Kelly, your message about welcoming and accepting all our "parts" has been clear and consistent through all your work. This is a great real-life illustration of what you are teaching. Thank you. You continue to explain in illuminating ways, why I have felt the way I have in the past, and to give me good tools and encouragement in addressing current situations in my life.
I am gaining compassion for 7-year-old me hoping to find acceptance by being good, adolescent me feeling soooo self-conscious about EVERYTHING, grieving me through multiple tragic losses, and current me, learning to love myself and the world. Please keep it coming!
I'm really grateful for this, Brenda. At a time when I am behind the scenes really trying to get clarity about what it is I have been offering all along, your feedback could not have come at a better time. 🙏
Your story about the “Shy Fox” really made me smile. I can definitely relate to having a nickname that encapsulates a part of myself I tried to hide. I used to be incredibly shy, too, and I would do anything to avoid being in the spotlight. But like you, I’ve learned to embrace that part of myself, to see it not as a weakness but as a unique characteristic. It’s the quiet observer in me, the one who listens more than speaks, the one who notices the little details. And just like your “Shy Fox,” that part of me has its own strengths and its own wisdom. Thank you for reminding me that all parts of ourselves have value.
I reframed "shy" as "discerning"; when an adult accused (usually out loud) a child or grandchild of being "shy", I gentle corrected them and advocated for the child..."No, not shy, but rather discerning, observing...figuring out if you are safe or not. It's her/his superpower."
Pure brilliance and the perfect reminder to embrace the journey and all parts of it. Thank you as always! I have first generation students who head off to tremendous schools who I talk to at length about this. They are nervous about the mismatch of expectations and skills despite having earned their spot (perhaps more than anyone). The solve: confidence and embracing all parts of ourselves.
My pleasure! If I could revisit my teenage days I would really work on cultivating more confidence. The world will always have reasons to make you feel small but the more you can drown out those voices the stronger you are for it. Best of luck to your daughters as they navigate high school and beyond. Feel free to reach out with any college planning questions along the way.
This is brilliant, so well told. I recognise the little Jane, and I know about imposter syndrome, and about ‘having chats with myself’. But I hadn’t identified any of these in the way you have done so eloquently. Thanks so much! Imposter syndrome will never be the same again!
Oh, Kelly, your story about the pastor and his little pep talk to himself reminds me so much of the power of Internal Family Systems work. I have done some re-parenting work for myself as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult in tandem with EMDR. It is so powerful and unexpected.
Your post today was timely for me, too, because I've been wondering why I'm feeling restless and dissatisfied with my creative work--even though my readership is engaged here on Substack, I have met some incredible artists/writers (like you!), and two essays I pitched for publication were accepted after dozens of rejections.
So...why do I still feel like I haven't "hit the mark?" As I read your article, I felt as if you were speaking to me, and I realized that it doesn't matter what types of accomplishments I will gain in my creative work--even if I end up with tens of thousands of subscribers and four book deals and a literary award (though I expect none of these to happen)--I might perpetually feel this way if I don't remember who I am, who my truest self is, and why I show up every day to do what I do.
Thank you for sharing a bit of your inner world and wrestling. It's helpful to see what this might look like for someone who appears to have it all together and is super successful. Reminds me that we're all pretty much the same on the inside.
Jeannie, as always I so much appreciate your deep engagement with what I've written.
"We're all pretty much the same on the inside." That brought tears to my eyes - the tears, I think, of a writer who feels the satisfaction of his core message coming across. Thank you for naming it. 🙏
This is pure vulnerable brilliance. Sometime Jeannie we should connect - I did extensive EMDR work in the past and it had a profound impact on me for which I am grateful 😊
And I agree with your beautiful perspective, that we are all pretty much the same on the inside. ❤️
Thank you for taking us on a walk through your thoughts and reflections. Always enjoy the journey. I love the word integration. Hugging my insecurity, diving into my failures and struggles with the very subject I may be teaching on settles my anxiety and unhealthy focus on self. I am all too human and, if I can learn to speak out of my humanity, then I can let go of pretense and perhaps anyone listening will connect with all that is real about me and what I am trying to communicate.
