Chase your dreams, but never forget: the people and places we return to are the purpose of it all. We prioritize people, then projects, then people again. Our expansion mindset always reverts to an appreciation mindset.
The people we prioritize at the beginning are not always the people we prioritize at the end. Just like you probable didn't eat the rabbit Cole brought, my first people did not accept the truths I brought back to them. I realized then I was not their people, I was a tool that they could use and discard. As upsetting as that can be, I realized I needed to discern who my people are and spend my energy there.
So true. When I think of the people who are my purpose now, most of them are people I've met in the last twenty years or so. We are not Cole's original pack, either. 😊
Ahhhh, whoop! There it is! Instead of lamenting my lost purpose from retiring, it is merely a time of change, returning to a deeper, always present Purpose. Thank you.
I missed my "Whoop! There it is's!" 😊 Yes, yes, this Purpose that was always present and there but which we took our eyes off of at some point. Hope you're well on the mountain!
At the doorstep of 56, this resonates well with me. Purpose and meaning taking the passenger seat to connecting/being. I’m being drowned out as others think my mindset is wrong for business while I’m steadily connecting and hearing our clients. What is excellence anyway, if it’s not giving those in your sphere what they need versus cranking out the work for production sake (and yes there is a balance needed). What stands out: I can only authentically give what is within me to give. Thanks Kelly, for being my people! ❤️
I love this description of how you are embodying these ideas in the world. FWIW, I would have thought this mindset is "wrong," as you say, not so long ago. Keep leading, and they may discover it for themselves eventually!
This post pushs me to pursue more understanding about neuro typical vs neuro divergent. If caring about connection with our people is what it looks like for the neuro typical aging process, then what can we expect from the people in our lives who are neuro divergent?
This is an important awareness and a fantastic question, probably with lots of answers, as neurodivergence itself is not monolithic. There are actually a number of Substacks about neurodivergence, they may be worth exploring in this regard!
I wonder if this might be at the root of the loneliness monster. It doesn’t come knocking at my door very often, but I’ve noticed that it usually arises when I have something to celebrate. Having tough times alone is something most of us grown ups have mastered. They are times for quiet reflection and the occasional yell. The fabulous times, well that’s a whole different kettle of fish. Small Tah-dahs are a-okay for small wins. The medium ones, first publishing an essay on Substack, are fine celebrating with folks that aren’t right here. But the big wins, things like: “I got my Masters Degree!” Or the “I published my first book!” Are sweetest when shared with our people. Jumping up and down like crazy loons is best done with company.
I absolutely adore my people and life being what it is, some have moved across the pond and across the country, some have moved on after shedding their earthly ties, some have taken different paths.
What I’ve taken a whole mouthful of words to say is that yes, I agree. It’s all about the people.
You said it very well, I'm glad you used every single one of those words. 😊 I'm becoming more and more convinced that all emotional pain is to some extent attachment pain, and all joy is to some extent attachment joy. You've capture the polarity of the importance of people!
Beautiful! Totally resonates. I watched ‘Wonka’ last weekend and that movie fits the plot you write about so well. It was a great reminder for me of exactly this: the creative thing I work on is not what it is all really about, my people are. Thanks for this!
I think I'm more distracted by a couple of your analogies than I am clearly getting a message on this one. Frodo sort of went home but he realized he didn't fit in around the Shire anymore and ended up sailing off to that land with the elves. Also, the lemonade stand threw me for a mental loop. It is a clever analogy that alludes to summer fun and community, but I cannot help but analyze the practicality of an endeavor that costs more in time and sweat equity than one might reclaim in monetary compensation. I get that the intended ROI for your metaphorical lemonade stand is supposed to be your people and the connection with them close to home.
