Your brain will never stop predicting danger. But you can become aware of its predictions, open your heart to what actually is, and let life surprise you in a good way every once in a while.
Hi Kelly, I love this post, and I can relate on several levels. I'm a cyclist too and have had many similar experiences on the road. Also, about 25.5 years ago when my newborn daughter and I ventured out of my home and to the grocery store for the first post-c-section outing, I was certain the slightest peep out of her would annoy and anger every customer, every employee in the store. I was so on edge! Struggling to navigate a car seat and stroller contraption for the first time, I approached the entrance feeling very nervous and overwhelmed, and I needed help entering the store (I don't recall why!). I made assumptions about who might come to my rescue, and much to my surprise, a teenage boy held the door and offered to help. I had expected someone like me, a woman, a mother, a grandmother. And for the following months, similar situations played out. Almost 26 years later, that shock of reality vs expectation stays with me - like orange juice instead of milk. And professionally, I teach statistics, and next week I begin my unit on collecting data, and the importance of random selection. We start with an activity involving judgment bias...I may work your stories in to my lesson, because as usual, you're on point with messages that stick. Thanks for sharing. Oh, before I sign off, speaking of sticking...per our past discussion about peanut butters, I really hope you try Teddie's, not only because I love it, but so does NYT Wirecutter. https://www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/reviews/best-creamy-peanut-butter/. :-). Thanks for being here, Kelly.
Karen, what a wonderful story about that first trip to the grocery store with your daughter. That teenage boy reminds me of when I was in NYC for the first time when we were on the Today Show, and I unknowingly dropped my credit card on the sidewalk. I had all sorts of preconceptions about the city. They were undone both by the fact that someone chased me down to return my card, and who it was. Pleasant surprises everywhere.
Also, I love that as a statistics instructor you went out and found more data to support your advocacy of Teddies. 😂 I definitely need to try it!
I often walk into a classroom situation expecting poor behavior or defiance because I'm a substitute. But I find when I approach the day as a blank canvas, I am often surprised in a good way.
It really is a great metaphor, Lisa. What an interesting exercise, to contemplate at the beginning of the day, "What have I already pained onto the canvas of my day, good or bad, and how might I open my heart to what actually is?"
I'm really liking this canvas imagery. I often wake thinking about things that are driven by anxious thoughts and if I can just picture this canvas and painting it the way I want throughout the day, that's powerful.
Nice, Kelly. I like your writing style and your willingness to learn about your own implicit biases and expectations. Maturity is a willingness to be wrong, right?
I love this Don, "Maturity is a willingness to be wrong" so much yes! That's so powerful. As I get older I'm so tired of trying to be right all the time and I crave the freedom that comes with allowing mistakes and allowing that maybe I got it wrong and there's another way to be or see something. ❤️
SO many layers to this...For me, I think it boils down to insecurities from past hurts, insults, injustices, etc. The phrase "loaded for bear" comes to mind, and this piece of yours is a very important reminder to me to be aware of those things that have my heart slamming shut before I even know what is really going to happen. Grace is what I need, and grace will lead me home...thank you, K.
I think you're right on, Donna. I think it's that past pain that generates our current predictions. Vulnerability, I suppose, is being willing to trade in our predictions for the possibility of more pain. It's easy to see why we'd all stay "loaded for bear" when you think of it that way! Grace upon grace, my dear friend.
Kelly, this is such a great post, especially right now, given the coming election and our country's current state of extreme bias. This, "Our self-righteousness hangs out in our predictions." That really stood out to me, the self-righteousness we all get around all sorts of things.
I loved how you wove your two experiences on the same day into this idea of being aware of our brains and their ongoing predictions. It made me recognize how often, in a single day, I am doing the same. Such a great object lesson.
And this, "Our unconscious mind would rather live in an unsafe world it can predict than in a safe world it can’t predict." That got me in my heart, because I know it's so true. I'm challenged by that in a personal way as I unwind a lifetime of hypervigilance that lean into creating the belief that it is a safe world that I can't predict. Because either way I can't predict, really, and I'd rather walk around feeling safe. It's a hard practice thought isn't it? Our brains are really strong, or stubborn, or both. ;)
That line about preferring an unsafe but predictable world got me too, when it came out of me. Like a gut punch. I had to sit with it for a day to consider if it's actually true, and I think it is. And it explains a lot.
