On a Friday morning in the spring of 2012, I published my ninth blog post and then left all my devices behind for a silent retreat weekend. I returned on Sunday to discover it had gone viral. It was about why marriage is for losers.
I think I found you in 2016 while I was a cubicle rat at the Pentagon. I was in a rough space feeling kind of out of sorts and somehow in my "self help" online searches I came across your blog. I absorbed it, connected very deeply to your messaging and very much enjoyed the people who were commenting in that stratosphere. They were so accepting and non judgemental and unconcerned about what others thought other than to make sure they felt heard. I then binged everything you ever wrote that was public for me to find. So, I did read this before now but not for several years after you wrote it. I'm very grateful to have been a part of it.
Speaking of community, I know some of the folks in this group are prayerful types. I've learned not to sit alone in a trial even if its something you have to do alone. I have a major exam tomorrow morning for a career credential that I already failed once a month ago. I only need to improve my score by 7% to get through it this time. It is a big deal to me and it is important to me to help me find a new job in the next 20 days or so (I was laid off last week). I can discuss those details more another time but for now I would ask anyone who reads this to join my family and church friends who are praying for me to be what I need to be, with the strength I have to give, to do my best tomorrow. I have more to do after tomorrow, and it doesn't have to be a defining moment if I don't pass, but I REALLY want to succeed on this to give some umph to my little boy ego I'm feeling right now. I feel a strong desire to do well and believe I have enough in my head to pass that stinking test. I just need some help with calming my mind, and reducing test anxiety for about 2-3 hours tomorrow morning. - Thanks ahead of time for lending me your mental space and connecting with me over time and space in whatever gesture that might be for you.
Dude! Congrats on the additional 4%! These are trying times and anxiety is the background humming noise of our overheated CPUs. Concentrate on gratitude for what you did accomplish. It’ll help cool down the circuits. Easier said than done, of course.
Yeah. I'm fried today. Came home to look at job stuff and just "couldn't". I'm cooking a meatloaf, gonna enjoy some quiet time with my wife after the kids head out for an activity and I'll start new tomorrow.
This is the first time that I can remember reading this. The title caught my attention because it's not a statement I believe. It's only when the marriage is a competition that you have winners and losers. When marriage becomes what it was meant to be you have 2 winners. Marriage is about connection at the most intimate level. This can only happen when we embrace vulnerability with humility. Then we can become wounded healers for each other and the people around us.
George, to be honest, I think that title was a big reason it went viral in the first place. I absolutely love your application of the wounded healer concept to marriage. The goal of marriage: to become the safest possible space in which both of you can heal. Good stuff!
Ideally that may happen in some marriages when BOTH spouses feel safe and are open to sharing themselves fully and completely. Unfortunately, my 45 year marriage did not ever go that way. My husband never actually loved or respected me for who I am and I know how I have sacrificed myself for the sake of our two children and him. He may believe he made sacrifices, too, but to never be able to even communicate about his truths has been a complete frustration I have concluded is something he never intends to do WITH ME. I just try to obey God's Word and wait on his will for my life. Jesus is my only true peace, joy and love.
Excellent!! I’m earning my doctorate in community care and counseling, with focus on marriage and family. This was wonderful to read and reminded me of a lot of Gottman’s research in marriage and communication.
It’s hard to talk about marriage without touching on themes from his decades of work, isn’t it, Kimberly? Thanks for your kinds words and generous comparison, and best of luck on your studies!
The ego loves to keep score. But love is a game where the highest score is surrender. Two losers racing to out-lose each other? That’s not failure—that’s training for sainthood. Or at least for not being an insufferable prat in the kitchen. May we all clap more. And grasp less.
Seeing a marriage as a series of wins and losses is a problem in itself. A good marriage is a supportive partnership of two people who truly care for each other. I’ve had two marriages. One (8 years) was your category 2. The second (24 years and still loving each other) does not belong to any of your categories because neither of us is losing anything at all in this mutually supportive and deep understanding.
Interestingly, even revisiting your definition of ego, I don’t think that’s true. You define it as “the complex matrix of self-protections each of us began building in childhood, when being human became too painful for our souls to handle” with one manifestation being the need to win, another being arrogance.
I have done a lot of self work and have dismantled a lot of the damage but still have self-protections (crazy not to, surely) and my competitive urge is so legendary that my children don’t always want to play games with me.