Thank you Kelly. I'm so thankful you brought up this subject. I suffered imposter syndrome without knowing that was what I was suffering. It wasn't until I started to show self compassion that I was able to have a relationship with my inner self. I was emotional devastated by the memories this child in me carried. This healing journey is so hard by so worth it. I'm so thankful that the inner child finally found an adult to care for him. I admire the amazing undestructive coping strategies this child employed before I connected with him to reparent him. Together we live a constructive grateful toxic resistant life with invisible scars. Scars are a sign of healing. They are no longer open wounds.
George, my goodness, you pretty much just summed up the healing journey. And you've done it in a way that only someone who has truly gone on it can do. I honor you and the work you have put in to heal!
George, this is beautiful. As one who has journeyed with a difficult past and with the burden of shame, it wasn’t until my 40’s that I embraced self compassion, and learned to love myself-all of myself. As Kelly expresses, loving oneself, honoring all our imperfections and messiness, is to become whole. Integrated.
Thank you for expressing yourself so vulnerably and beautifully.
It's significant that this is a syndrome, not a disease. Syndrome is defined as a group of symptoms which consistently occur together, or a condition characterized by a set of associated symptoms. So when we embrace and integrate, our syndrome belongs to the Whole. I love how you normalize what most of us feel and give a way to pivot, grow into more than the parts.
And I love that distinction between disease and syndrome. I'd never thought about it that way before. A disease points to something broken. A syndrome simply points to something. In this case, to something within us that is more whole than we can possibly imagine.
Kelly, I thought going back to school in my fifties and obtaining three degrees would eliminate the part of me that believed she was dumb. Only to find, imposter syndrome is alive and well. Then I thought as I practiced and grew as a clinician the part of me that believed she was dumb would, if not go away, then at least be less. Only to find, imposter syndrome is alive and well. And so is that young girl inside of me who was incredibly shy and believed she was not capable or smart.
Now, I have learned to bring that young small part of me along for the ride, to embrace her, not push her away. To know I have done the work to have the job I have, and am also a better clinician when I embrace all parts of me with love and compassion.
That last part brought tears to my eyes, Cathy. All along, we thought we would be better helpers if we were completely healed. It turns out, we're better helpers when we're just a little more whole. 🙏
Love how you reframed this—imposter syndrome as simply the small child inside all of us feeling insecure. I feel incompetent often in my job as a therapist, especially since I recently started giving schema therapy in a group. The kid inside of me feels very small and powerless in the face of so much suffering and such rigid patterns in human behavior. I work on recognizing and caring for my small self, so that I can break my own pattern of proving myself by saving others. Only then can I truly soften towards and make space for the people I get to accompany on their journeys. Do you have any advice on how you do/did that as a guide for other people?
Yes, yes, yes. This is so beautifully articulated, Lara. We are not of much help to others or ourselves when we are caught in the same old pattern of proving our worth by saving other people. Instead, we settle into our worth, and in doing so we play our small part in saving whoever is interested in being saved.
There is a lot in that last sentence! Settle into our worth—that is very helpful! Playing our small part, and believing it is enough. And respect where the other person is at, their boundaries, their timing, their choice. Thanks!
What a beautiful message, Kelly. I am grateful that imposter syndrome hasn't been a problem for me in recent years, but definitely plagued me much of my life. Setting down perfectionism and embracing "good enoughism" definitely helped. I love the idea of talking to your parts to help them through, while inviting them to the party. Thanks for sharing!
I have no doubt that practicing "good enough-ism" has been incredibly soothing to that inner child of yours. And thank you for that new term, Janine! 😊
Hey Kelly, great article. And I love the pastor's explanation and tip to how to honor and regather, make whole, with that younger version of ourselves.
But I reread the post several times because something felt "off" to me and then I figured out what it is. The word “impostor” is from the Latin “to deceive” and it generally means to assume false identity or title for the purpose of deception/fraud.
And I say that is NOT what our younger wounded version was trying to do; they were strictly trying to survive and feel loved. And to assign that the building of our castle and fortifications was somehow a conscious “deception“ feels very judgmental/shaming to me of the tender versions that we were just trying to be.
