Leave it to Joe Mancini to ask an incisive question about the unproven premise of the post. There are so many ways to answer this. I'm going to sit with and return with an answer. In the meantime, I'd invite you and others to share your thoughts about it!
I think it's important to clarify that phrase "more connection." You could argue Facebook is "more connection," but most of what happens there isn't terribly important, nor healthy for us. So, let's assume by more connection we mean deeper, more satisfying connection?
In that case, I think I can answer that question from several perspectives:
1. From a therapeutic perspective, you discover over time that no matter what problem a person presents with in therapy, the root of it almost always goes to the pain of relational disconnection. Connection seems to be at the heart of the problem we're all trying to solve with our lives.
2. From a social scientific perspective, the data shows unequivocally that as the quality of our human connection goes up so does our physical health, emotional health, longevity, life satisfaction, and so on. Currently, we're seeing that as the quality of analog connection goes down due to cell phones and social media, young people become more anxious, depressed and suicidal.
3. From a wisdom tradition perspective, Thich Naht Hahn probably summarized most of the traditions best when he said, "We are here to awaken from the illusion of our separateness."
I'll stop there. Did that speak to your question, Joe?
Excellent points, Kelly. My WIP book deals so much with all of this. We were created to thrive with healthy connections, and yet in this fallen and increasingly digital world, people are craving authentic connections. I see so many growing more anxious and depressed as they set aside face to face connection to feed their internet addiction to shallow interactions based on dopamine but not meeting deeper needs well at all.
Yes, Teyani. I left this comment on the Human Hour replay:
I see connection and protection as mutually exclusive impulses, in the same way that you can't drive forward and backward at the same time. You have to choose which one you will do in the moment.
At the core of the connection versus protection decision is the question of pain. What are we protecting? We are protecting ourselves from more pain. How do we know to protect ourselves? Because we have experience pain in the past. Why is connection vulnerable? Because it opens us up to pain. This question of how we handle the risk/reward of the pleasure/pain of human connection is central to everything we do.
Because more is better for everything. Even pain and suffering. How else can we learn if there isn't more of something to learn about? How can experience anything if there isn't more of it to experience? We must have more available to us or the thing that is limited has no value. The ideal is to get more of things that bring us joy and wholeness. Connection is a proven factor of humanness that provides joy. It is proven by historical, empirical, and observable aspects of human life, no matter what society or collection of humans you look at. It's evident among gangs as well as church congregations. There isn't a place where human reside where connection is not a serious component of the joy they experience as well as the primary factor of what causes them pain and anguish if it is lacking.
I love this message. I love the timing of this message. I am constantly needing to improve my ability to arrive at compassion. I want it to be easier, and some days it is. Often, it is easier when I notice those who struggle on the outside. It is clear that in addition to anything else, the external struggle is seen. Yet, for the rich oilman, I find myself in judgement. When unseen, I become more self aware and pay attention to my pain instead of their pain. I found great power in the story within the story; it went deep for me. Thank you for reminding me that our goal is compassion, in order for us to connect in a deeper manner, thus deepen our compassion. This cycle of Divine Love is what being human is about.
"This cycle of Divine Love is what being human is about." Well said, Cynthia. Some of us have more cleverly disguised our pain within more socially celebrated protections than others, but it's still there. May we remember to look for it.
Just a few days ago I had a conversation with a loved one asking for ( or probably more accurately demanding) compassion in a certain situation. It’s a difficult, complicated family situation. My life is chock full of complicated family situations. I should be an expert at compassion, but I still struggle at times, especially as you mentioned when one of my un healed wounds gets bumped. You reminded me that I can maintain boundaries and be a good guardian of my mental health with people in my life and still approach them with compassion.
This is so well-said, Michelle. Thank you for bringing the fruit of your work to share with us. It reminds me of a quote from Kabir: "Do what you do with another human being, but never put them out of your heart." Boundaries and openheartedness can co-exist. It's hard work, but possible. You're doing the work.
This is a beautiful reminder that helps us see our humanity in others no matter how they show up. Not always easy. A Course in Miracles says that each person we encounter is either expressing love or calling for love. I've also heard it said that the most difficult people to love need our love the most.
