48 Comments

I'm wondering if how we seek togetherness has changed after COVID. People want more depth of experience and won't just show up for the same old thing. For example, I have more people coming to smaller groups in my church, but fewer are coming on Sunday morning. We now have a large online attendance, which makes the togetherness in the church feel less vibrant. As I shift to a more informal and personal style, more people have been coming, but it runs into pushback from others who like the rituals of the past. I find I have to be much more intentional to create moments of togetherness that previously would have just happened. It takes more art to create the opportunities. Some of this is good, and some of it is exhausting.

Expand full comment

I think this speaks to the fragile nature of the human psyche. We don't even know we are fragile in this way until something happens to test us. A lot of people failed the test of critical thinking and emotional resilience on this one. But, we cannot just sit and point fingers, we have to use our whole hand to reach out, maybe both arms open wide to entice folks back to something that is better for all of us. It's tough to watch others shrivel and recoil in pain from something. Weakness is irksome, scary even. We don't like it. But when we have some charity and can withstand the urge to recoil ourselves, we must then be brave enough to extend our vulnerability out to others. Some will lash out in fear of the vulnerability we offer them, but some will latch on and together we'll get stronger with them.

Expand full comment

More exhausting - one of the reasons I left the ministry after Covid. I was so exhausted trying to figure it out and make it happen that it became a mental health issue. On the flip side I have a group of ladies who have lifted me up on a weekly basis as we gather for a 2-3 hour lunch.

Expand full comment

I love this conversation amongst you all. I know a number of pastors who have been vexed by and struggled with the nature of church post-COVID. One of the ideas I've come away from those conversations with is that church is at its best not when its trying to replicate or compete with experiences that people can get out in the world, but when it's providing alternatives they can't find elsewhere. In other words, few churches can really compete with that Zach Bryan concert in terms of large group gatherings and music. But a small group where I can be seen, understood, and supported? No one got that at the United Center. Indeed, many of us can't find that anywhere. Todd, I commend you for doing the hard work it takes to create such experiences. Also, I encourage you to make sure you're being nourished by your own spaces like that!

Expand full comment

Hi Kelly, I agree with you. People are full of emptiness, an emptiness that they think is outside them, but which is actually inside them. That's why social networks are so successful.

My way of looking for togetherness is to look for what's inside me, so that I can be open and available to others. It's about starting from the inside, not the outside, because when you look outside, you're wrongly looking for fantasies

Expand full comment

This is beautiful, Rolando: togetherness around us begins with a sense of togetherness within us.

Expand full comment

Reminds me to bonhoeffer’s saying that we cannot truly be together if we cannot truly be alone and the other way around.

Expand full comment

Mmm, so good. And so true.

Expand full comment

I think diminishing innocence and desensitization from our innocence is part of the ongoing battle we fight.

As fun as TV is/was to bring us together, it has introduced a lot of ideas about why we have to separate ourselves. As bonding as it feels to connect with people at concerts and sports events, they also lead us to take on a priority of "other thinking" which often leads us to lose momentum in thinking how to connect with people who are not in "our" group that share "our" interests.

I believe your thought provocation about the beauty of humanity and the power of togetherness is accurate. I believe it is marvelous and wonderful. I've witnessed it for myself. But, it is fleeting. It is more like a sugar rush than a nourishing meal in its genuine effect. There is a difference in how I enjoy this little group versus how I enjoy a scintillating event full of sensory distractions. I walk away from time spent here and seek out my family and friends and look to share more of myself. I look up after reading one of your books and have a deeper appreciation for myself and my true feelings and I open up to my wife and my children. I think the sense of community that is truly rare and more valuable is one that puts us on to where we are, who we are, and how we are strongest together with those in our immediate circle of influence rather than connecting to strangers we may never see again. I'm not trying to dissuade anyone from having fun or having a moment of joy from some form of entertainment, but I feel like there are deeper connections being missed when the lives we live revolve around meeting the costs of togetherness that you have mentioned. I think the effort and the return on value for such expenses are actually taking away from better efforts and higher values that are best expended in proximity to where we stand.

Expand full comment

I'm right there with you, JC. There's a difference between a quick hit of togetherness like a concert and the long, slow, doing of life together togetherness which is probably best called companionship.

Expand full comment

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name

And they're always glad you came

You wanna be where you can see

Our troubles are all the same

You wanna be where everybody knows your name

At this stage in my journey I am focusing on prioritizing being together with myself. Others cannot afford to be with me, if I am not with me. Other affordable moments of togetherness: a walk with my spouse. Each Thursday we take one of the grandkids to dinner. Intentional time, one at a time, is gold for us. Sometimes a text... an email... a phone call to connect, to say I miss you, or ask, "Are you okay?" can be rich soil for togetherness.

My name is the front door to the complexity of who I was, who I am, and who I hope to be. When family and friends welcome me as I am, and when I walk through the door and step into the complexity of others... that's togetherness... and it definitely doesn't have to coast thousands of dollars. There is a price. And I sometimes I don't want to pay. Grace, humility, vulnerability is currency that, sometimes, I find hard to part with. Well... maybe more than sometimes. But, it's always is worth every penny.