I love your observation that much prediction is an illusion anyway, though, so why not default to safety and let your danger predictions become more secondary. Food for thought, indeed!
Hahaha. Every once in a while, I forget what’s really going on, I get lost in nature and everything feels okay, and then I remember…
I think that it is true. And I think like you said we can learn to be aware of it and have more control over our reactions/reactivity because of it. We allow that space to choose how we want to show up.
I like to think when we're caught up in the throes of the chaos our egos have created in civilization, that's when we've forgotten "what's really going on." When the birds sing in the morning, I hear them saying, "We'll still be here singing when you're all done self-destructing." I wish we could all be like the birds, but alas, the ego demands its pound of flesh.
Very insightful perspective! I hadn't really considered what I'm predicting (or expecting) and how much that impacts my experience. Lots of ways I can see exploring this will be helpful and transformative. Thank you!
I hadn't either, Victoria, when I read it in that book. Then suddenly I could see my brain doing it constantly. Text message comes in. It predicts spam vs. personal. Step out the door. It predicts too cold or just right. Family walk in the door. It predicts good mood versus bad. Increasingly, the challenge is clear: to live in this moment, not the one just nanoseconds away.
"Open your heart to what actually is."... this is a great definition of curiosity, but with an additional level to it. Opening my heart instead of simply learning what something is.
For people like myself that suffer from complex trauma, it's a challenge to stay living in reality while being triggered. Being aware of what's going on in the brain, identifying and staying away from toxic people and trusting a God that heals enables me to live open hearted. It's much better living in the unknown by faith that enabling abuse to continue. Thanks for sharing these insightful reflections.
Yes, George, that’s exactly it. It’s clear you know the experience all too well. Trauma is the ingrained nervous system reaction that makes stepping out of hypervigilance and into awareness so difficult. At the same time, the degrees of difficulty are exactly proportionate to the reward, when you can find some of that freedom from the predictive mind. Good for you for doing the work!
It is a good reminder because we forget when we are in the thick of it.
And predictions are not only warnings of danger but also expectations of reward- and once the event occurs whether our predictions were correct or not - we again forget and continue to focus on the next prediction.
Thanks for reminding me we will keep predicting but also to notice it - which allows a big step back so less reactive- that bit of a pause.
I have much to think about from all the comments. I like everyone else make predictions without even realizing it. But what I realized is what helps me with anticipation, is asking myself when I remember to do so, or after being triggered even… ‘What is my truth here’?
That just helps me ground myself with what I’m really feeling Now or needing in this moment from myself. I can then detach from what I thought would be and cool my triggers.
In two days, I will have a FaceTime conversation with my ex-husband where I will make amends, and ask him to create a different space with me going forward for our adult sons and their upcoming life events. Of course I’ve made a prediction already about how I think it will go, but this reminds me to spend more time asking myself ‘what is my truth’ and what do I need from myself before and after I show up. Thanks as always Kelly!
Wow. What a brave and powerful thing you are embarking upon with your ex-husband, Marilyn. I'm so glad this post shines some light on some of your expectations. I can see how asking, "What is my truth?" can disrupt that predictive process. It relocates you in you, and it reveals how much our predictions are not just about keeping ourselves safe but also controlling the people and situations around us. Ironically, we are never more out of control than when we are trying to control other people. Blessings upon your truth and your conversation!
Thank you. This was so helpul! Now…if I could set up an hourly reminder to watch out for my negative predictions.
They tend to live just below the radar of conscious thought. So it takes a little deeper self awareness, a little slowing down to catch them in their clandestine action.
Yes, exactly, Guadalupe! During our Human Hour conversations, we've been talking about how bodily feedback can alert us to our predictions. When you notice any kind of tightening between your waist and your temples, ask yourself what you're predicting now. It's an even more reliable alert than setting an hourly timer. :)
Aside from crushing our notion of the brain being a data processor, what I love about this research is that it implies dopamine isn’t the simple reward system we once thought. Instead it functions primarily as confirmation feedback system. The brain digs getting it right. That’s if I’ve properly understood the research.