I appreciate the perspective, and this quote “a compassion that can stand in awe at what (others) have to carry rather than stand in judgment at how they carry it.”
My struggle with some, especially family members, " give a man a fish and he'll eat for day, teach a man to fish and he'll feed himself."
Some people just want the fish, and that makes me only want to do it once or twice. Am I in judgement of how others carry their burdens when they refuse to find a way through and out of behaviors that keep them stuck in a destructive cycle?
Oh, Christy, this is such a fantastic question. I think you’ll find this Wednesday’s post speaks to it directly. Current working title is “Navigate Boundaries with Love.” Can’t wait to share it with you!
I had an experience yesterday. My son came to us with some concerns that I was able to get him to open up about and his emotions came flooding out. I felt for him so much so I held him and we blubbered together for a long while. I am not like that. I am not comfortable in that space. But I went there and we connected there. It was beautiful and terrifying. We felt it then together we let it go so we could live out the rest of our day. It was cathartic to say the least.
Funny thing, his mother was paralyzed. She felt so unsure of her ability to comfort him in his pain she hesitated. But is was her hesitation that gave me space to act as I did and have that experience. She felt less than after it was over as she and I talked about it. I expressed to her that I felt like her space that she gave to my son and I to experience these things was what was needed and she was not less than but perfectly connected, even if unwittingly so.
We might need to experience things differently than we expect but I believe the perfection of God's providence is similar to Harry Potter's "Felix Felisus" or "Liquid Luck". He consumed that potion with faith it would guide him to what he needed/ wanted. With a pure heart he was then influenced to go in these seemingly random directions and practically the opposite way he might have otherwise thought to go. He just felt right about his next step, no knowing why it felt right. To me God perfectly guides us in such a manner. In our weak and imperfect condition He can influence us to make a choice and try a thing that is counterintuitive or even uncomfortable and it becomes the exact right thing to do and experience.
This is why the human connection is so critical. If we are anything we are singularly important because we are all the children of God. We are destined for eternal capacity that makes us so critical that connecting with each other is basically a priority.
I can feel your openheartedness from that experience with your son still lingering powerfully in this reflection.
It's amazing to me, when we allow pain to flow out, faith, hope, and love seem to flow out right on the heels of it.
I'm also noticing your wife was paralyzed by not knowing how to comfort him, but you didn't comfort him, you joined him, and sometimes being joined is the greatest comfort.
Love the Zach Bryan reference, that intro poem is one of my favorites right now. Great reminder to lean into compassion when you can to create that muscle memory!
I want to provide compassion in my work everyday with refugees, but sometimes that is so hard to do. If I am honest the most I can offer at times is sympathy. Sympathy provides a distance which feels safer, a protection from their suffering. I am still a work in progress. My goal is to be a place of compassion, connection, safety. There are many times I fail and then I remember I need to be a place of compassion, connection, and safety for myself in those times of seeming failure, not shame.
Cathy, knowing you, I trust you give 110% of the compassion you are able to give. When you feel yourself limited to sympathy, I pray you'll receive that as a call to self-care, rest, and renewal. It's a sign the compassion needs to be directed at yourself for a while.
Great message on compassion. I also had a flash back to the 10k races my husband's family used to run. Trying to the water out. 3 cups at a time. Juggling them all. Sometimes they would drop all 3 cups. Ugh
Yes! It was my first time serving in that way and I made a mental note to wear sandals and swim trunks next time - I think more water wound up on us than in them! 😂
Why is more connection important?
Leave it to Joe Mancini to ask an incisive question about the unproven premise of the post. There are so many ways to answer this. I'm going to sit with and return with an answer. In the meantime, I'd invite you and others to share your thoughts about it!
I think it's important to clarify that phrase "more connection." You could argue Facebook is "more connection," but most of what happens there isn't terribly important, nor healthy for us. So, let's assume by more connection we mean deeper, more satisfying connection?