Years ago, there was a woman, Pam Young, who posted regularly under “The Brat Factor, Inc“ suggesting the inner child in us that did the bratty, unwanted and challenging behaviors to be our “inner brat”. She encouraged us to name her/him in an attempt to acknowledge and work with them ("manage" them) so they didn’t have to play out those behaviors in our day-to-day life. I had done a significant amount of personal growth following Alice Miller’s work, “The Drama of the Gifted Child”, when I came to the following understanding, and so I wrote to her:
"I'm realizing my "inner brat", "Sr Mary Gargantuan", is really Princess Molly M. Molly M took on the alter ego at a time when her sweetness and authentic self wasn't being seen, heard, respected and supported by her parents. Since they seemed to hold all the power (and Molly M wanted some in her life, too!) she watched and copied controlling, demanding behaviors (as they made sense to her back then). Those behaviors which got attention (and any attention - even negative - was better than NO attention), helped her survive her childhood with a distorted sense of power, but then began to wreck havoc in her/my adulthood. Molly M just wanted to be honored for her boundlessness/desire to explore, her desire to voice her truth in compassion, and her courage to live life. Her original parents didn't/couldn't honor those qualities..... but I sure can. Your evolving work helps me challenge the limiting beliefs that Molly M (formerly Sr Mary Gargantuan) is a brat, that her behaviors are bratty, and that she needs to be "managed". I choose instead to re-parent her in a more loving, compassionate, and healthier way. The more I can see her, listen, respect and support her in her authentic qualities, the more of them she shares with me, and demanding, needy, self-sabotaging Sr Mary G fades away. Molly M doesn't need to act powerful when I honor her - she is a royal princess who loves to act as her benevolent and fun-loving Queen Mother is modeling. And I suspicion that one day (soon, I hope) she will mature and take on her full, benevolent, fun-loving Queenship." 2013
So likewise, I respectfully reject that our younger, wounded child is "an impostor" imposing (sic) a conscious effort to deceive others or commit fraud. I really strongly believe this is a misapplication/appropriation/use of the word/moniker for a survival technique from our youther days. It seems more like a demonization for a kidlet part of me trying to be the best they can. I haven't come up with the word I would use other than a wounded part of me/us, that wants to be integrated into the whole human I am striving to be.
So not "Impostor" but rather "yet to be integrated". I vote for changing the culture and vibes of "Impostor Syndrome".
And, feeling on a roll...I was massaging the word "behavior" and phrases such as good/bad behavior, as well as "behave yourself!!": often hissed at us when out with our family, in a classroom, or admonished as parents left us with a babysitter or grandparents. You know: obey, act accordingly/reasonably. What if instead we were offered/encouraged to BE-HAVE YOURSELF? Our sweet, beautiful authentic self...be THAT! (no brat, no impostor)
And one of the meanings of "be" as a prefix is used for "increased/extra effect or intensification" (ie Beloved). So that works with the word even better for me, as ...REALLY have yourself! Be your BEST/MOST AUTHENTIC self. Yes, BE THAT!!!!
Kelly as always you are my inspiration. Thank you
You're welcome, Rae, and thank you again for inviting Susan to join us!
Kelly you invited me to join something for business I believe it is a imposter
Rae, when was that request made? We may have already nipped that one in the bud, or it may be a new one.
Your words will help Susan. I am very close to her😊The comments of others will help her also.
I do hope she finds herself supported by this amazing community.
Not sure as it was in this chat with you
I will email you the screenshot
Kelly, your message about welcoming and accepting all our "parts" has been clear and consistent through all your work. This is a great real-life illustration of what you are teaching. Thank you. You continue to explain in illuminating ways, why I have felt the way I have in the past, and to give me good tools and encouragement in addressing current situations in my life.
I am gaining compassion for 7-year-old me hoping to find acceptance by being good, adolescent me feeling soooo self-conscious about EVERYTHING, grieving me through multiple tragic losses, and current me, learning to love myself and the world. Please keep it coming!
