In my experience, setting boundaries with loved ones is one of the most difficult spiritual practices in life. It takes courage and lots of love to be able to speak our truth and honor ourselves when someone dear to us asks us for something we aren't available to give to them. It can trigger guilt, self doubt, a fear of being judged or rejected and so on. I appreciate your story because it shows how we can keep our hearts open to others while being loving toward ourselves. A wise friend of mine called that setting loving boundaries.
Well said, Victoria. I've been paying more attention to that moment in me when I'm setting a boundary and my heart is closing. I'm closing it to stay safe. In other words, I developed the expectation somewhere along the way that the response of others to my boundaries will be painful. More and more, in those moments, I'm trying to slow down and become curious about where I learned those lessons.
Exercise. You are one of those who do it, who have a purpose and drive behind it. I want to connect to your story, I can tell its good for the heart and all that but I'm distracted by the exercise part and how I cannot relate to it, but I wish I sort of did.
I have a handful of Nephews and Nieces and I like them all but our family is not close enough (emotionally) for any of them to ever be in the same house over night. When we do gather for the occasional family thing we stay in a hotel or something. Bottom line, I'm not close to anyone like that. I don't have these kinds of relationships. Its an awkward distance of familiarity but strangeness that separates my family on both sides as well as my wife's family on both sides. No major divides really, just nobody is super into being super close like that. Not a ton of affection floating around. Grandparents love and share love with their grandkids but all the cousins and uncles and aunts etc. are just kind of there. Ready to chat it up around a meal or something but nothing much more. My closest relative is my cousin Sam and it's only been in the last several years we've started to get a sense of closeness. He's been inviting all the family on my Mom's side out for Thanksgiving. It has been nice. Sam even called me up and we hung out for several hours when he and his mom were in town a while back. It's still a little strained but we both sense an urge to make family more important and stick it out past the oddness and just enjoy conversations.
I think I'm disappointed. Not upset really, but disappointed that things which I could have some influence over are not better than they are. I do not wish to control others but I do wish I was more of an openhearted person. I have love and kindness capabilities but I'm not one to be so willing to just open up. I talk a lot. I love talking about myself like anyone. I'm even willing as this group sees to say things that are kind of vulnerable, but I am not truly open. I don't have a best friend or any honest to goodness friends in reality. I'm not alone nor am I perfectly antisocial. I am an introvert but I have fairly skilled extroverted skills I pull out in places as part of that mask we all use to hide things. Still, I see a deficit between my connections and others' connections. The example of connection and openness others like you Kelly seem to have almost naturally feels not normal to me. I don't know how to deal with that perceived disconnect in my own life. Is it a disconnect? I do know that I'm way too fast to say no, to set a boundary and never cross it for the benefit of others. As for my wife, I have a spot for her on what I consider to be my space. I am not sure I'm so great at crossing my lines to meet her outside of my comfort but I gladly drag her into my space and hold onto her love where I am comfortable with it and cherish it. That might not be ideal either and I worry about it sometimes.
Dear JC, my heart goes out to you. I recognize this longing for deeper connection, while also feeling kind of awkward about it. I’m saying this as a socially skilled person, with enough friends and family, and a healthy enough marriage. As I get older I see how hard it actually is for me to truly connect to others. I tend to stay in my comfort zone, and retreat whenever I have something hard to work through, and then I come back when the story feels complete enough to share.
The disappointment is really the voice of deep longing, in my experience. I’ve come to know it as a good thing, reminding me to be close to my heart, even when I fear it. And to keep taking small imperfect steps outside my comfort zone, toward the people who seem to share this longing for connection. You seem to do alright, and I’m silently cheering you on!
Hear, hear. Lara, I'm touched by your encouragement of JC, and I'm reminded of Henri Nouwen, who said we are always becoming what we already are. When you can evoke Henri, that's saying something. 🙏🏻
I can see the work of openheartedness happening in you, JC, even in the writing of this post. The yearning for connection, the acceptance of how many things are out of your control in that regard, along with the awareness that the one thing you can influence is the openness of your own heart. Those are some potent ingredients, my friend.