In that case, I think I can answer that question from several perspectives:
1. From a therapeutic perspective, you discover over time that no matter what problem a person presents with in therapy, the root of it almost always goes to the pain of relational disconnection. Connection seems to be at the heart of the problem we're all trying to solve with our lives.
2. From a social scientific perspective, the data shows unequivocally that as the quality of our human connection goes up so does our physical health, emotional health, longevity, life satisfaction, and so on. Currently, we're seeing that as the quality of analog connection goes down due to cell phones and social media, young people become more anxious, depressed and suicidal.
3. From a wisdom tradition perspective, Thich Naht Hahn probably summarized most of the traditions best when he said, "We are here to awaken from the illusion of our separateness."
I'll stop there. Did that speak to your question, Joe?
Excellent points, Kelly. My WIP book deals so much with all of this. We were created to thrive with healthy connections, and yet in this fallen and increasingly digital world, people are craving authentic connections. I see so many growing more anxious and depressed as they set aside face to face connection to feed their internet addiction to shallow interactions based on dopamine but not meeting deeper needs well at all.
Without connection we are no different from the alligators in the bayou, fighting to the death over their last meal.
Yes, Teyani. I left this comment on the Human Hour replay:
I see connection and protection as mutually exclusive impulses, in the same way that you can't drive forward and backward at the same time. You have to choose which one you will do in the moment.
At the core of the connection versus protection decision is the question of pain. What are we protecting? We are protecting ourselves from more pain. How do we know to protect ourselves? Because we have experience pain in the past. Why is connection vulnerable? Because it opens us up to pain. This question of how we handle the risk/reward of the pleasure/pain of human connection is central to everything we do.
Because more is better for everything. Even pain and suffering. How else can we learn if there isn't more of something to learn about? How can experience anything if there isn't more of it to experience? We must have more available to us or the thing that is limited has no value. The ideal is to get more of things that bring us joy and wholeness. Connection is a proven factor of humanness that provides joy. It is proven by historical, empirical, and observable aspects of human life, no matter what society or collection of humans you look at. It's evident among gangs as well as church congregations. There isn't a place where human reside where connection is not a serious component of the joy they experience as well as the primary factor of what causes them pain and anguish if it is lacking.
This was beautiful. Thank you.
You're welcome, Valerie, and thank you for saying so.
What a lovely reminder this morning, Kelly. Thank you!
Thank you, Chelle!
I love this message. I love the timing of this message. I am constantly needing to improve my ability to arrive at compassion. I want it to be easier, and some days it is. Often, it is easier when I notice those who struggle on the outside. It is clear that in addition to anything else, the external struggle is seen. Yet, for the rich oilman, I find myself in judgement. When unseen, I become more self aware and pay attention to my pain instead of their pain. I found great power in the story within the story; it went deep for me. Thank you for reminding me that our goal is compassion, in order for us to connect in a deeper manner, thus deepen our compassion. This cycle of Divine Love is what being human is about.
"This cycle of Divine Love is what being human is about." Well said, Cynthia. Some of us have more cleverly disguised our pain within more socially celebrated protections than others, but it's still there. May we remember to look for it.
Absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing and the inspiration to be more compassionate.
Thank you, Leslie, I'm really glad it resonated with you.
Just a few days ago I had a conversation with a loved one asking for ( or probably more accurately demanding) compassion in a certain situation. It’s a difficult, complicated family situation. My life is chock full of complicated family situations. I should be an expert at compassion, but I still struggle at times, especially as you mentioned when one of my un healed wounds gets bumped. You reminded me that I can maintain boundaries and be a good guardian of my mental health with people in my life and still approach them with compassion.
This is so well-said, Michelle. Thank you for bringing the fruit of your work to share with us. It reminds me of a quote from Kabir: "Do what you do with another human being, but never put them out of your heart." Boundaries and openheartedness can co-exist. It's hard work, but possible. You're doing the work.
Beautiful essay Kelly. Especially sharing the enormous difference between sympathy and compassion.
I'm glad that part struck a chord, Teyani.
I loved this, Kelly. I had just been working on a draft this evening in a similar vein. Great job.