I like that interpretation, Damon, though I’m admittedly not a neuropsych expert. I’m not sure how the predictive mind is related to the endogenous dopamine system. We certainly ACT like having our predictions confirmed brings us great pleasure, don’t we? Another fascinating book in this regard: “The Righteous Mind” by Jonathan Haidt.
Our unconscious mind would rather live in an unsafe world it can predict than in a safe world it can't predict."
This line really hit home for me. I'm in a long healing process after a brain injury and one of the most annoying aspects has been dysautonomia... it's been so DIFFICULT. My brain just loves to keep me in fight or flight. And it is comfortable with it (meanwhile - i'm NOT comfortable with it).
It explains so much about why we cling to familiar patterns, even when they're harmful. It's a powerful reminder that true safety comes from embracing uncertainty and being open to the unknown. Now if my brain and body can get on the same page? HA.
This is a wonderful article. Thank you for sharing.
Wow, Alex, I'd never heard of dysautonomia, and I've just done some research. What an incredibly difficult condition to be living with. You're essentially living in the state most of human progress has been designed to avoid. I imagine the only way to live meaningfully with it is to grow from it spiritually. It's clear to me from your writings that you're doing so!
I often predict what other people will think of what I do or say. I'm very critical of myself this way and it's exhausting. Just becoming aware of it has reduced my nervous system activity, all activated over something non-existent. It's remarkable.
Absolutely, Trevy. The expansion of your awareness and the relocating of your identity and reality within it, rather than the predictive, critical mind is such leap in personal growth. Blessings upon the work you are doing in this regard!
Hi Kelly, I love this post, and I can relate on several levels. I'm a cyclist too and have had many similar experiences on the road. Also, about 25.5 years ago when my newborn daughter and I ventured out of my home and to the grocery store for the first post-c-section outing, I was certain the slightest peep out of her would annoy and anger every customer, every employee in the store. I was so on edge! Struggling to navigate a car seat and stroller contraption for the first time, I approached the entrance feeling very nervous and overwhelmed, and I needed help entering the store (I don't recall why!). I made assumptions about who might come to my rescue, and much to my surprise, a teenage boy held the door and offered to help. I had expected someone like me, a woman, a mother, a grandmother. And for the following months, similar situations played out. Almost 26 years later, that shock of reality vs expectation stays with me - like orange juice instead of milk. And professionally, I teach statistics, and next week I begin my unit on collecting data, and the importance of random selection. We start with an activity involving judgment bias...I may work your stories in to my lesson, because as usual, you're on point with messages that stick. Thanks for sharing. Oh, before I sign off, speaking of sticking...per our past discussion about peanut butters, I really hope you try Teddie's, not only because I love it, but so does NYT Wirecutter. https://www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/reviews/best-creamy-peanut-butter/. :-). Thanks for being here, Kelly.
Karen, what a wonderful story about that first trip to the grocery store with your daughter. That teenage boy reminds me of when I was in NYC for the first time when we were on the Today Show, and I unknowingly dropped my credit card on the sidewalk. I had all sorts of preconceptions about the city. They were undone both by the fact that someone chased me down to return my card, and who it was. Pleasant surprises everywhere.
Also, I love that as a statistics instructor you went out and found more data to support your advocacy of Teddies. 😂 I definitely need to try it!
I often walk into a classroom situation expecting poor behavior or defiance because I'm a substitute. But I find when I approach the day as a blank canvas, I am often surprised in a good way.
I love this! That's a great metaphor for any situation, actually. thank you! ❤️
It really is a great metaphor, Lisa. What an interesting exercise, to contemplate at the beginning of the day, "What have I already pained onto the canvas of my day, good or bad, and how might I open my heart to what actually is?"
I'm really liking this canvas imagery. I often wake thinking about things that are driven by anxious thoughts and if I can just picture this canvas and painting it the way I want throughout the day, that's powerful.
Nice, Kelly. I like your writing style and your willingness to learn about your own implicit biases and expectations. Maturity is a willingness to be wrong, right?
Thanks forthis great piece!