My husband’s self-work has been limited, though when I drew a line and ended the relationship for a few months 12 years ago, he finally went to hypnotherapy to address some anger issues. However, he remains, one of these (to my mind) bonkers people who LOVES to have an argument (I am conflict avoidant) and will try to win at all costs, even when I can prove (with a quick Google search for example) that he is incorrect. I have learned to step away, take a deep breath, and recall the phrase “would you rather be happy or right?” Usually in a few hours he will find a concessionary position he will live with.
We are not egoless. But we recognise and accept each other’s quirks and dents. We have become a low-conflict couple due to learning about each other and caring for each other deeply as human beings. That is all. And that is why I reject your model!
I love, LOVE your posts Kelly! There’s always something that resonates; always “tools” that help me in my daily living- and I am so very grateful that you are in this world at the same time as I am! Thank you always, for sharing. 🙏❤️
I have thanked my son on more than one occasion for sending me the original. And now that he is married (5 years later), I see he internalized the lessons himself.
We ARE all on the Same Team, For Sure. Couples Therapy is tough. I love it though and wish when my ex and I were in need of the 'saving' we had had much better guidance. I am grateful to be a part of the healing, forgiving and loving I get to witness with my couples. I truly believe in the beauty and sacred grace of a satisfying marriage. It's worth the Surrender. One Day I will be lucky enough to be in one again myself. Wishing You Kelly many more years of Surrender and Egoless Love with Kelly. Wishing Everyone the Same thing with their Teammates!
The couples who work with you are so fortunate to have found you, Marilyn! What a blessing to find a helper who is doing their own inner work so they can lead the way on the journey. 🙏
JC, you may not been around for this post in March 2012, but it wasn’t long after that we connected. Thank you for being here all these years!
I think I found you in 2016 while I was a cubicle rat at the Pentagon. I was in a rough space feeling kind of out of sorts and somehow in my "self help" online searches I came across your blog. I absorbed it, connected very deeply to your messaging and very much enjoyed the people who were commenting in that stratosphere. They were so accepting and non judgemental and unconcerned about what others thought other than to make sure they felt heard. I then binged everything you ever wrote that was public for me to find. So, I did read this before now but not for several years after you wrote it. I'm very grateful to have been a part of it.
Speaking of community, I know some of the folks in this group are prayerful types. I've learned not to sit alone in a trial even if its something you have to do alone. I have a major exam tomorrow morning for a career credential that I already failed once a month ago. I only need to improve my score by 7% to get through it this time. It is a big deal to me and it is important to me to help me find a new job in the next 20 days or so (I was laid off last week). I can discuss those details more another time but for now I would ask anyone who reads this to join my family and church friends who are praying for me to be what I need to be, with the strength I have to give, to do my best tomorrow. I have more to do after tomorrow, and it doesn't have to be a defining moment if I don't pass, but I REALLY want to succeed on this to give some umph to my little boy ego I'm feeling right now. I feel a strong desire to do well and believe I have enough in my head to pass that stinking test. I just need some help with calming my mind, and reducing test anxiety for about 2-3 hours tomorrow morning. - Thanks ahead of time for lending me your mental space and connecting with me over time and space in whatever gesture that might be for you.
Praying for you, JC. Shalom.
❤
I did not pass. But I did improve my score. Perhaps I'll try one more time. I needed a 7% higher score but only increased by 4%.
Dude! Congrats on the additional 4%! These are trying times and anxiety is the background humming noise of our overheated CPUs. Concentrate on gratitude for what you did accomplish. It’ll help cool down the circuits. Easier said than done, of course.
Yeah. I'm fried today. Came home to look at job stuff and just "couldn't". I'm cooking a meatloaf, gonna enjoy some quiet time with my wife after the kids head out for an activity and I'll start new tomorrow.
Nice. I love Your taughts.
Thank you, Inga. 🙏
I truly appreciate this. It's wonderful, and I’m grateful to have it as a reference.
Laura, it makes me happy to hear it’s something you can refer back to. 😊
This is the first time that I can remember reading this. The title caught my attention because it's not a statement I believe. It's only when the marriage is a competition that you have winners and losers. When marriage becomes what it was meant to be you have 2 winners. Marriage is about connection at the most intimate level. This can only happen when we embrace vulnerability with humility. Then we can become wounded healers for each other and the people around us.
George, to be honest, I think that title was a big reason it went viral in the first place. I absolutely love your application of the wounded healer concept to marriage. The goal of marriage: to become the safest possible space in which both of you can heal. Good stuff!