And you may be surprised at how narrow the gap is between where I'm at and where you are. Not that long ago, I wouldn't have known how to handle that situation with my nephew without creating a lot of unnecessary suffering. After I talked to him, I texted my wife and told her she didn't need to respond, because I'd just grown up a little more. 😊
Kelly I loved, so much, this line: “But my oh my, that moment in which you open your heart and realize the relational realities weren’t your prison—the closing of your heart to them was” and it’s something I’m really leaning and living into in my life. It is always about our internal response and it always comes back to love, pure, just resonant love without the thoughts and ego attached to create anything other than loving, genuinely loving intent and attention.
Beautifully said, Lisa. It helps me to remember that the first place I can practice loving intent and attention is to my ego when it shows up despite my best efforts to be open. Love that little guy, calm him down, and then usually there's a little more spaciousness to love others.
YES! It’s the ultimate acceptance of all of the parts of ourselves as the way to true wholeness. Ego is no exception to this inclusion. I love the sentiment “calm him down” - I can totally get behind this Kelly. Validation and recognition in all the spaces of our hearts and souls first. ❤️
Your words resonate with the words written on my heart! Oh how you bring to life the Truth! It is such a simple idea, this openheartedness, right?! That is until you start “walking it out” and find it’s like shucking an oyster hard! Thank you for sharing your experiences and the wisdom you glean from them. You are such a treasure, Kelly Flanagan!! ❤️
Openheartedness is "like shucking an oyster hard." That is one of the best things I've ever heard! Thanks for being a part of forming all this, CarrieLynn. Your last words during the last Human Hour were a powerful reset for me.
Amen. Amen. Amen. It’s always a beautiful post of yours when it makes me cry at the end. Thanks to the sentiment, I will commit once again to re-opening my heart ( in spirit) to my daughter in law. Having cultivated inner trust to be able to secure my boundaries for myself, does provide the best trust that I can do it with others and still love them. It just takes constant effort, patience & practice.
I thought of you all week as I worked on this, Marilyn. I knew the openheartedness I describe here needed to honor the pain and complexity of a relational reality like yours. It means the world to me to hear that I've done so.
BTW, in hindsight, my answer to you during the Human Hour would have been much shorter. Something like, "You're intuitively doing exactly what I'm going to encourage all of us to do during the Human Hour in about six months," and I'd have invited you to give us a preview of how you're tending to yourself as you work out how to handle your situation. You're an inspiration.
This was very thought provoking, Kelly. I think about my husband's bid for connection sometimes. He loves to do art or watch videos about how to do watercolor. I love art, too, but sometimes I'm busy doing something else. I like the way you demonstrated how some turning point within both you and your nephew took place as understanding dawned. Separate but not severed. We can do individual pursuits while still understanding that connection is desired and still possible. My husband often expresses disappointment when I'm not available to do something right that moment. I always think the underlying message/belief is the issue...he needs to understand that it's just a matter of timing, not a desire to push him away. Very well written...thanks!
I really appreciate your reflection on how this applies to those moments in your marriage. I know a lot of us can relate to it. When we make a bid for togetherness and the other declines, no matter the reason, it often triggers feelings of separation, loneliness, and/or shame that often run deep and well into the past. It's not your job to rescue him from those feelings by letting go of all your boundaries. But your awareness of them will help to keep you separate but not severed!
Good morning Kelly. I think for me, this is the greatest treatise you’ve written on anything I’ve ever read of yours, and it delights me that it’s on open heartedness. There is so much Truth, challenge, acknowledgment, witness, Hope, compassion, encouragement and kindness in this piece. I found direction in it, road maps allowing my own journey to unfold, and I hope when you wrote it and were finished that you didn’t realize that it was an out of the park run, but that it was very, very satisfying to have completed and that it was Divine timing to have it channel through you. ✨⚡️💫
I have a morning practice of looking in the mirror and speaking to all aspects of my psyche: starting with I, Heather, am resolute for Love and Gratitude. I remember with easy and grace to live out of my heart-centered presence for “who am I if not Love”? Then I follow with You, Heather… She, Heather…
These last few months with your presentations have given me a different key to the road map. I am adding “open hearted and heart-centered presence”. I love the nuance because if my heart ain’t open, I can’t be in the center of it!