What I think I understand is how you are feeling good in your place with your people. I honestly think I'm not there and I am having a hard time seeing a way to that mental place. Right now, I don't see my people as a destination or as journey companions so much as a standard for gauging well being and an obligation for me to serve no matter the cost or sacrifice. I know I'm broken in my thinking on this, but it's more of a feeling than a rational thought. I believe I'm supposed to have a perspective of eternal joy, some connection that makes for bliss because of hard won connection through adversity and passing moments of joy in life. Yet, that is where I'm disjointed as I believe one thing but feel like I'm not living what I believe. It seems to me like I'm so hard pressed to take care of my people, to be something for them, I am not sure I feel so easy going and relaxed and happy at my glass door like Cole seems to feel. I feel more like I'm on the other side of that glass door. Outside where the dreams are, but not so interested in running down a prize to give to my people as much as I am just wanting to be inside with them. I do feel like I should go get some prize (like better pay and personal wellness and such things) this way I have a worthy thing to share with them. (See that word worthy is in the mix, it reminds me of all these lessons you try to share in Loveable and the other books where some stuff is clogging me up, hiding my authentic self, and shaming me.) I feel weird throwing all these thoughts out but I feel "wrong" about my perspective. It has bled into how I recieve your words today.
---Rereading my words and editing some grammar, it is apparent there are so many personal pronouns. This makes me self-conscious and wondering if I'm just too selfish in this moment of contemplation.
JC, I noticed what you did about Frodo. The fallout from his harrowing g journey and completed quest was that he no longer fit into his community. At least that's how I interpreted him sailing away with elves. Sometimes I feel as though my time is "over" as it was with the elves. But in real life, I am seeking to retain meaning and purpose and connection and not feel "ruined" for those roles. It's one reason I am here, because I don't believe feeling unfit is a healthy perspective on my life. I appreciate you sharing your struggles and I wish you well in your personal journey toward "lovableness."
JC, I think it was Anne Lamott who said that a writer writes for twenty pages to get to that third paragraph on page twenty, where she realizes what she's been needing to say all along. This feels like that: "I do feel like I should go get some prize...this way I have a worthy thing to share with them." I think oftentimes our projects are a way to earn our people's presence with us, but the truth is, we don't need to earn it, we just need to open the door and walk back inside.
Two more thoughts. First, I don't think I'm in a good place with my people so I want to make them my purpose; I think I've made my people my purpose so I'm in a good place with them. Check in again in a year and ask me if I'm still saying that!
Last but not least, because my people are my purpose, it matters less to me that you "got" this post or "liked" this post, and more that you talked with me about it. That's a lemonade stand win, even if the profit margin is miniscule. 😊
I like that you made me one of your people with your commentary. That felt nice.
My family so often is not on sync with me and as I look to connect they are unavailable and visa versa. Sometimes aa they look to connect t and I'm not available, I recognize it and make a half way or insincere attempt to connect. It's hard to get it right a lot of the time. But, I still want it. I want my people to be mine. I am interested in a connection and I'll make them my purpose, like you said. I cannot make them connect to me but I sure can do all I'm able to do to be open to connection and maybe even a little interesting to connect with at times.
I am in the throes of my second mid-life crisis, coming to terms with my dreams, fulfilled and unfulfilled, and their proper place in my life, returning to the people I love, and raising them to THEIR proper place. I appreciate this guidance along the way.
Totally resonate with this. I just love my newest mantra :) - Make your people your purpose. What is intrinsic to making your people your purpose, at least for me, is this question: am I wiling to let go of me in order to make my people my purpose? There are so many things in my gotta let go box: a bunch of you don't think my way, a pile of you hurt me, a whole bunch of grieving over my own failures, just to name a few. This week I saw a wife gently caress the face of her husband who was lying on a hospital bed after suffering a debilitating stroke. Whatever will be between them as he slowly emerges from this life smashing event, that moment told me that she has already let go. She has no expectations of my friend, her precious husband. Her purpose, as it always has been, is to love him. He is the purpose of her love. Full stop. Thank you, Kelly, for your engaging and thoughtful post.
This brought tears. "He is the purpose of her love. Full stop." It reminds me of the time Jesus observed that it's easy to love one's friends. I think he might have been saying, "When love gives you what you want from it, is it love or an exchange? But when love doesn't give you what you want, and you keep loving, now THAT is love." Inspired by your share, Carlos.
Tremble with anticipation at the dreams you want to catch...
