one thing you appreciate about them. It doesn't have to be complicated or poetic. Thanks for listening last night, for finding my keys (again!), for holding my hand when we walk. Do it every day. The simple magic of it is that you have to find something new each day to appreciate, and you have to do something worth appreciating. Being noticed, seen, and appreciated is transformative. After three years, you will literally have 1000 reasons to appreciate your partner. As a pastor, I have married over 300 couples and this is their first exercise in counseling. It is the only advice I give. They can figure out the rest.
Just this week I received a gem about toxic relationships. Since childhood - because of my family’s toxicity- I’ve carried this phrase on my skinny shoulders, “I am responsible for her.” Currently there is a lot of chaos in her life and that phrase has kept me up at night, brings me to tears often, and is causing my blood pressure to soar. So I shared this story with a counselor and after listening carefully she picked up on how I was telling the story in a way I never realized. She said, “you are not responsible FOR her. But as a family member you are responsible TO her.” I could go on and on, but it’s incredible how losing that one small prepositional yoke has released me to take on the easy, light yoke of Jesus.
Awww so very nourishing read again. It is a lovely community indeed.
On the social media strategy, what's worked for me was to put the social media icons to the SECOND screen on my mobile so unless I intentionally swipe because I actually want to use them (which is also a good point to check with myself why I'm pulled to do that), no notifications are on my radar.
That’s a great idea! So you don’t see it when you’re trying to focus on something different!
Love this advice. Putting just a small buffer between you and the impulse gives you just a little more time to make a conscious choice rather than just habitually tap and scroll. Thank you, Klara and Kathie, it's good to have you both here!
The best relationship advice I ever received: There is a deep longing in each of us for completion. Our hearts are drawn to that which is incomplete within us. We look to our relationships (most clearly the deepest one or ones) to find that resolution. Placing this hunger on another. Another human is unable to meet the need of this striving part of the soul, spirit, mind, flesh or heart (however it presents itself to us in the day to day.) Only when we accept the incompleteness, move in compassion towards this loss, and recognize the incomplete may never actually be filled to the degree in which we’ve yearned (or think we deserve) are we fully able to accept who and what our closest relationships can complete inside of us.
I love this!!! Thank you for sharing. One notion I've been toying with lately is whether the incompleteness I've felt for so long is even truly there. Or is it instead an illusion, a perceived void, that emerges as a result of trauma? Trauma caused me to break into parts ...and the space between those parts feels like a void. If I heal and put the parts back together, perhaps the notion that I am not complete just the way I am, goes away.
I can't say one way or another if that is definitively true. But I can say that it feels true for me right now. And so I embrace it as a possibility.
OH my word! I have had the same thought! Like a sore in your mouth that your tongue keeps returning to… is it just a habit? Perhaps even something I WANT to find? I totally agree. And also- if I have done the work on the “void” I can rest that the tools have been given to me to address the trauma and therefore marked ‘complete.’ And you said- “you cant say one way or another if it’s definitely true”- I respect and love that too- and relate to what you are saying- but again, yes, I have been curious in this line of thinking as well! Thank you for that encouragement ♥️
This thread. Holy cow. I picture each of us as little ones, experiencing the trauma or shame or loneliness or simple uncertainty of everything and quietly drawing the conclusion, "Oh, it must be me. I must be incomplete. Perhaps if I make myself complete, that will solve the problem." The story became true and maybe our awakening is about discovering it was just a story.
This resonates with me. I find that I am incomplete, and I further the frustration by focusing on what I feel to be the incompleteness of others. By not accepting that we are indeed all not complete it drives us away from one another. Social media exposes the incomplete nature of our minds and souls. We attempt to make ourselves complete, and also make others complete (in our eyes) by venturing into areas of conflict. And of course the end result is negative. But we're compelled to continue the futile fight and this leads us further into a darker place.
The resolution to all of my "relationship" problems is rooted in finding resolution to a fractured relationship with myself. This is true for the relationships that I have with people as well as the relationships I have with things. All my "relationship issues" start to dissolve when I restore my relationship to myself. And the extent to which they dissolve or resolve is directly proportional to how fully I heal the wound inside me.
Side note: knowing this and living it are two very different things for me. It's hard. And non linear. My default affirmation to orient me these days is "I never need a reason to be nicer to myself!"
I've experienced something similar. When I've healed from my own wounds, I'm in a better place to more fully give to and love others.
I too feel that if I have a better relationship with myself, then I don't have to expect others to "fill me up" in my needs. I'm freer to be able to be more present to them and to love them.
Yes, this mirrors my response. TY, MWagner
The best relationship advice I’ve ever received is from James 1:19 in the Bible. It reads, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry”.
This is also put another way by Stephen Covey as “Habit #5”; Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
To further the truth: LISTEN has the same letters as SILENT. I can’t listen if I am not willing to be silent. When people feel heard, they are more likely to listen. I always try to listen first before trying to be heard.
Another illustration of this wisdom is that I have two ears, and only one mouth, perhaps a divine indication that I should listen twice as much as I talk.
Most of the time the effort given to listening yields understanding that renders a lot of what I was going to say totally unnecessary!!
So right now I’m leaning to be silent and listen and I do hope that that will lead to being much slower to become angry.
Love this, Joy. The world feels desperate for it these days.
This is so good, Joy. Listen first, speak later ( if at all) is a discipline that takes maturity and grace. (Social media has little of either, right?)
So, so good, Joy. Would you believe that just today I came across this quote from Winston Churchill: "Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it means to sit down and listen." What synchronicity!
Joy, I appreciate your reminder to listen. As one who likes to talk, I constantly monitor how much I'm speaking, complete my thought, and let others share their thoughts.
