"Regret is really just a way of denying our ordinariness. It’s a way of pretending we aren’t, all of us, always growing and evolving and learning. It’s a way of insisting we should be finished when, in reality, all of us are always in process."
And there goes that whole timing thing...again, Kelly!
How you explain "Grandparenting" is a lot like parenting my boys, being nearly 12 years apart. The oldest is often offended by the changes and I try to help him understand. When we know better, we can do better. To do better we must be able to accept things we've been through as they are...lessons. Everything has a reason and a purpose. When we experience difficult times it's often difficult to remember this during the process.
Some of us have a spiritual leader. Whatever that may look like for you....are we not all children of our creator? We give grace so freely to others, especially children. Yet we deny ourselves the same love and grace we give so freely. Learning never really stops, nor should it.
Some of the most important parenting opportunities often start with your child trying to shut down a conversation they don't want to have. They are clever at this, I swear they get together and study ways to outsmart or maneuver us. The most common tactic I often experienced was "I KNOW!" and possibly followed by a quick and dramatic exit from the conversation and room. When the smoke clears and all are calm, I try to gently remind them that the day they stop learning is both the smartest and stupidest day of their lives. They will never be any smarter than they are at the very moment they decide they know everything and that seems pretty stupid. It's often a reminder to myself as well. We all have room to grow. Feed yourself grace and grow.
It's a growing season over here Kelly. Thank you for this! Perfect soul food with my morning coffee.
Nicole, I've never thought of how having a large gap like that between children gives you a chance, in some ways, to be a "grandparent" to your own kids. Of course, you can't send them home to their own house when you've had enough. 😂 I love this reflection on the importance of beginner's mind and the way you both model it and communicate it to your boys. So good, thank you!
Omg… So, I’m thinking You are writing another book? We could re-read this one many times and it would be new to our eyes and ears. There is so much profound wisdom on all the pages. This resonates so deeply. I spend so many sessions with clients who have lifelong regrets. Things that they decide they can never let go. The journey never really ends,indeed. The surprising thing? Turns out, that is a comfort.
"The journey never really ends, indeed. The surprising thing? Turns out, that is a comfort." I love this. There's something so beautiful in the reversal that happens when the things we once resisted become the things we whole-heartedly embrace. Well said, as always, Marilyn!
I just wish there were more who felt the same way. That’s why this group is so awesome! And, why there is a huge need for more readable/reachable books like your new one (who shall remain temporarily nameless)
The excerpt...right in line with my current situation, even this specific week.
Sunday, I took the kids to an evening church activity. The boys jumped out and went into the house where they were having the activity. My daughter refused to leave the car. She broke down for reasons I could not get her to explain, she just stopped talking to me and I lost the whole effort to make her budge. I was upset to say the least. I took her home where her mom, my Emily, met us in the driveway. She took my daughter back to successfully get my daughter to go in and participate a little, and even return home in a good mood, and I stayed home to feel absolutely defeated and dejected. The next day my wife comes to me and lays out on the floor saying she just can't with one of my son's who is having trouble focusing on school work and being super negative about his ability to refocus. I go and find a way to work him through it and now we are here...tag teaming the whole thing really seems to have worked out for us this week. My wife really supported me several times besides in her shining moment and coming to me to tag out in that other moment. It's been a humbling and reflective week for me.
Your story lands well to encourage me not to quit. To stay the course and to offer myself a little grace as I figure it out with my amazing partner in life and eternity.
JC, this is beautiful. I appreciate the humility and trust you both showed in being able to ask for help. It suggests a great deal of safety in your marriage, for both of you, the fruit I'm sure of lots of hard work and love. Blessings upon all four of you as you support each other on this journey!
If you are doling out blessings, one more for the 5th member of our family please 🙏😉. 2 boys - 1 girl - 2 parents...lots of need for lots of blessings.
So that is a really sweet and tender reframe for me; and I think my resistance and willingness to even hold those old regrets is that I didn't/don't want to be "ordinary" I wanted to excel, be better than most, maybe even have wisdom before my time… Old soul??!