So this writing was for me, a Masterclass example of open heartedness that embraced loving boundaries. Your words to your nephew were impeccable; as I read them, I could feel he was being seen, heard, respected, and supported (Alice Miller’s work) and that spontaneous hug was his confirmation! I’d love for us to play with different ways of saying essentially “no” without closing our heart and still leaving Hope and Love to the recipient. Two that I have used include “that sounds like so much fun! But I won’t be able to this time“ or “that looks really good. I’d love to eat two pieces! but I’m gonna have to say no today.” or even a simple “you might be right“. Thank you again and Blessings to your day.
Mmm, thank you for your encouraging words, Heather. I receive them. When I finished it, I felt I'd written something important, and I wondered if others would see it as important as well. Thank you for your reassurance that you do.
"If my heart ain't open, I can't be in the center of it." That's pure gold!
And yes, I hope that as we continue through our Human Hour discussions about openheartedness that we can continue to generate openhearted ways of honoring ourselves and others at the same time. Perhaps a list of loving ways to say no could become a post of its own in the future!
This was very well put! Thank you for sharing the differences. I have a history of ignoring my boundaries to be more loving, and it's so helpful to learn how love others and respect my own needs - and communicate better about it.
Ellen, I like how you said that: ignoring my boundaries to be more loving. It would be an interesting openheartedness experiment to check in at any moment we're abandoning ourselves and ask, "How can I befriend myself AND be loving to others right now?" New possibilities will emerge!
Question. How does one really know if their heart is open? For instance, what if instead of working out, you're sitting on the couch watching the game and your nephew wants to play. Its an important game and an important moment in the game. Would the same thing apply? Or lets say you got up early to write this article, and your nephew wants to play?
Let's also say the person writing this comment may not have the best understanding of his emotions. So, is there a robotic, calculated process or weighting scale someone does to assess when you are being openhearted with boundaries and when you're being selfish?
Drew, welcome! I'm thrilled you joined Humaning this week, and I already feel blessed by the thoughtfulness you're bringing to this community with these questions. There are so many ways to answer them. I'm going to give you my first reactions, and then I'd invite others to weigh in with their perspective, as well.
1. An open heart is usually associated with a neutral nervous system, not one in fight-or-flight mode. It is non-defensive, which is to say it doesn't hide from, fight against, or try to control what is happening. An open heart feels its emotions rather than trying to fix them. An open heart is generally more collaborative, curious, and compassionate than a closed heart. An open heart is not better than a closed heart; it's simply more spacious, present, flexible, and attuned to both self and others. Check out last month's Human Hour replay for a keynote about noticing the earliest sign that your heart is closing.
2. A closed heart is not a selfish heart. A closed heart is a heart that doesn't feel safe in the moment. When our heart closes, we can ask ourselves, what is it about this moment that threatens me, or evokes experiences from my past in which I felt threatened?
3. A closed heart is telling you what you think you can handle in this moment. Tune into it. Explore whether or not its telling you the truth about this particular moment. Sometimes, we we'll discover there are more options than our first reaction suggested.
4. A helpful guideline for me is, will I resent not setting a boundary here? If the answer is yes, then set a boundary, try to do so as openheartedly as you can, and then be present to why that experience was triggering resentment for you.
Drew, we're all growing in our emotional intelligence together. Please feel free to keep the conversation going and we'll all grow from it!
Thank you for such a thoughtful response. I'll definitely check out last months replay.
Your description of an open heart as being neutral, non-defensive, and more spacious really resonates with me, especially as someone who often operates in a more calculated and stoic way. I’m beginning to recognize that I’m more accustomed to a closed heart; I’ve honestly prided myself on not being 'emotional' when it comes to stressors in my life, particularly when they involve people I’m close to and love. While this approach has served me well in my career, allowing me to navigate challenges effectively, I’ve realized that the closeness we as humans crave and need isn’t really there. I have many arms-length relationships but few truly close ones.