I love this Don, "Maturity is a willingness to be wrong" so much yes! That's so powerful. As I get older I'm so tired of trying to be right all the time and I crave the freedom that comes with allowing mistakes and allowing that maybe I got it wrong and there's another way to be or see something. ❤️
“Liberating“ is absolutely correct, Joselyn! 🙏💚
It really is a powerfully liberating phrase! I have a feeling I'm going to have multiple opportunities to "mature" today. 😂
SO many layers to this...For me, I think it boils down to insecurities from past hurts, insults, injustices, etc. The phrase "loaded for bear" comes to mind, and this piece of yours is a very important reminder to me to be aware of those things that have my heart slamming shut before I even know what is really going to happen. Grace is what I need, and grace will lead me home...thank you, K.
I think you're right on, Donna. I think it's that past pain that generates our current predictions. Vulnerability, I suppose, is being willing to trade in our predictions for the possibility of more pain. It's easy to see why we'd all stay "loaded for bear" when you think of it that way! Grace upon grace, my dear friend.
Thank you, K.
Kelly, this is such a great post, especially right now, given the coming election and our country's current state of extreme bias. This, "Our self-righteousness hangs out in our predictions." That really stood out to me, the self-righteousness we all get around all sorts of things.
I loved how you wove your two experiences on the same day into this idea of being aware of our brains and their ongoing predictions. It made me recognize how often, in a single day, I am doing the same. Such a great object lesson.
And this, "Our unconscious mind would rather live in an unsafe world it can predict than in a safe world it can’t predict." That got me in my heart, because I know it's so true. I'm challenged by that in a personal way as I unwind a lifetime of hypervigilance that lean into creating the belief that it is a safe world that I can't predict. Because either way I can't predict, really, and I'd rather walk around feeling safe. It's a hard practice thought isn't it? Our brains are really strong, or stubborn, or both. ;)
Thank you for this food for thought. 🙏
Wait, what election? Jk. 😊
That line about preferring an unsafe but predictable world got me too, when it came out of me. Like a gut punch. I had to sit with it for a day to consider if it's actually true, and I think it is. And it explains a lot.
I love your observation that much prediction is an illusion anyway, though, so why not default to safety and let your danger predictions become more secondary. Food for thought, indeed!
Hahaha. Every once in a while, I forget what’s really going on, I get lost in nature and everything feels okay, and then I remember…
I think that it is true. And I think like you said we can learn to be aware of it and have more control over our reactions/reactivity because of it. We allow that space to choose how we want to show up.
I like to think when we're caught up in the throes of the chaos our egos have created in civilization, that's when we've forgotten "what's really going on." When the birds sing in the morning, I hear them saying, "We'll still be here singing when you're all done self-destructing." I wish we could all be like the birds, but alas, the ego demands its pound of flesh.
Very insightful perspective! I hadn't really considered what I'm predicting (or expecting) and how much that impacts my experience. Lots of ways I can see exploring this will be helpful and transformative. Thank you!
I hadn't either, Victoria, when I read it in that book. Then suddenly I could see my brain doing it constantly. Text message comes in. It predicts spam vs. personal. Step out the door. It predicts too cold or just right. Family walk in the door. It predicts good mood versus bad. Increasingly, the challenge is clear: to live in this moment, not the one just nanoseconds away.
Yes, a wonderful way to underscore the need to be in the present moment. Love it!
"Open your heart to what actually is."... this is a great definition of curiosity, but with an additional level to it. Opening my heart instead of simply learning what something is.
Love the connection to curiosity here! Yes, in the head, curiosity is a learning. Along with the heart, it's an experiencing. Great observation!
For people like myself that suffer from complex trauma, it's a challenge to stay living in reality while being triggered. Being aware of what's going on in the brain, identifying and staying away from toxic people and trusting a God that heals enables me to live open hearted. It's much better living in the unknown by faith that enabling abuse to continue. Thanks for sharing these insightful reflections.
Yes, George, that’s exactly it. It’s clear you know the experience all too well. Trauma is the ingrained nervous system reaction that makes stepping out of hypervigilance and into awareness so difficult. At the same time, the degrees of difficulty are exactly proportionate to the reward, when you can find some of that freedom from the predictive mind. Good for you for doing the work!
Thank you this timely essay Kelly.
It is a good reminder because we forget when we are in the thick of it.
And predictions are not only warnings of danger but also expectations of reward- and once the event occurs whether our predictions were correct or not - we again forget and continue to focus on the next prediction.
Thanks for reminding me we will keep predicting but also to notice it - which allows a big step back so less reactive- that bit of a pause.
YES. That bit of pause. What a great way to say it! That bit of pause is where all of our sovereignty is located.