But in that brief time of reflection after you bringing it up, allows me surrender and to let those regrets go. A little humility is good for the soul, and the part of me that needed to somehow be more "special" to matter is now calmer and softer. Less edgy. That's a win!
Kelly, I loved that whole book so much. But reading this comment is really timely. I'm leading a Consciousness Cleanse class with my community and I'd like to use this passage to help them focus on where they may be holding regrets. Kudos to me--today I was having a conversation with my grown daughter and her 12 year old son. I was telling them I wished I'd pushed her a bit more athletically--but then I realized, and said, but you came out pretty great, so I guess it's okay. I really love the mercy in this idea that it's okay that we were learning and we weren't ever going to get it all perfectly. After all, then what would there be to learn? We'd be in the wrong grade!
Jane, it's amazing to hear about the mindful, practical application of it in the moment with your daughter. And I'm honored you'd want to use it in your class. Blessings upon the Consciousness Cleanse!
I truly appreciate you sharing this. I have been feeling a lot of heartache for some really hard experiences my boys went through when they were younger, wishing my husband and I had raised them somewhere else, and wishing I had been less anxious and laughed more. I realize that I can only work on what I do moving forward. I love your observation that regret is just us pretending that we’ve already learned everything we need to know. Thank you.
It's so easy to go to that place, Victoria, isn't it? I appreciate you naming the anxiety part. That was big for me when the kids were younger. The irony is that young parents are often having to raise children while also establishing their financial security (amongst other things). Probably another reason why grandparents, who are more settled, can bring a different vibe. May you stay focused on what you can do moving forward!
I missed this post, Kelly, but as soon as I read that quote, I had one of those "This feels totally new but I am also quite sure I highlighted this section in the book last year, just as soon as I got done crying" moments (which, you know... happened several times before I finished the book, dern you. ;) ) I find myself wishing I had it pop up on a reminder every month or so, because it's so true, but it's also so easy to forget. Though this is probably also a sign that it's time to read the book again!
And there goes that whole timing thing...again, Kelly!
How you explain "Grandparenting" is a lot like parenting my boys, being nearly 12 years apart. The oldest is often offended by the changes and I try to help him understand. When we know better, we can do better. To do better we must be able to accept things we've been through as they are...lessons. Everything has a reason and a purpose. When we experience difficult times it's often difficult to remember this during the process.
Some of us have a spiritual leader. Whatever that may look like for you....are we not all children of our creator? We give grace so freely to others, especially children. Yet we deny ourselves the same love and grace we give so freely. Learning never really stops, nor should it.
Some of the most important parenting opportunities often start with your child trying to shut down a conversation they don't want to have. They are clever at this, I swear they get together and study ways to outsmart or maneuver us. The most common tactic I often experienced was "I KNOW!" and possibly followed by a quick and dramatic exit from the conversation and room. When the smoke clears and all are calm, I try to gently remind them that the day they stop learning is both the smartest and stupidest day of their lives. They will never be any smarter than they are at the very moment they decide they know everything and that seems pretty stupid. It's often a reminder to myself as well. We all have room to grow. Feed yourself grace and grow.
It's a growing season over here Kelly. Thank you for this! Perfect soul food with my morning coffee.
Nicole, I've never thought of how having a large gap like that between children gives you a chance, in some ways, to be a "grandparent" to your own kids. Of course, you can't send them home to their own house when you've had enough. 😂 I love this reflection on the importance of beginner's mind and the way you both model it and communicate it to your boys. So good, thank you!
Omg… So, I’m thinking You are writing another book? We could re-read this one many times and it would be new to our eyes and ears. There is so much profound wisdom on all the pages. This resonates so deeply. I spend so many sessions with clients who have lifelong regrets. Things that they decide they can never let go. The journey never really ends,indeed. The surprising thing? Turns out, that is a comfort.
"The journey never really ends, indeed. The surprising thing? Turns out, that is a comfort." I love this. There's something so beautiful in the reversal that happens when the things we once resisted become the things we whole-heartedly embrace. Well said, as always, Marilyn!