I'm really grateful for this, Brenda. At a time when I am behind the scenes really trying to get clarity about what it is I have been offering all along, your feedback could not have come at a better time. 🙏
Blessings upon you and seven-year-old view. 😊
Your story about the “Shy Fox” really made me smile. I can definitely relate to having a nickname that encapsulates a part of myself I tried to hide. I used to be incredibly shy, too, and I would do anything to avoid being in the spotlight. But like you, I’ve learned to embrace that part of myself, to see it not as a weakness but as a unique characteristic. It’s the quiet observer in me, the one who listens more than speaks, the one who notices the little details. And just like your “Shy Fox,” that part of me has its own strengths and its own wisdom. Thank you for reminding me that all parts of ourselves have value.
I reframed "shy" as "discerning"; when an adult accused (usually out loud) a child or grandchild of being "shy", I gentle corrected them and advocated for the child..."No, not shy, but rather discerning, observing...figuring out if you are safe or not. It's her/his superpower."
Heather, where were you when I was a kid??? 😂
Thank you for this, Alex. It explains in part why I resonate so much with your writing. I love other shy foxes who have come out of the shadows.
Pure brilliance and the perfect reminder to embrace the journey and all parts of it. Thank you as always! I have first generation students who head off to tremendous schools who I talk to at length about this. They are nervous about the mismatch of expectations and skills despite having earned their spot (perhaps more than anyone). The solve: confidence and embracing all parts of ourselves.
Thank you for sharing that, Carrie, I love the way you are serving people.
It's good to remember that the anxious version of us is the part of us that was brave enough to live the thing that prepared us for now.
Thanks, Kelly and same to you. You are so right: the anxiety stems from care and the courage to take that first step.
Carrie, as a parent of twin teenage girls, thank you for this 🙏.
My pleasure! If I could revisit my teenage days I would really work on cultivating more confidence. The world will always have reasons to make you feel small but the more you can drown out those voices the stronger you are for it. Best of luck to your daughters as they navigate high school and beyond. Feel free to reach out with any college planning questions along the way.
This is brilliant, so well told. I recognise the little Jane, and I know about imposter syndrome, and about ‘having chats with myself’. But I hadn’t identified any of these in the way you have done so eloquently. Thanks so much! Imposter syndrome will never be the same again!
That, Jane, is music to a writer's ears, as I'm sure you know. Thank you for sharing that! 🙏
Oh, Kelly, your story about the pastor and his little pep talk to himself reminds me so much of the power of Internal Family Systems work. I have done some re-parenting work for myself as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult in tandem with EMDR. It is so powerful and unexpected.
Your post today was timely for me, too, because I've been wondering why I'm feeling restless and dissatisfied with my creative work--even though my readership is engaged here on Substack, I have met some incredible artists/writers (like you!), and two essays I pitched for publication were accepted after dozens of rejections.
So...why do I still feel like I haven't "hit the mark?" As I read your article, I felt as if you were speaking to me, and I realized that it doesn't matter what types of accomplishments I will gain in my creative work--even if I end up with tens of thousands of subscribers and four book deals and a literary award (though I expect none of these to happen)--I might perpetually feel this way if I don't remember who I am, who my truest self is, and why I show up every day to do what I do.
Thank you for sharing a bit of your inner world and wrestling. It's helpful to see what this might look like for someone who appears to have it all together and is super successful. Reminds me that we're all pretty much the same on the inside.
Jeannie, as always I so much appreciate your deep engagement with what I've written.
"We're all pretty much the same on the inside." That brought tears to my eyes - the tears, I think, of a writer who feels the satisfaction of his core message coming across. Thank you for naming it. 🙏
Yes, and you named so much in this essay for the rest of us writers, too, Kelly!
This is pure vulnerable brilliance. Sometime Jeannie we should connect - I did extensive EMDR work in the past and it had a profound impact on me for which I am grateful 😊
And I agree with your beautiful perspective, that we are all pretty much the same on the inside. ❤️
Really, James? I would love that! I’ll send you a DM.
Thank you for taking us on a walk through your thoughts and reflections. Always enjoy the journey. I love the word integration. Hugging my insecurity, diving into my failures and struggles with the very subject I may be teaching on settles my anxiety and unhealthy focus on self. I am all too human and, if I can learn to speak out of my humanity, then I can let go of pretense and perhaps anyone listening will connect with all that is real about me and what I am trying to communicate.