I do feel frustrated with some who continue talking, apparently without taking a breath, and I don't get a turn. I learned it is rude to interrupt. I'm still working on developing polite interjections.
We are each responsible for our own reactions
Personal responsibility. It's the cornerstone of everything relationally. Thank you, Carole!
Forbear and forgive
Yes! Forgiveness releases both parties and creates an opening for acceptance which can lead to unconditional love.
This is sooo good! Thank you!
One of the most helpful things I've heard lately (on Glennon Doyle's podcast, but I can't recall from which interviewee): You can't do their work for them.
I tend to take responsibility for my parents - and have from childhood through today, on the cusp of age 49. Hearing that line brought such relief, as though a weight lifted.
And hurray for dumping social media (other than Substack)! I feel so much lighter after quitting the rest of it.
I was told by a counselor one time that you have to let the other person feel their own pain. You cannot feel it for them and even though you may have empathy, suffering with them won't help either of you. Sure, cry with them, commiserate on whatever so aa to relate in tge moment of a conversation, and even worry about them on hour own, but being downtrodden and miserable while they are in that way, because they are in that way will not help you be a strength for them when they look for support.
Stephen Ministry has a great illustration of this. Don’t get in the mud pit with them. Hang onto truth and reach out.
My spiritual director has to remind me, almost monthly, "Their journey is their journey." Thanks, Dana, for this powerful encouragement to do our own work and to let others do theirs.
depth and quality of engagement will equal depth of relationship; depth and quality of communication equals depth of relationship (and the underlying of trust - in Dr. Kelly words: humaning with our self and our relationships.)
I stopped playing games on my phone. I also turned off the YouTube app. I need to stop playing on Facebook next. It is a major distraction that makes me ill after I find myself awake when I should be asleep or bothered by some social noise that I never needed to participate in.
I'm also in need of more physical movement and less sedentary time. It's hard to commit all at once.
Relationship advice? I know that my parents taught me a lot but I had to grow up and experience things to "get it".
The main thing I have learned in my experiences with heartache, disappointment, and causing those things for others is that you should just never quit. Giving up is the worst thing you can do. Maybe you have to walk away from a quiter who has given up because they harm you emotionally or physically, but in those moments you just can't give up on yourself or others who you still have or who may yet come into your life. Hope and the grit to hold onto it is the strongest bond between humans and between an individual and God too. We do need to be peacemakers and forgivers and purveyors of hope for others to be well rounded and helpful, but at our tiny person core, that little one inside must hold fast to hope for self for all of that to work.
Your faithfulness is a gift to your people, JC!
Maybe this fits. I just learned (through social media I still need to quit) about a study done by an art teacher. Bottom line, it found that quantity provided more quality than just aiming for quality. https://excellentjourney.net/2015/03/04/art-fear-the-ceramics-class-and-quantity-before-quality/
In our effort to have relationships work out, it really is the amount of time we spend trying that makes them quality relationships.
One of the best pieces of advice I've received is remembering that I can only control myself and my reactions. I can't control what others do, but I can control what I do and say and how I react to a situation. This is freeing. It frees me to speak the truth of my experience. It reminds me what is within my control and what isn't.
Yes! We have a response-ability. The ability to choose our response.
Conflict is often about an unmet need happening within the relationship. Find out what the need is and there is an opportunity to explore that and see what it opens up.
Victoria, I love how this reframes it from the other person being a problem to solve, to a greater level of self-awareness about our own experience.
Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.
If I hold on to anger or any other emotion that’s toxic to me I’m cutting off my own foot. I’m crippled. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to learn this lesson, but when I “get it” I’m free to move forward. It’s as much of a decision as anything, and always a fight for my own peace.
Speaking of peace, or lack there of, is the claim social media can have on my soul. I have to take control of it. It’s a jealous master though and won’t give me up easily. Maybe I need to just forgive it and let it go….
Love this, Donna. They say forgiving someone is like setting the prisoner free and realizing you were the prisoner all along. My journey of forgiveness was hard but oh so worth it!
Truth. Forgive.
Be mindfully protective of relationships that have been loving and important to you in profound ways, and in which you share an important history. And with that advice in mind, social media can be an avenue to pull us away from what is central and important to our being. Social media can provide an invisible wall that two parties exist on either side of. It can induce a form of mental "road rage", or on the opposite extreme present what seems to be an attractive outlet that is really an unknown and potentially dangerous to you living your best existence.
Protect your story, because you can't get that back with anyone else. This is profound, Tim, thank you.
Sit down with your partner everyday for five minutes and tell them one thing you appreciate about them. It doesn't have to be complicated or poetic. Thanks for listening last night, for finding my keys (again!), for holding my hand when we walk. Do it every day. The simple magic of it is that you have to find something new each day to appreciate, and you have to do something worth appreciating. Being noticed, seen, and appreciated is transformative. After three years, you will literally have 1000 reasons to appreciate your partner. As a pastor, I have married over 300 couples and this is their first exercise in counseling. It is the only advice I give. They can figure out the rest.
"It is the only advice I give. They can figure out the rest." That rings true and speaks to the power of daily appreciation. Thank you, Todd!
Just this week I received a gem about toxic relationships. Since childhood - because of my family’s toxicity- I’ve carried this phrase on my skinny shoulders, “I am responsible for her.” Currently there is a lot of chaos in her life and that phrase has kept me up at night, brings me to tears often, and is causing my blood pressure to soar. So I shared this story with a counselor and after listening carefully she picked up on how I was telling the story in a way I never realized. She said, “you are not responsible FOR her. But as a family member you are responsible TO her.” I could go on and on, but it’s incredible how losing that one small prepositional yoke has released me to take on the easy, light yoke of Jesus.
I love this for you, Deb. Freedom via one little preposition. Thank you for sharing it with us!