I’m curious about how one can begin to transition from a closed to an open heart, especially when the closed heart feels so familiar and, at times, protective. You mentioned being present to why an experience triggers resentment—how can someone like me, who may struggle with recognizing and understanding emotions in the moment, start to tune into these triggers and cultivate a more openhearted approach?
Additionally, are there specific practices or steps you would recommend for someone who is new to this journey of emotional awareness and openheartedness, especially in situations where the closed heart instinctively feels safer?
Drew, it sounds to me like you're in the midst of quite an awakening. It takes a lot of courage to shift in this way and to begin welcoming emotions as an invaluable part of the human experience and an essential part of human connection.
Also, the questions you're asking about process and change show that you are truly resonating with the ideas. I'd start with the watching the last two Zoom replays. It'll put openheartedness in context and then direct your attention to the very earliest moment in which your heart starts to close. It has more to do with your body than your emotions. Then, next month, we're specifically going to talk about that protective instinct and what to do with your defenses when they get triggered.
I won't forecast too much beyond that, because I've discovered that step three doesn't make much sense until you've taken step two, and so on.
Once the book is out, you'll be able to race through it on your own!
I really appreciate it and thank you for covering some things in the comments for me as a newcomer. I’ll check out the last two replays for more clarity.
This is a profound truth, one I’m learning as a mother. Thank you for giving it words!
My son is almost 3 years old and I notice every time a developmental stage triggers me, I tend to close off and become ineffective. Setting boundaries is very much needed—and a challenge for me. And there have been other examples. Whenever I notice my struggle I sit with my feelings, explore them, care for and release them. And I always find wisdom. With that the specific difficulty I had with my son disappeared, every single time.
Part of what I learned has been exactly what you write about: not to close off and harden my heart and not see him anymore, but to open up and stay connected and aware of both him and me. So hard sometimes, and so beautiful when I succeed. Thank you for helping me reconsider and consolidate this valuable insight!
My goodness, Lara, it does seem I've simply put words to the wonderful inner work you've already been doing. I really like that phrase "be aware of both him and me." That is exactly the nimbleness of heart we're talking about here.
Your son is very fortunate to have a mother doing that work so consciously! Of course, it'll be 30-40 years before he can appreciate that. 😊
What wonderful nuance on boundaries. For us codependents (oh wait, I'm not labeling myself, so make that "when I observe myself automatically responding in a codependent way), it can feel "mean" to say no. But saying no with an open heart solves that problem; there is no meanness in open-heartedness. Very helpful!
What a lovely essay Kelly. And the model you offer us by sharing what you said to your nephew is awesome. What a gift you have for making someone feel love, never withdrawing your love and yet respecting yourself equally. Those who give in to other’s agendas and wishes all the time are not doing anyone a favor.
I wish I could claim the "never" part of that, Teyani. 😊 Thank you for your kind words, though, I really appreciate it. You're right on: in the long run we don't help others by "peacefaking" instead of expressing our boundaries.
Thank you so much for putting words into this “gray” area! I have often danced in this zone or area or whatever term works- between my heart and my spirit as I navigate my daily life and I often step out wobbly because I either closed my heart or closed my spirit in the my desire to do neither of them. I find I always leave confused and resentful of myself or of the other person but this has clarified to me how to get out of he “gray” in one piece! Thank you!
I love this image of you coming out of the “gray” not wobbly, now in one piece, and at more peace. Blessings upon you as you put it into practice, Jennie!
Validating a kid’s experience and feelings makes all the difference, even if we don’t do what they ask. Wish our parents’ generation had known this. Glad we do now. Thanks for another great reminder and story Kelly!
It is sort of wild to be a part of the first generation of parents that know our kids have feelings that need to be taken seriously. It creates new challenges, and new opportunities!
In my experience, setting boundaries with loved ones is one of the most difficult spiritual practices in life. It takes courage and lots of love to be able to speak our truth and honor ourselves when someone dear to us asks us for something we aren't available to give to them. It can trigger guilt, self doubt, a fear of being judged or rejected and so on. I appreciate your story because it shows how we can keep our hearts open to others while being loving toward ourselves. A wise friend of mine called that setting loving boundaries.