Agreed!
I just wish there were more who felt the same way. That’s why this group is so awesome! And, why there is a huge need for more readable/reachable books like your new one (who shall remain temporarily nameless)
Ha!
The book...awesome.
The excerpt...right in line with my current situation, even this specific week.
Sunday, I took the kids to an evening church activity. The boys jumped out and went into the house where they were having the activity. My daughter refused to leave the car. She broke down for reasons I could not get her to explain, she just stopped talking to me and I lost the whole effort to make her budge. I was upset to say the least. I took her home where her mom, my Emily, met us in the driveway. She took my daughter back to successfully get my daughter to go in and participate a little, and even return home in a good mood, and I stayed home to feel absolutely defeated and dejected. The next day my wife comes to me and lays out on the floor saying she just can't with one of my son's who is having trouble focusing on school work and being super negative about his ability to refocus. I go and find a way to work him through it and now we are here...tag teaming the whole thing really seems to have worked out for us this week. My wife really supported me several times besides in her shining moment and coming to me to tag out in that other moment. It's been a humbling and reflective week for me.
Your story lands well to encourage me not to quit. To stay the course and to offer myself a little grace as I figure it out with my amazing partner in life and eternity.
JC, this is beautiful. I appreciate the humility and trust you both showed in being able to ask for help. It suggests a great deal of safety in your marriage, for both of you, the fruit I'm sure of lots of hard work and love. Blessings upon all four of you as you support each other on this journey!
If you are doling out blessings, one more for the 5th member of our family please 🙏😉. 2 boys - 1 girl - 2 parents...lots of need for lots of blessings.
Blessings + 1 indeed!
So that is a really sweet and tender reframe for me; and I think my resistance and willingness to even hold those old regrets is that I didn't/don't want to be "ordinary" I wanted to excel, be better than most, maybe even have wisdom before my time… Old soul??!
But in that brief time of reflection after you bringing it up, allows me surrender and to let those regrets go. A little humility is good for the soul, and the part of me that needed to somehow be more "special" to matter is now calmer and softer. Less edgy. That's a win!
Aaah, I can feel the relief and unburdening of that, Heather, and I can relate to it. A win indeed!
Kelly, I loved that whole book so much. But reading this comment is really timely. I'm leading a Consciousness Cleanse class with my community and I'd like to use this passage to help them focus on where they may be holding regrets. Kudos to me--today I was having a conversation with my grown daughter and her 12 year old son. I was telling them I wished I'd pushed her a bit more athletically--but then I realized, and said, but you came out pretty great, so I guess it's okay. I really love the mercy in this idea that it's okay that we were learning and we weren't ever going to get it all perfectly. After all, then what would there be to learn? We'd be in the wrong grade!
Jane, it's amazing to hear about the mindful, practical application of it in the moment with your daughter. And I'm honored you'd want to use it in your class. Blessings upon the Consciousness Cleanse!
I truly appreciate you sharing this. I have been feeling a lot of heartache for some really hard experiences my boys went through when they were younger, wishing my husband and I had raised them somewhere else, and wishing I had been less anxious and laughed more. I realize that I can only work on what I do moving forward. I love your observation that regret is just us pretending that we’ve already learned everything we need to know. Thank you.
It's so easy to go to that place, Victoria, isn't it? I appreciate you naming the anxiety part. That was big for me when the kids were younger. The irony is that young parents are often having to raise children while also establishing their financial security (amongst other things). Probably another reason why grandparents, who are more settled, can bring a different vibe. May you stay focused on what you can do moving forward!
I missed this post, Kelly, but as soon as I read that quote, I had one of those "This feels totally new but I am also quite sure I highlighted this section in the book last year, just as soon as I got done crying" moments (which, you know... happened several times before I finished the book, dern you. ;) ) I find myself wishing I had it pop up on a reminder every month or so, because it's so true, but it's also so easy to forget. Though this is probably also a sign that it's time to read the book again!
Music to an author's ears!