Just subscribed, can’t wait to read it!
Thanks! I think it was my article called Country Sue.
I’ll go read it now!
Beautiful as usual. Proud of Aidan!
Thanks, Eli, me too. 😊
This is a beautiful reminder that helps us see our humanity in others no matter how they show up. Not always easy. A Course in Miracles says that each person we encounter is either expressing love or calling for love. I've also heard it said that the most difficult people to love need our love the most.
Hmmm. That’s a wonderful way to think of it: either expressing love or calling for love. It is probably that simple. Thanks for this!
Wow very interesting
I appreciate the perspective, and this quote “a compassion that can stand in awe at what (others) have to carry rather than stand in judgment at how they carry it.”
My struggle with some, especially family members, " give a man a fish and he'll eat for day, teach a man to fish and he'll feed himself."
Some people just want the fish, and that makes me only want to do it once or twice. Am I in judgement of how others carry their burdens when they refuse to find a way through and out of behaviors that keep them stuck in a destructive cycle?
Oh, Christy, this is such a fantastic question. I think you’ll find this Wednesday’s post speaks to it directly. Current working title is “Navigate Boundaries with Love.” Can’t wait to share it with you!
I had an experience yesterday. My son came to us with some concerns that I was able to get him to open up about and his emotions came flooding out. I felt for him so much so I held him and we blubbered together for a long while. I am not like that. I am not comfortable in that space. But I went there and we connected there. It was beautiful and terrifying. We felt it then together we let it go so we could live out the rest of our day. It was cathartic to say the least.
Funny thing, his mother was paralyzed. She felt so unsure of her ability to comfort him in his pain she hesitated. But is was her hesitation that gave me space to act as I did and have that experience. She felt less than after it was over as she and I talked about it. I expressed to her that I felt like her space that she gave to my son and I to experience these things was what was needed and she was not less than but perfectly connected, even if unwittingly so.
We might need to experience things differently than we expect but I believe the perfection of God's providence is similar to Harry Potter's "Felix Felisus" or "Liquid Luck". He consumed that potion with faith it would guide him to what he needed/ wanted. With a pure heart he was then influenced to go in these seemingly random directions and practically the opposite way he might have otherwise thought to go. He just felt right about his next step, no knowing why it felt right. To me God perfectly guides us in such a manner. In our weak and imperfect condition He can influence us to make a choice and try a thing that is counterintuitive or even uncomfortable and it becomes the exact right thing to do and experience.
This is why the human connection is so critical. If we are anything we are singularly important because we are all the children of God. We are destined for eternal capacity that makes us so critical that connecting with each other is basically a priority.
I can feel your openheartedness from that experience with your son still lingering powerfully in this reflection.
It's amazing to me, when we allow pain to flow out, faith, hope, and love seem to flow out right on the heels of it.
I'm also noticing your wife was paralyzed by not knowing how to comfort him, but you didn't comfort him, you joined him, and sometimes being joined is the greatest comfort.
Love the Zach Bryan reference, that intro poem is one of my favorites right now. Great reminder to lean into compassion when you can to create that muscle memory!
We have a huge overlap in music tastes! 😊
I want to provide compassion in my work everyday with refugees, but sometimes that is so hard to do. If I am honest the most I can offer at times is sympathy. Sympathy provides a distance which feels safer, a protection from their suffering. I am still a work in progress. My goal is to be a place of compassion, connection, safety. There are many times I fail and then I remember I need to be a place of compassion, connection, and safety for myself in those times of seeming failure, not shame.
Cathy, knowing you, I trust you give 110% of the compassion you are able to give. When you feel yourself limited to sympathy, I pray you'll receive that as a call to self-care, rest, and renewal. It's a sign the compassion needs to be directed at yourself for a while.
Great message on compassion. I also had a flash back to the 10k races my husband's family used to run. Trying to the water out. 3 cups at a time. Juggling them all. Sometimes they would drop all 3 cups. Ugh
Yes! It was my first time serving in that way and I made a mental note to wear sandals and swim trunks next time - I think more water wound up on us than in them! 😂