That sounds like the message to my adult son, 26, who finally moved out today to do just that. This is the milestone every parent, especially this single parent dreams about. Now they are ALL on their own. But...So am I. I want to tremble with anticipation at new dreams. Instead i am silently trembling with fear of this necessary transition. I wrote my son out a sentimental card, saying 'create a new home worthy of your true self, and remember, we will always share a home whenever we are reunited. I believe that. My Home is everywhere I feel connected and am in co-creation with people who like me, want to create the purpose of loving...
I am excited to call this new chapter finding whatever purpose creates more Love.
"My Home is everywhere I feel connected and am in co-creation with people who like me, want to create the purpose of loving..." That is absolutely lovely, my friend!
I'm currently navigating my second mid-life crisis, and reaching this stage has been challenging. Previously, I held the belief that I would always have friends and family to connect with. However, nowadays, that's not the case, and I acknowledge my partial responsibility for the isolation I've experienced. Reflecting on my academic years, I contemplate how to make sense of my life with seemingly unattainable goals. It took me months to shift my focus towards a more career-oriented life. My parents have reached out to inform me that my friends are trying to reconnect with me online. Each time they do, I tend to brush it off because I'm unsure of what to say. It's evident that I struggle to reconnect with them. I'm not the same person I once was; I met those friends during a period of uncertainty in my life, where peer influence heavily impacted my decisions. Now, feeling more isolated, I've developed a stronger sense of self.
Despite distancing myself from everyone, including my parents, I'm open to sharing my journey with them. Earlier today, I wrote a short story that I felt proud of. When my mom checked in on me, I asked her to read the story. Surprisingly, she was engaged and even offered constructive criticism to help me improve. It made me see my mom in a new light; perhaps even those with different interests than mine can appreciate my work as long as I'm willing to open up. So maybe one day, when I reunite with my friends, I can share with them noticeable "gifts" and strengthen our bond.
Thank you for this beautiful insight.
You're welcome, Poonam, thank you for reading and for your kind words.
The people we prioritize at the beginning are not always the people we prioritize at the end. Just like you probable didn't eat the rabbit Cole brought, my first people did not accept the truths I brought back to them. I realized then I was not their people, I was a tool that they could use and discard. As upsetting as that can be, I realized I needed to discern who my people are and spend my energy there.
So true. When I think of the people who are my purpose now, most of them are people I've met in the last twenty years or so. We are not Cole's original pack, either. 😊
Ahhhh, whoop! There it is! Instead of lamenting my lost purpose from retiring, it is merely a time of change, returning to a deeper, always present Purpose. Thank you.
I missed my "Whoop! There it is's!" 😊 Yes, yes, this Purpose that was always present and there but which we took our eyes off of at some point. Hope you're well on the mountain!
Timely reminder for me. Thank you, (and Cole).
I'll give him a treat on your behalf. 😊
A huge yes, Kelly. Thanks for articulating this.
Thanks, Cheryl. If it's resonating with you, I feel I must be on the right track!
Truth for a sea of us, friend.
At the doorstep of 56, this resonates well with me. Purpose and meaning taking the passenger seat to connecting/being. I’m being drowned out as others think my mindset is wrong for business while I’m steadily connecting and hearing our clients. What is excellence anyway, if it’s not giving those in your sphere what they need versus cranking out the work for production sake (and yes there is a balance needed). What stands out: I can only authentically give what is within me to give. Thanks Kelly, for being my people! ❤️
I love this description of how you are embodying these ideas in the world. FWIW, I would have thought this mindset is "wrong," as you say, not so long ago. Keep leading, and they may discover it for themselves eventually!
This post pushs me to pursue more understanding about neuro typical vs neuro divergent. If caring about connection with our people is what it looks like for the neuro typical aging process, then what can we expect from the people in our lives who are neuro divergent?
This is an important awareness and a fantastic question, probably with lots of answers, as neurodivergence itself is not monolithic. There are actually a number of Substacks about neurodivergence, they may be worth exploring in this regard!
I wonder if this might be at the root of the loneliness monster. It doesn’t come knocking at my door very often, but I’ve noticed that it usually arises when I have something to celebrate. Having tough times alone is something most of us grown ups have mastered. They are times for quiet reflection and the occasional yell. The fabulous times, well that’s a whole different kettle of fish. Small Tah-dahs are a-okay for small wins. The medium ones, first publishing an essay on Substack, are fine celebrating with folks that aren’t right here. But the big wins, things like: “I got my Masters Degree!” Or the “I published my first book!” Are sweetest when shared with our people. Jumping up and down like crazy loons is best done with company.