Carlos, you have beautifully articulated the lesson I need to learn over and over. Don't be Dr. Kelly. Be human. That's what helps.
Hi Kelly, I hope you can share that keynote video with as many people who love you and your work as possible. Love to see the whole you in action!
Aww, thank you, Alison. That benediction from you means a lot to me!
Yes please!!
Thank you Kelly. I'm so thankful you brought up this subject. I suffered imposter syndrome without knowing that was what I was suffering. It wasn't until I started to show self compassion that I was able to have a relationship with my inner self. I was emotional devastated by the memories this child in me carried. This healing journey is so hard by so worth it. I'm so thankful that the inner child finally found an adult to care for him. I admire the amazing undestructive coping strategies this child employed before I connected with him to reparent him. Together we live a constructive grateful toxic resistant life with invisible scars. Scars are a sign of healing. They are no longer open wounds.
George, my goodness, you pretty much just summed up the healing journey. And you've done it in a way that only someone who has truly gone on it can do. I honor you and the work you have put in to heal!
George, this is beautiful. As one who has journeyed with a difficult past and with the burden of shame, it wasn’t until my 40’s that I embraced self compassion, and learned to love myself-all of myself. As Kelly expresses, loving oneself, honoring all our imperfections and messiness, is to become whole. Integrated.
Thank you for expressing yourself so vulnerably and beautifully.
It's significant that this is a syndrome, not a disease. Syndrome is defined as a group of symptoms which consistently occur together, or a condition characterized by a set of associated symptoms. So when we embrace and integrate, our syndrome belongs to the Whole. I love how you normalize what most of us feel and give a way to pivot, grow into more than the parts.
And I love that distinction between disease and syndrome. I'd never thought about it that way before. A disease points to something broken. A syndrome simply points to something. In this case, to something within us that is more whole than we can possibly imagine.
Kelly, I thought going back to school in my fifties and obtaining three degrees would eliminate the part of me that believed she was dumb. Only to find, imposter syndrome is alive and well. Then I thought as I practiced and grew as a clinician the part of me that believed she was dumb would, if not go away, then at least be less. Only to find, imposter syndrome is alive and well. And so is that young girl inside of me who was incredibly shy and believed she was not capable or smart.
Now, I have learned to bring that young small part of me along for the ride, to embrace her, not push her away. To know I have done the work to have the job I have, and am also a better clinician when I embrace all parts of me with love and compassion.
That last part brought tears to my eyes, Cathy. All along, we thought we would be better helpers if we were completely healed. It turns out, we're better helpers when we're just a little more whole. 🙏
Love how you reframed this—imposter syndrome as simply the small child inside all of us feeling insecure. I feel incompetent often in my job as a therapist, especially since I recently started giving schema therapy in a group. The kid inside of me feels very small and powerless in the face of so much suffering and such rigid patterns in human behavior. I work on recognizing and caring for my small self, so that I can break my own pattern of proving myself by saving others. Only then can I truly soften towards and make space for the people I get to accompany on their journeys. Do you have any advice on how you do/did that as a guide for other people?
Yes, yes, yes. This is so beautifully articulated, Lara. We are not of much help to others or ourselves when we are caught in the same old pattern of proving our worth by saving other people. Instead, we settle into our worth, and in doing so we play our small part in saving whoever is interested in being saved.
There is a lot in that last sentence! Settle into our worth—that is very helpful! Playing our small part, and believing it is enough. And respect where the other person is at, their boundaries, their timing, their choice. Thanks!
What a beautiful message, Kelly. I am grateful that imposter syndrome hasn't been a problem for me in recent years, but definitely plagued me much of my life. Setting down perfectionism and embracing "good enoughism" definitely helped. I love the idea of talking to your parts to help them through, while inviting them to the party. Thanks for sharing!
I have no doubt that practicing "good enough-ism" has been incredibly soothing to that inner child of yours. And thank you for that new term, Janine! 😊
Happy to share!
Wow! I like this - a lot. A way to talk to the little girl in me.
I'm so glad to hear that, Judith. Please circle back at some point and let us know how it is going!