Another great Soooo much to reflect about Post!
I have much to think about from all the comments. I like everyone else make predictions without even realizing it. But what I realized is what helps me with anticipation, is asking myself when I remember to do so, or after being triggered even… ‘What is my truth here’?
That just helps me ground myself with what I’m really feeling Now or needing in this moment from myself. I can then detach from what I thought would be and cool my triggers.
In two days, I will have a FaceTime conversation with my ex-husband where I will make amends, and ask him to create a different space with me going forward for our adult sons and their upcoming life events. Of course I’ve made a prediction already about how I think it will go, but this reminds me to spend more time asking myself ‘what is my truth’ and what do I need from myself before and after I show up. Thanks as always Kelly!
Wow. What a brave and powerful thing you are embarking upon with your ex-husband, Marilyn. I'm so glad this post shines some light on some of your expectations. I can see how asking, "What is my truth?" can disrupt that predictive process. It relocates you in you, and it reveals how much our predictions are not just about keeping ourselves safe but also controlling the people and situations around us. Ironically, we are never more out of control than when we are trying to control other people. Blessings upon your truth and your conversation!
Exactly Kelly! So well said!
Thank you. This was so helpul! Now…if I could set up an hourly reminder to watch out for my negative predictions.
They tend to live just below the radar of conscious thought. So it takes a little deeper self awareness, a little slowing down to catch them in their clandestine action.
Yes, exactly, Guadalupe! During our Human Hour conversations, we've been talking about how bodily feedback can alert us to our predictions. When you notice any kind of tightening between your waist and your temples, ask yourself what you're predicting now. It's an even more reliable alert than setting an hourly timer. :)
Our brains are incredible. The predicting mind fascinates me too. Great essay Kelly
Thank you, Teyani!
Aside from crushing our notion of the brain being a data processor, what I love about this research is that it implies dopamine isn’t the simple reward system we once thought. Instead it functions primarily as confirmation feedback system. The brain digs getting it right. That’s if I’ve properly understood the research.
I like that interpretation, Damon, though I’m admittedly not a neuropsych expert. I’m not sure how the predictive mind is related to the endogenous dopamine system. We certainly ACT like having our predictions confirmed brings us great pleasure, don’t we? Another fascinating book in this regard: “The Righteous Mind” by Jonathan Haidt.
Oh, nice. Reading Coddling right now. I’ll add Righteous to my Kindle pile! Thanks
Sam Harris hosted some neurological researchers last year who mapped out this new information. It sorta blew my mind.
And I’ll add Coddling to mine! Read Anxious Generation earlier this year. Will do some digging on the Sam Harris info too!
Our unconscious mind would rather live in an unsafe world it can predict than in a safe world it can't predict."
This line really hit home for me. I'm in a long healing process after a brain injury and one of the most annoying aspects has been dysautonomia... it's been so DIFFICULT. My brain just loves to keep me in fight or flight. And it is comfortable with it (meanwhile - i'm NOT comfortable with it).
It explains so much about why we cling to familiar patterns, even when they're harmful. It's a powerful reminder that true safety comes from embracing uncertainty and being open to the unknown. Now if my brain and body can get on the same page? HA.
This is a wonderful article. Thank you for sharing.
Wow, Alex, I'd never heard of dysautonomia, and I've just done some research. What an incredibly difficult condition to be living with. You're essentially living in the state most of human progress has been designed to avoid. I imagine the only way to live meaningfully with it is to grow from it spiritually. It's clear to me from your writings that you're doing so!
'If we’re not aware of our brain’s predilection for prediction, we can add a lot of unnecessary prejudice and pain to the world.'
Very true. We should train ourselves to actively notice our predictions so we can assess whether or not they're valid and fair, or otherwise.
Raveen, you may have just articulated the most important human curriculum: to grow our awareness such that it runs the show, not our predictions.
I often predict what other people will think of what I do or say. I'm very critical of myself this way and it's exhausting. Just becoming aware of it has reduced my nervous system activity, all activated over something non-existent. It's remarkable.
Absolutely, Trevy. The expansion of your awareness and the relocating of your identity and reality within it, rather than the predictive, critical mind is such leap in personal growth. Blessings upon the work you are doing in this regard!
Thank you!