I absolutely adore my people and life being what it is, some have moved across the pond and across the country, some have moved on after shedding their earthly ties, some have taken different paths.
What I’ve taken a whole mouthful of words to say is that yes, I agree. It’s all about the people.
You said it very well, I'm glad you used every single one of those words. 😊 I'm becoming more and more convinced that all emotional pain is to some extent attachment pain, and all joy is to some extent attachment joy. You've capture the polarity of the importance of people!
Thank you Kelly. Your kind words mean a lot to me.
Beautiful! Totally resonates. I watched ‘Wonka’ last weekend and that movie fits the plot you write about so well. It was a great reminder for me of exactly this: the creative thing I work on is not what it is all really about, my people are. Thanks for this!
I think I'm more distracted by a couple of your analogies than I am clearly getting a message on this one. Frodo sort of went home but he realized he didn't fit in around the Shire anymore and ended up sailing off to that land with the elves. Also, the lemonade stand threw me for a mental loop. It is a clever analogy that alludes to summer fun and community, but I cannot help but analyze the practicality of an endeavor that costs more in time and sweat equity than one might reclaim in monetary compensation. I get that the intended ROI for your metaphorical lemonade stand is supposed to be your people and the connection with them close to home.
What I think I understand is how you are feeling good in your place with your people. I honestly think I'm not there and I am having a hard time seeing a way to that mental place. Right now, I don't see my people as a destination or as journey companions so much as a standard for gauging well being and an obligation for me to serve no matter the cost or sacrifice. I know I'm broken in my thinking on this, but it's more of a feeling than a rational thought. I believe I'm supposed to have a perspective of eternal joy, some connection that makes for bliss because of hard won connection through adversity and passing moments of joy in life. Yet, that is where I'm disjointed as I believe one thing but feel like I'm not living what I believe. It seems to me like I'm so hard pressed to take care of my people, to be something for them, I am not sure I feel so easy going and relaxed and happy at my glass door like Cole seems to feel. I feel more like I'm on the other side of that glass door. Outside where the dreams are, but not so interested in running down a prize to give to my people as much as I am just wanting to be inside with them. I do feel like I should go get some prize (like better pay and personal wellness and such things) this way I have a worthy thing to share with them. (See that word worthy is in the mix, it reminds me of all these lessons you try to share in Loveable and the other books where some stuff is clogging me up, hiding my authentic self, and shaming me.) I feel weird throwing all these thoughts out but I feel "wrong" about my perspective. It has bled into how I recieve your words today.
---Rereading my words and editing some grammar, it is apparent there are so many personal pronouns. This makes me self-conscious and wondering if I'm just too selfish in this moment of contemplation.
JC, I noticed what you did about Frodo. The fallout from his harrowing g journey and completed quest was that he no longer fit into his community. At least that's how I interpreted him sailing away with elves. Sometimes I feel as though my time is "over" as it was with the elves. But in real life, I am seeking to retain meaning and purpose and connection and not feel "ruined" for those roles. It's one reason I am here, because I don't believe feeling unfit is a healthy perspective on my life. I appreciate you sharing your struggles and I wish you well in your personal journey toward "lovableness."
Brenda, your attentiveness to and encouragement of JC warms my heart. Thank you for being here in this space with us.
JC, I think it was Anne Lamott who said that a writer writes for twenty pages to get to that third paragraph on page twenty, where she realizes what she's been needing to say all along. This feels like that: "I do feel like I should go get some prize...this way I have a worthy thing to share with them." I think oftentimes our projects are a way to earn our people's presence with us, but the truth is, we don't need to earn it, we just need to open the door and walk back inside.
Two more thoughts. First, I don't think I'm in a good place with my people so I want to make them my purpose; I think I've made my people my purpose so I'm in a good place with them. Check in again in a year and ask me if I'm still saying that!