Hey Kelly, great article. And I love the pastor's explanation and tip to how to honor and regather, make whole, with that younger version of ourselves.
But I reread the post several times because something felt "off" to me and then I figured out what it is. The word “impostor” is from the Latin “to deceive” and it generally means to assume false identity or title for the purpose of deception/fraud.
And I say that is NOT what our younger wounded version was trying to do; they were strictly trying to survive and feel loved. And to assign that the building of our castle and fortifications was somehow a conscious “deception“ feels very judgmental/shaming to me of the tender versions that we were just trying to be.
Years ago, there was a woman, Pam Young, who posted regularly under “The Brat Factor, Inc“ suggesting the inner child in us that did the bratty, unwanted and challenging behaviors to be our “inner brat”. She encouraged us to name her/him in an attempt to acknowledge and work with them ("manage" them) so they didn’t have to play out those behaviors in our day-to-day life. I had done a significant amount of personal growth following Alice Miller’s work, “The Drama of the Gifted Child”, when I came to the following understanding, and so I wrote to her:
"I'm realizing my "inner brat", "Sr Mary Gargantuan", is really Princess Molly M. Molly M took on the alter ego at a time when her sweetness and authentic self wasn't being seen, heard, respected and supported by her parents. Since they seemed to hold all the power (and Molly M wanted some in her life, too!) she watched and copied controlling, demanding behaviors (as they made sense to her back then). Those behaviors which got attention (and any attention - even negative - was better than NO attention), helped her survive her childhood with a distorted sense of power, but then began to wreck havoc in her/my adulthood. Molly M just wanted to be honored for her boundlessness/desire to explore, her desire to voice her truth in compassion, and her courage to live life. Her original parents didn't/couldn't honor those qualities..... but I sure can. Your evolving work helps me challenge the limiting beliefs that Molly M (formerly Sr Mary Gargantuan) is a brat, that her behaviors are bratty, and that she needs to be "managed". I choose instead to re-parent her in a more loving, compassionate, and healthier way. The more I can see her, listen, respect and support her in her authentic qualities, the more of them she shares with me, and demanding, needy, self-sabotaging Sr Mary G fades away. Molly M doesn't need to act powerful when I honor her - she is a royal princess who loves to act as her benevolent and fun-loving Queen Mother is modeling. And I suspicion that one day (soon, I hope) she will mature and take on her full, benevolent, fun-loving Queenship." 2013
So likewise, I respectfully reject that our younger, wounded child is "an impostor" imposing (sic) a conscious effort to deceive others or commit fraud. I really strongly believe this is a misapplication/appropriation/use of the word/moniker for a survival technique from our youther days. It seems more like a demonization for a kidlet part of me trying to be the best they can. I haven't come up with the word I would use other than a wounded part of me/us, that wants to be integrated into the whole human I am striving to be.
So not "Impostor" but rather "yet to be integrated". I vote for changing the culture and vibes of "Impostor Syndrome".
And, feeling on a roll...I was massaging the word "behavior" and phrases such as good/bad behavior, as well as "behave yourself!!": often hissed at us when out with our family, in a classroom, or admonished as parents left us with a babysitter or grandparents. You know: obey, act accordingly/reasonably. What if instead we were offered/encouraged to BE-HAVE YOURSELF? Our sweet, beautiful authentic self...be THAT! (no brat, no impostor)
And one of the meanings of "be" as a prefix is used for "increased/extra effect or intensification" (ie Beloved). So that works with the word even better for me, as ...REALLY have yourself! Be your BEST/MOST AUTHENTIC self. Yes, BE THAT!!!!
In Gratitudeo,
¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Heather and Molly M
What a lovely reflection, Heather. I vote for changing the term imposter syndrome as well!
We shall integrate.
Yes, we contain multitudes.
Imposters can help.
We contain multitudes. Old Walt. One of my favorite phrases. Thank you for this bit of poetry, Marisol!
Your posts, soul science.
We psychs are called to share, serve.
Include impostors?:
https://marisolmunozkiehne.substack.com/p/also-assemblage
Soul science. What a high compliment, Marisol. 🙏
If psych means soul and
ology stands for science,
isn't this our call?
Right on, Marisol!