Ideally that may happen in some marriages when BOTH spouses feel safe and are open to sharing themselves fully and completely. Unfortunately, my 45 year marriage did not ever go that way. My husband never actually loved or respected me for who I am and I know how I have sacrificed myself for the sake of our two children and him. He may believe he made sacrifices, too, but to never be able to even communicate about his truths has been a complete frustration I have concluded is something he never intends to do WITH ME. I just try to obey God's Word and wait on his will for my life. Jesus is my only true peace, joy and love.
Ann, this sounds incredibly painful. I’m very sorry for your situation.
It is very painful. Thanks for your empathetic response.
Well done! Thank you
Thank you, Marsha, and you’re welcome! 😊
Amen! So well said! Thank you!!!
Thank you, Dana!
I hope this goes viral again...
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t always hoping the same thing, Donna, but the social media landscape has changed just a wee bit since 2012. 😳
Excellent!! I’m earning my doctorate in community care and counseling, with focus on marriage and family. This was wonderful to read and reminded me of a lot of Gottman’s research in marriage and communication.
It’s hard to talk about marriage without touching on themes from his decades of work, isn’t it, Kimberly? Thanks for your kinds words and generous comparison, and best of luck on your studies!
Gold……worthy words right here. No “bright-siding” or “at least”. Just bring present the others feelings.
Right on, Carol!
The ego loves to keep score. But love is a game where the highest score is surrender. Two losers racing to out-lose each other? That’s not failure—that’s training for sainthood. Or at least for not being an insufferable prat in the kitchen. May we all clap more. And grasp less.
—Virgin Monk Boy
Whoop, there it is! “Love is a game where the highest score is surrender.”
Beautifully said, VMB. Also, clap more, grasp less. Yes, please!
Seeing a marriage as a series of wins and losses is a problem in itself. A good marriage is a supportive partnership of two people who truly care for each other. I’ve had two marriages. One (8 years) was your category 2. The second (24 years and still loving each other) does not belong to any of your categories because neither of us is losing anything at all in this mutually supportive and deep understanding.
I love that, Ros, somehow you two have found the sweet spot of egolessness (is that a word? 😊)!
Interestingly, even revisiting your definition of ego, I don’t think that’s true. You define it as “the complex matrix of self-protections each of us began building in childhood, when being human became too painful for our souls to handle” with one manifestation being the need to win, another being arrogance.
I have done a lot of self work and have dismantled a lot of the damage but still have self-protections (crazy not to, surely) and my competitive urge is so legendary that my children don’t always want to play games with me.
My husband’s self-work has been limited, though when I drew a line and ended the relationship for a few months 12 years ago, he finally went to hypnotherapy to address some anger issues. However, he remains, one of these (to my mind) bonkers people who LOVES to have an argument (I am conflict avoidant) and will try to win at all costs, even when I can prove (with a quick Google search for example) that he is incorrect. I have learned to step away, take a deep breath, and recall the phrase “would you rather be happy or right?” Usually in a few hours he will find a concessionary position he will live with.
We are not egoless. But we recognise and accept each other’s quirks and dents. We have become a low-conflict couple due to learning about each other and caring for each other deeply as human beings. That is all. And that is why I reject your model!
Okay. 😊
This really undermines the adage, "Can't win for losin'," which has always struck me as the saddest reaction to frustrating circumstance.
Apparently, one CAN win for losin'.
Speaking of which, I tell myself the story that the marriage I am in ranks in the most loser category around. I hope it's not just a story.
Here’s to the biggest losers, Damon!
🥂
"If we did that, maybe we’d be able to see that, really, we’re all on the same team anyway."
I love, LOVE your posts Kelly! There’s always something that resonates; always “tools” that help me in my daily living- and I am so very grateful that you are in this world at the same time as I am! Thank you always, for sharing. 🙏❤️
The feeling is mutual, Brenda!
I have thanked my son on more than one occasion for sending me the original. And now that he is married (5 years later), I see he internalized the lessons himself.
I treasure this full circle moment, Michele. I forgot Jimmy was the one who originally connected us!
We ARE all on the Same Team, For Sure. Couples Therapy is tough. I love it though and wish when my ex and I were in need of the 'saving' we had had much better guidance. I am grateful to be a part of the healing, forgiving and loving I get to witness with my couples. I truly believe in the beauty and sacred grace of a satisfying marriage. It's worth the Surrender. One Day I will be lucky enough to be in one again myself. Wishing You Kelly many more years of Surrender and Egoless Love with Kelly. Wishing Everyone the Same thing with their Teammates!
The couples who work with you are so fortunate to have found you, Marilyn! What a blessing to find a helper who is doing their own inner work so they can lead the way on the journey. 🙏
Coming from you, that means a lot to me. TYSM Kelly!