Well said, Victoria. I've been paying more attention to that moment in me when I'm setting a boundary and my heart is closing. I'm closing it to stay safe. In other words, I developed the expectation somewhere along the way that the response of others to my boundaries will be painful. More and more, in those moments, I'm trying to slow down and become curious about where I learned those lessons.
Exercise. You are one of those who do it, who have a purpose and drive behind it. I want to connect to your story, I can tell its good for the heart and all that but I'm distracted by the exercise part and how I cannot relate to it, but I wish I sort of did.
I have a handful of Nephews and Nieces and I like them all but our family is not close enough (emotionally) for any of them to ever be in the same house over night. When we do gather for the occasional family thing we stay in a hotel or something. Bottom line, I'm not close to anyone like that. I don't have these kinds of relationships. Its an awkward distance of familiarity but strangeness that separates my family on both sides as well as my wife's family on both sides. No major divides really, just nobody is super into being super close like that. Not a ton of affection floating around. Grandparents love and share love with their grandkids but all the cousins and uncles and aunts etc. are just kind of there. Ready to chat it up around a meal or something but nothing much more. My closest relative is my cousin Sam and it's only been in the last several years we've started to get a sense of closeness. He's been inviting all the family on my Mom's side out for Thanksgiving. It has been nice. Sam even called me up and we hung out for several hours when he and his mom were in town a while back. It's still a little strained but we both sense an urge to make family more important and stick it out past the oddness and just enjoy conversations.
I think I'm disappointed. Not upset really, but disappointed that things which I could have some influence over are not better than they are. I do not wish to control others but I do wish I was more of an openhearted person. I have love and kindness capabilities but I'm not one to be so willing to just open up. I talk a lot. I love talking about myself like anyone. I'm even willing as this group sees to say things that are kind of vulnerable, but I am not truly open. I don't have a best friend or any honest to goodness friends in reality. I'm not alone nor am I perfectly antisocial. I am an introvert but I have fairly skilled extroverted skills I pull out in places as part of that mask we all use to hide things. Still, I see a deficit between my connections and others' connections. The example of connection and openness others like you Kelly seem to have almost naturally feels not normal to me. I don't know how to deal with that perceived disconnect in my own life. Is it a disconnect? I do know that I'm way too fast to say no, to set a boundary and never cross it for the benefit of others. As for my wife, I have a spot for her on what I consider to be my space. I am not sure I'm so great at crossing my lines to meet her outside of my comfort but I gladly drag her into my space and hold onto her love where I am comfortable with it and cherish it. That might not be ideal either and I worry about it sometimes.
Dear JC, my heart goes out to you. I recognize this longing for deeper connection, while also feeling kind of awkward about it. I’m saying this as a socially skilled person, with enough friends and family, and a healthy enough marriage. As I get older I see how hard it actually is for me to truly connect to others. I tend to stay in my comfort zone, and retreat whenever I have something hard to work through, and then I come back when the story feels complete enough to share.
The disappointment is really the voice of deep longing, in my experience. I’ve come to know it as a good thing, reminding me to be close to my heart, even when I fear it. And to keep taking small imperfect steps outside my comfort zone, toward the people who seem to share this longing for connection. You seem to do alright, and I’m silently cheering you on!
Hear, hear. Lara, I'm touched by your encouragement of JC, and I'm reminded of Henri Nouwen, who said we are always becoming what we already are. When you can evoke Henri, that's saying something. 🙏🏻
I can see the work of openheartedness happening in you, JC, even in the writing of this post. The yearning for connection, the acceptance of how many things are out of your control in that regard, along with the awareness that the one thing you can influence is the openness of your own heart. Those are some potent ingredients, my friend.
And you may be surprised at how narrow the gap is between where I'm at and where you are. Not that long ago, I wouldn't have known how to handle that situation with my nephew without creating a lot of unnecessary suffering. After I talked to him, I texted my wife and told her she didn't need to respond, because I'd just grown up a little more. 😊
Kelly I loved, so much, this line: “But my oh my, that moment in which you open your heart and realize the relational realities weren’t your prison—the closing of your heart to them was” and it’s something I’m really leaning and living into in my life. It is always about our internal response and it always comes back to love, pure, just resonant love without the thoughts and ego attached to create anything other than loving, genuinely loving intent and attention.