Last but not least, because my people are my purpose, it matters less to me that you "got" this post or "liked" this post, and more that you talked with me about it. That's a lemonade stand win, even if the profit margin is miniscule. 😊
I like that you made me one of your people with your commentary. That felt nice.
My family so often is not on sync with me and as I look to connect they are unavailable and visa versa. Sometimes aa they look to connect t and I'm not available, I recognize it and make a half way or insincere attempt to connect. It's hard to get it right a lot of the time. But, I still want it. I want my people to be mine. I am interested in a connection and I'll make them my purpose, like you said. I cannot make them connect to me but I sure can do all I'm able to do to be open to connection and maybe even a little interesting to connect with at times.
I really love this. Your writing is so beautiful. The best lemonade ever.
That means so much to me, Jane, thank you, and thanks for pulling off to the side of the road for this one. 😊
I am in the throes of my second mid-life crisis, coming to terms with my dreams, fulfilled and unfulfilled, and their proper place in my life, returning to the people I love, and raising them to THEIR proper place. I appreciate this guidance along the way.
You are heading in a beautiful direction, Brenda. Keep going. And thank you for sharing it with us.
Totally resonate with this. I just love my newest mantra :) - Make your people your purpose. What is intrinsic to making your people your purpose, at least for me, is this question: am I wiling to let go of me in order to make my people my purpose? There are so many things in my gotta let go box: a bunch of you don't think my way, a pile of you hurt me, a whole bunch of grieving over my own failures, just to name a few. This week I saw a wife gently caress the face of her husband who was lying on a hospital bed after suffering a debilitating stroke. Whatever will be between them as he slowly emerges from this life smashing event, that moment told me that she has already let go. She has no expectations of my friend, her precious husband. Her purpose, as it always has been, is to love him. He is the purpose of her love. Full stop. Thank you, Kelly, for your engaging and thoughtful post.
This brought tears. "He is the purpose of her love. Full stop." It reminds me of the time Jesus observed that it's easy to love one's friends. I think he might have been saying, "When love gives you what you want from it, is it love or an exchange? But when love doesn't give you what you want, and you keep loving, now THAT is love." Inspired by your share, Carlos.
Simply Awesome 🙏
Thank you, Ali. 🙏🏻
Tremble with anticipation at the dreams you want to catch...
That sounds like the message to my adult son, 26, who finally moved out today to do just that. This is the milestone every parent, especially this single parent dreams about. Now they are ALL on their own. But...So am I. I want to tremble with anticipation at new dreams. Instead i am silently trembling with fear of this necessary transition. I wrote my son out a sentimental card, saying 'create a new home worthy of your true self, and remember, we will always share a home whenever we are reunited. I believe that. My Home is everywhere I feel connected and am in co-creation with people who like me, want to create the purpose of loving...
I am excited to call this new chapter finding whatever purpose creates more Love.
"My Home is everywhere I feel connected and am in co-creation with people who like me, want to create the purpose of loving..." That is absolutely lovely, my friend!
Thank you Kelly!
I'm currently navigating my second mid-life crisis, and reaching this stage has been challenging. Previously, I held the belief that I would always have friends and family to connect with. However, nowadays, that's not the case, and I acknowledge my partial responsibility for the isolation I've experienced. Reflecting on my academic years, I contemplate how to make sense of my life with seemingly unattainable goals. It took me months to shift my focus towards a more career-oriented life. My parents have reached out to inform me that my friends are trying to reconnect with me online. Each time they do, I tend to brush it off because I'm unsure of what to say. It's evident that I struggle to reconnect with them. I'm not the same person I once was; I met those friends during a period of uncertainty in my life, where peer influence heavily impacted my decisions. Now, feeling more isolated, I've developed a stronger sense of self.
Despite distancing myself from everyone, including my parents, I'm open to sharing my journey with them. Earlier today, I wrote a short story that I felt proud of. When my mom checked in on me, I asked her to read the story. Surprisingly, she was engaged and even offered constructive criticism to help me improve. It made me see my mom in a new light; perhaps even those with different interests than mine can appreciate my work as long as I'm willing to open up. So maybe one day, when I reunite with my friends, I can share with them noticeable "gifts" and strengthen our bond.