Expand full comment

This hit me. All of it. Especially this: "When family and friends welcome me as I am, and when I walk through the door and step into the complexity of others... that's togetherness"

And grace, humility, and vulnerability as currency we aren't willing to part with for togetherness. Yep. I find myself wanting to read more of what you have to say about this. I'll be keeping my eye on https://versesandlines.substack.com/ 😊

Expand full comment

Thank you, Kelly. 😌

Expand full comment

Beautiful words, Carlos! You are so right about the intrinsic costs of togetherness we sometimes don’t want to pay: “Grace, humility, vulnerability.” sounds like you just found the right balance of it all ❤️

Expand full comment

Thank you, Almut!

Expand full comment

Kelly, this is such a fabulous description of how I felt the first time I went to a Doctor Who convention, and why I keep going even though it can be crazy expensive. It’s the only place where I can really be ME about this goofy thing I love (and which my family has never understood and therefore done its best to make me feel stupid or weird about) with other people who love it as much as I do.

That first time was like suddenly being at home for the first time. Everyone in the hotel was my friend even though we didn’t know each other, because we all had the same thing in common. We all speak the same language. And now I have a few good friends thanks to these events, which makes them even better. (And makes the rest of the year in between more fun, too.)

I think the real trick/question is how to recreate these moments on a smaller scale, closer to home—and more often. My family is scattered across the state (and for half the year, across the country), so I don’t get to see them very often. My friends have scattered over the last few years, too. It’s more challenging now, for sure.

Expand full comment

I've got a post idea and the title is "Be Your Weirdest You." What a blessing are these places in the world that bring together others who share our same kind of "weird." I remember the first time I went to a Front Row Dads retreat, I was like, "Oh, there you all are!" I love that Doctor Who is that for you!

Expand full comment

"Be Your Weirdest You." YEEESSSSSS!!! (Or, as the nerds say, "Let Your Freak Flag Fly"!) Can't wait to read it!

I had a moment at a con 2-3 years ago, where I pulled up my Google Sheet with all my books on my phone so I could see if anyone was selling something I didn't already have. For a second, I thought, "Boy, this is so geeky," and then immediately, "And absolutely NO ONE in this place would think it was even the slightest bit weird." Got a good chuckle out of that one. ;)

Expand full comment

Ha! That's a great story. And how have I not, before now, heard the phrase "Let your freak flag fly"??? 😂

Expand full comment

What an excellent question! 🤣 Just out of curiosity, I looked it up, and it's a much older phrase than I would have guessed (it's older than me!). It appeared in songs by Jimi Hendrix ("If 6 was 9," 1967) and David Crosby ("Almost Cut My Hair," 1970). Who knew???

Expand full comment

That's amazing, great research!

Expand full comment

This is why I like to both take and teach classes at my local art center. Yes it’s about learning something new but I could do that at home on YouTube. It’s learning together and forming bonds and friendships.

Expand full comment

Yes, I love that. You can't get the togetherness on YouTube. Blessings upon your teaching and your togetherness!

Expand full comment

This is so heartbreakingly true. I hadn’t really thought about all the asynchronous entertainment we consume (and that “Lost” finale party we hosted!).

Two “togetherness” things I love are

1) the small group from our church that my husband and I gather with almost weekly on Sunday evenings, and

2) watching Gilmore Girls with my two young adult daughters. We started GG when they were home during the pandemic and still have about 4 episodes left in the final (7th) season, but we live apart now so it’s a challenge to watch together. We recently streamed at the same time and texted our comments to each other. While I prefer being in the same room, it was the next best thing to being there.

I recently read something that mentioned this is why Halloween is such a huge holiday. It’s one of the few things people still do embodied and together.

Expand full comment

Gilmore Girls is the show my wife and daughter are watching together right now, such good mom-daughter togetherness! I admire how you are finding a way to make it work still even though you're in different spaces. And that makes so much sense about Halloween! By definition, the trick or treating happens in public so we're all in it together.

Expand full comment

Last October we did a haunted house at the art center. It was the night of Trunk or Treat. There were families all over the place downtown. Probably one of the best attended events in a long time. Our haunted house was so swamped that we stayed open after the other event was done.

Expand full comment

Love this story, thank you for sharing it, Eunice! It was warm here yesterday and one of the things it made me anticipate is the series of public events our town hosts throughout the warm spring, summer, and fall months. Gathering together is priceless!

Expand full comment

It is so true that asynchronous entertainment and information gathering, as well as personal electronic devices, have effectively torn the fabric of our togetherness. There was a time, in my hometown, where everyone was watching the same TV show. During the commercial breaks, one could literally hear all the toilets in a big housing project flush at the same time! Now that's some form of togetherness! LOL!