Beautifully said, Lisa. It helps me to remember that the first place I can practice loving intent and attention is to my ego when it shows up despite my best efforts to be open. Love that little guy, calm him down, and then usually there's a little more spaciousness to love others.
P.S. Everybody go read Lisa's Substack!
YES! It’s the ultimate acceptance of all of the parts of ourselves as the way to true wholeness. Ego is no exception to this inclusion. I love the sentiment “calm him down” - I can totally get behind this Kelly. Validation and recognition in all the spaces of our hearts and souls first. ❤️
And thank you for the shout out 🫶🏻🤩🥳
Your words resonate with the words written on my heart! Oh how you bring to life the Truth! It is such a simple idea, this openheartedness, right?! That is until you start “walking it out” and find it’s like shucking an oyster hard! Thank you for sharing your experiences and the wisdom you glean from them. You are such a treasure, Kelly Flanagan!! ❤️
Openheartedness is "like shucking an oyster hard." That is one of the best things I've ever heard! Thanks for being a part of forming all this, CarrieLynn. Your last words during the last Human Hour were a powerful reset for me.
Amen. Amen. Amen. It’s always a beautiful post of yours when it makes me cry at the end. Thanks to the sentiment, I will commit once again to re-opening my heart ( in spirit) to my daughter in law. Having cultivated inner trust to be able to secure my boundaries for myself, does provide the best trust that I can do it with others and still love them. It just takes constant effort, patience & practice.
Hearts just need to Heart. 💕☮️💕
I thought of you all week as I worked on this, Marilyn. I knew the openheartedness I describe here needed to honor the pain and complexity of a relational reality like yours. It means the world to me to hear that I've done so.
BTW, in hindsight, my answer to you during the Human Hour would have been much shorter. Something like, "You're intuitively doing exactly what I'm going to encourage all of us to do during the Human Hour in about six months," and I'd have invited you to give us a preview of how you're tending to yourself as you work out how to handle your situation. You're an inspiration.
This was very thought provoking, Kelly. I think about my husband's bid for connection sometimes. He loves to do art or watch videos about how to do watercolor. I love art, too, but sometimes I'm busy doing something else. I like the way you demonstrated how some turning point within both you and your nephew took place as understanding dawned. Separate but not severed. We can do individual pursuits while still understanding that connection is desired and still possible. My husband often expresses disappointment when I'm not available to do something right that moment. I always think the underlying message/belief is the issue...he needs to understand that it's just a matter of timing, not a desire to push him away. Very well written...thanks!
I really appreciate your reflection on how this applies to those moments in your marriage. I know a lot of us can relate to it. When we make a bid for togetherness and the other declines, no matter the reason, it often triggers feelings of separation, loneliness, and/or shame that often run deep and well into the past. It's not your job to rescue him from those feelings by letting go of all your boundaries. But your awareness of them will help to keep you separate but not severed!
So well said, Kelly. Thank you. I agree. This has been a learning process for us over the years. I really liked the way you reframed this.
Good morning Kelly. I think for me, this is the greatest treatise you’ve written on anything I’ve ever read of yours, and it delights me that it’s on open heartedness. There is so much Truth, challenge, acknowledgment, witness, Hope, compassion, encouragement and kindness in this piece. I found direction in it, road maps allowing my own journey to unfold, and I hope when you wrote it and were finished that you didn’t realize that it was an out of the park run, but that it was very, very satisfying to have completed and that it was Divine timing to have it channel through you. ✨⚡️💫
I have a morning practice of looking in the mirror and speaking to all aspects of my psyche: starting with I, Heather, am resolute for Love and Gratitude. I remember with easy and grace to live out of my heart-centered presence for “who am I if not Love”? Then I follow with You, Heather… She, Heather…
These last few months with your presentations have given me a different key to the road map. I am adding “open hearted and heart-centered presence”. I love the nuance because if my heart ain’t open, I can’t be in the center of it!
So this writing was for me, a Masterclass example of open heartedness that embraced loving boundaries. Your words to your nephew were impeccable; as I read them, I could feel he was being seen, heard, respected, and supported (Alice Miller’s work) and that spontaneous hug was his confirmation! I’d love for us to play with different ways of saying essentially “no” without closing our heart and still leaving Hope and Love to the recipient. Two that I have used include “that sounds like so much fun! But I won’t be able to this time“ or “that looks really good. I’d love to eat two pieces! but I’m gonna have to say no today.” or even a simple “you might be right“. Thank you again and Blessings to your day.
Mmm, thank you for your encouraging words, Heather. I receive them. When I finished it, I felt I'd written something important, and I wondered if others would see it as important as well. Thank you for your reassurance that you do.
"If my heart ain't open, I can't be in the center of it." That's pure gold!
And yes, I hope that as we continue through our Human Hour discussions about openheartedness that we can continue to generate openhearted ways of honoring ourselves and others at the same time. Perhaps a list of loving ways to say no could become a post of its own in the future!
***Home Run***
This was very well put! Thank you for sharing the differences. I have a history of ignoring my boundaries to be more loving, and it's so helpful to learn how love others and respect my own needs - and communicate better about it.
Ellen, I like how you said that: ignoring my boundaries to be more loving. It would be an interesting openheartedness experiment to check in at any moment we're abandoning ourselves and ask, "How can I befriend myself AND be loving to others right now?" New possibilities will emerge!
Yes! And the other thing I got from your post was "How can I honor my needs and let the other person know that they are still important to me?"
I have to make a list of these reframes!
Question. How does one really know if their heart is open? For instance, what if instead of working out, you're sitting on the couch watching the game and your nephew wants to play. Its an important game and an important moment in the game. Would the same thing apply? Or lets say you got up early to write this article, and your nephew wants to play?
Let's also say the person writing this comment may not have the best understanding of his emotions. So, is there a robotic, calculated process or weighting scale someone does to assess when you are being openhearted with boundaries and when you're being selfish?
Asking for a friend ;)
Drew, welcome! I'm thrilled you joined Humaning this week, and I already feel blessed by the thoughtfulness you're bringing to this community with these questions. There are so many ways to answer them. I'm going to give you my first reactions, and then I'd invite others to weigh in with their perspective, as well.
1. An open heart is usually associated with a neutral nervous system, not one in fight-or-flight mode. It is non-defensive, which is to say it doesn't hide from, fight against, or try to control what is happening. An open heart feels its emotions rather than trying to fix them. An open heart is generally more collaborative, curious, and compassionate than a closed heart. An open heart is not better than a closed heart; it's simply more spacious, present, flexible, and attuned to both self and others. Check out last month's Human Hour replay for a keynote about noticing the earliest sign that your heart is closing.
2. A closed heart is not a selfish heart. A closed heart is a heart that doesn't feel safe in the moment. When our heart closes, we can ask ourselves, what is it about this moment that threatens me, or evokes experiences from my past in which I felt threatened?
3. A closed heart is telling you what you think you can handle in this moment. Tune into it. Explore whether or not its telling you the truth about this particular moment. Sometimes, we we'll discover there are more options than our first reaction suggested.
4. A helpful guideline for me is, will I resent not setting a boundary here? If the answer is yes, then set a boundary, try to do so as openheartedly as you can, and then be present to why that experience was triggering resentment for you.
Drew, we're all growing in our emotional intelligence together. Please feel free to keep the conversation going and we'll all grow from it!
Another treatise chapter…just sayin’
This whole dialogue in our community is going to be so important for the book!
Thank you for such a thoughtful response. I'll definitely check out last months replay.
Your description of an open heart as being neutral, non-defensive, and more spacious really resonates with me, especially as someone who often operates in a more calculated and stoic way. I’m beginning to recognize that I’m more accustomed to a closed heart; I’ve honestly prided myself on not being 'emotional' when it comes to stressors in my life, particularly when they involve people I’m close to and love. While this approach has served me well in my career, allowing me to navigate challenges effectively, I’ve realized that the closeness we as humans crave and need isn’t really there. I have many arms-length relationships but few truly close ones.