It is sad that togetherness is now being used as a commodity, and its rarity has made its price inelastic, demanding premium pricing. To me, the ticket prices to certain events, such as those examples you included, are simply obsene. It's like price gouging, and people willingly pay for the experience because they belong to a certain social economic class who can afford it. So, togetherness has become a privilege of the rich. That is just so wrong on so many levels!

Luckily, there are cheaper and free ways to create the togetherness experience. Competition abounds, coming primarily from the addiction to personal electronic devices,. It would take a lot of effort to break the inertia that accampanies the many activities that are done alone nowadays (including scrolling, scrolling and more scrolling).

Expand full comment

Louisa, you just brought back a childhood memory: the Bears fumble the ball and the guy down the street walks out on his back deck and screams and we know exactly what he's screaming about. 😂

As I wrote this piece, what you pointed out was the redemption I discovered in it: the awareness that there are completely free forms of togetherness, so it's available to all, but we have to be intentional about cultivating it.

Expand full comment

Ha ha, the magic of synchronicity! Thanks for sharing that funny childhood memory.

I think that you hit the nail on the head. Being intentional about cultivating togetherness is what can redeem the current trend. But I am rather pessimistic about the battle between passivity and intentionality.

One important element that the American society lacks today, is the readily available "mass" of people in a community. The urban design is car-centric, so cities and towns are spread out, with strip malls being the "landmarks." Oftentimes, there isn't a safe downtown area or townsquare for people to hang out, walk and people-watch. This type of non-intentional togetherness is also very important for our mental health, because it signals to us that we are not alone or isolated.

A personal tragedy that results from the lack of such community togetherness is that my partner simply couldn't stand that anymore, and opted for an overseas country where he can be easily surrounded by friendly and helpful people who make friends with him 100x more readily than his own countrymen. This element is so important to his own mental well-being and happiness, that our relationship (togetherness) is forced to take the second seat... so much so that we are forced to separate (because I need to stay in the U.S. to care for my elderly parent.)

Expand full comment

Louisa, you have perfectly captured why my wife and I relocated our family from suburbia to a rural town almost nine years ago. There are so many more opportunities for both intentional and serendipitous community gatherings. Both the social planning and the lack of over-programming are more conducive to togetherness. Here on Substack, Kirsten Powers has written about moving to Italy for this very reason. I'm so sorry to hear that this dynamic has resulted in the separation of your close relationship.

Expand full comment

Kelly, thank you for sharing. I'm glad things works out better for you and your wife in a rural town. It gives me a sense of hope to know communities like yours exist. I've read Kirsten's article and yes, it reflects the reasons that drove my ex-partner's decision to relocate overseas. I suspect I may not be the only one who faced such a dilemma.

Expand full comment

This made my eyes well up. Especially the part where you pointed out the goodness of the one upgraded subscription-providing you the opportunity to be in community better or differently. I also got more excited about seeing Zach Bryan this summer in KC 😂

Expand full comment

The synchronicity of that subscriber made my eyes well up too. 😊 You are going to have an amazing experience in KC this summer!

Expand full comment

You're good at riling up a positive crowd, Kelly : )

My dad had the good fortune of working in marketing for the nfl, which got us to a couple of stadiums including one super bowl in Orlando where the Giants barely beat the Bills. Every time I walk into a stadium that is full, it is a spiritual experience for me. Absolutely about some shared connection with other human beings that I do not even know.

Otherwise, these days it looks like...

Sitting around a fire in my backyard with my guy friends passing questions that matter, one at a time sharing our answers.

Dinner at Grandma's every Sunday eating authentic pho from her Vietnamese lineage.

Expand full comment

Thanks, Matthew. Trying to do my part to balance out all the negative-crowd-rilers out there right now. :)

I love the juxtaposition of your grand and simple togetherness experiences. Thank you for sharing them!

Expand full comment

I loved reading this. Togetherness is what I crave as well. For me, it explodes the joy of the experience of who we are in to a beyond wonderful words moment. And it lessens the weight of sorrow.

After the death of each of my parents, my siblings and I could sit in the deafening silence together and feel seen.

Expand full comment

"It lessens the weight of sorrow." So well said, Teyani, thank you.

Expand full comment

Walking and talking is my favorite form of togetherness! Women do this extremely well. Our wpm and mph always are in sync!

Expand full comment

Deb, when my wife goes for a walk with her friends, you can hear them talking upon their return almost a quarter of a mile away. It's a beautiful sound!

Expand full comment

Love that togetherness created in spirit by a new subscriber and you buying your girls dinner 😇

Expand full comment

I couldn't believe it later, when I realized the price of the dinner, and the minute she subscribed. 😊

Expand full comment

Dear Kelly,

Thank you for putting into words what the past 3 years have felt like.

With deep gratitude,

Expand full comment

So glad it resonated, Rodrigo. You are definitely not alone in that feeling.

Expand full comment

Love this! Togetherness is something we all need on so many concentric circles

Expand full comment

Sounds about right! When I pass other women talking - and they’re ALWAYS talking- it’s almost always about relationships.

Expand full comment