I’m curious about how one can begin to transition from a closed to an open heart, especially when the closed heart feels so familiar and, at times, protective. You mentioned being present to why an experience triggers resentment—how can someone like me, who may struggle with recognizing and understanding emotions in the moment, start to tune into these triggers and cultivate a more openhearted approach?
Additionally, are there specific practices or steps you would recommend for someone who is new to this journey of emotional awareness and openheartedness, especially in situations where the closed heart instinctively feels safer?
Drew, it sounds to me like you're in the midst of quite an awakening. It takes a lot of courage to shift in this way and to begin welcoming emotions as an invaluable part of the human experience and an essential part of human connection.
Also, the questions you're asking about process and change show that you are truly resonating with the ideas. I'd start with the watching the last two Zoom replays. It'll put openheartedness in context and then direct your attention to the very earliest moment in which your heart starts to close. It has more to do with your body than your emotions. Then, next month, we're specifically going to talk about that protective instinct and what to do with your defenses when they get triggered.
I won't forecast too much beyond that, because I've discovered that step three doesn't make much sense until you've taken step two, and so on.
Once the book is out, you'll be able to race through it on your own!
I really appreciate it and thank you for covering some things in the comments for me as a newcomer. I’ll check out the last two replays for more clarity.
Much appreciated
This is a profound truth, one I’m learning as a mother. Thank you for giving it words!
My son is almost 3 years old and I notice every time a developmental stage triggers me, I tend to close off and become ineffective. Setting boundaries is very much needed—and a challenge for me. And there have been other examples. Whenever I notice my struggle I sit with my feelings, explore them, care for and release them. And I always find wisdom. With that the specific difficulty I had with my son disappeared, every single time.
Part of what I learned has been exactly what you write about: not to close off and harden my heart and not see him anymore, but to open up and stay connected and aware of both him and me. So hard sometimes, and so beautiful when I succeed. Thank you for helping me reconsider and consolidate this valuable insight!
My goodness, Lara, it does seem I've simply put words to the wonderful inner work you've already been doing. I really like that phrase "be aware of both him and me." That is exactly the nimbleness of heart we're talking about here.
Your son is very fortunate to have a mother doing that work so consciously! Of course, it'll be 30-40 years before he can appreciate that. 😊
What wonderful nuance on boundaries. For us codependents (oh wait, I'm not labeling myself, so make that "when I observe myself automatically responding in a codependent way), it can feel "mean" to say no. But saying no with an open heart solves that problem; there is no meanness in open-heartedness. Very helpful!
Yes! Saying no never needs to be mean. Well said, Brenda. And well done not labeling yourself! 😊
Doffing my hat to all of this, including the incredible conversational thread you have going here. Well done, sir! 🎩
Likewise, Kiki. I love this community of kind souls!
What a lovely essay Kelly. And the model you offer us by sharing what you said to your nephew is awesome. What a gift you have for making someone feel love, never withdrawing your love and yet respecting yourself equally. Those who give in to other’s agendas and wishes all the time are not doing anyone a favor.
I wish I could claim the "never" part of that, Teyani. 😊 Thank you for your kind words, though, I really appreciate it. You're right on: in the long run we don't help others by "peacefaking" instead of expressing our boundaries.
Thank you so much for putting words into this “gray” area! I have often danced in this zone or area or whatever term works- between my heart and my spirit as I navigate my daily life and I often step out wobbly because I either closed my heart or closed my spirit in the my desire to do neither of them. I find I always leave confused and resentful of myself or of the other person but this has clarified to me how to get out of he “gray” in one piece! Thank you!
I love this image of you coming out of the “gray” not wobbly, now in one piece, and at more peace. Blessings upon you as you put it into practice, Jennie!
Validating a kid’s experience and feelings makes all the difference, even if we don’t do what they ask. Wish our parents’ generation had known this. Glad we do now. Thanks for another great reminder and story Kelly!
It is sort of wild to be a part of the first generation of parents that know our kids have feelings that need to be taken seriously. It creates new challenges, and new opportunities!