“After finding the piece, I contemplated throwing it away and hanging the puzzle without it, but that would just make me a perfectionist at being imperfect.”
There were so many insights, but this one in particular I didn’t see coming.
Embedded in this banger of an essay was “awareness”, particularly self-awareness - which your final question calls out.
My missing piece is a heightened awareness, to be up for, and alert to, what is there to transform me vs being a bit asleep and unaware of life’s teacher in front of me.
What a great question--what is the missing puzzle piece, and what am I going to do about it? That's a fantastic journaling prompt. I might scribble that in my journal to delve into more deeply when I have another quiet moment.
What struck me about what you wrote today was something you asked in your series of questions. Yesterday I commented on another post that sometimes kindness happens in the form of restraint rather than in a deliberate act of helping or compliment. It can be a negative (refraining from saying something hurtful) instead of a positive (doing a good deed). It seems to me that most of maturing in personal growth involves this artful balancing act of whether we should remain quiet or speak up, whether we should be substracting or adding to a situation. There's no panacea and always nuance.
Jeannie, this in and of itself is already a very meaningful journal reflection - thanks for letting us get to see it. 😊 Imagine if we all tuned into inaction as an act of kindness, and then intentionally did more of nothing. The world would be a more beautiful place.
I think you’re right, Kelly. Inaction IS important. I wrote a whole book about the spirituality of waiting, and it has been asking me to revisit it so that I can tweak some of the concepts I originally wrote in 2017 to incorporate some of the new insights I’ve received about the power of receptivity in our current culture.
No particular story to share as I'm constantly "playing" with a similar dilemma,
Option A or Option B and what is driving each one.
What am I avoiding by being insistent on this approach when I suspect many others would do something much simpler. Is it a need for ultimate control or an expression of compulsivity, what would happen if I go the "slack" route - would it be quicker or incomplete.
Arrgghh too many permutations.
To be further explored
Thank you 🙏 for owning this and determining what it is here to teach.
Ooh, you’ve got me thinking. What if you simplified it with a quadrant? Do A vs B on the vertical dimension, and how does the ego vs the soul relate to each action on the horizontal dimension. You might see that the ego has a stake in each action for different reasons, or one is a more soulful action than the other, etc., etc.. I might try this myself when I’m stymied!
I love this Kelly! I really resonated with the now "imperfect" car. I recently put a pretty nasty gash on the side of my car. In the past I would have rushed out to get it fixed. Maybe it's the times we are living in, maybe it's wisdom I've acrued through the years, whatever. Now, everytime I see the gash it reminds me that being perfectly IMperfect is glorious!
I also really resonated with the imperfect car. I have a very imperfect car and let it remind me often that it is okay to be okay about an imperfect car. Perfectly imperfect is Glorious!
Beautifully written post! My missing puzzle piece is trusting God to handle ALL of my affairs, not just the ones I'm willing to hand over. I'd call that puzzle piece faith. I surrender and ask God for help, and then get impatient or doubtful or wanting to control the outcome, so I take back certain parts of a situation. This sets me up for delay and not the best outcome. When I have faith, the outcome typically feels miraculous! Still a work in progress, but I am, slowly but surely, trusting a little more each day.
Context: I’ve been job hunting the last couple months after a layoff. More news rolled in along the way that’s pivoted what I thought I’d go after, in a couple significant ways. I’ve been trying to roll with it.
I’ve been recognizing and letting go of my superstitions that there’s a Right Answer in all of this, or that it’s on me to know or find it. Another writer I enjoy recently posited that we’re here to have experiences, and learn to navigate them with grace and ease, and see how they change us, and try to learn to be better humans, kinder and more empathetic and more joyful and more feeling and more loving, along the way. Your post brings that back, and compresses it into a word: transformation.
Lots of superstitions. Lots of no right answers, just the one I pick. Pretty hilarious for someone who does, in fact, say that there’s not a right answer for most things, just the one you decide to live with. (But hey, I want a bit of certainty as much as the next person.)
Looking at life not as a constant failure to get it right, but as a lot of episodes and themes to be experienced, is a bit of a letdown and a bit of a relief. No getting it right means no getting it wrong. But trying to embrace it as both an opportunity for presence and an opportunity for transformation seems worthwhile.
Julie, I’m so glad to hear this arrived at the right time for you. I can relate to what you say about imagining there are right answers to create a sense of certainty. It puts us in control, but then it’s a fragile sense of control because it’s often predicated on a fabrication. Blessings upon your uncertain but transformational job search!
I laughed out loud at the part where you considered throwing away the found puzzle piece just to maintain the imperfect narrative. I can totally see myself doing something like that! I once spent hours trying to assemble IKEA furniture, only to realize I'd put one piece in backwards at the very beginning. Instead of fixing it, I considered just leaving it that way, as a testament to my own stubbornness. It's funny how we cling to these self-imposed narratives, even when they're completely ridiculous. Your honesty about your own perfectionistic tendencies is so refreshing. It makes me feel less alone in my own struggles.
Glad that brought a smile, Alex! 😊 As I read your comment, I’m aware of how much energy we put into creating and maintaining stories about ourselves. That’s something I’m going to be aware of. What will be the alternative in those moments, I wonder?
I have had a week that started with the puzzle starting to come into place and ended with a blown up puzzle with pieces all over. I appreciate the tools you have given us to not only start again, but also to sit in the pieces for a while. When I first read Chapter one of “The Inner Gathering,” I was in a pile of pieces. Looking back at the journey from there to here, the marked difference is peace (piece) in the process.
Gayla, I’m so glad the first chapter of The Inner Gathering met you where you’re at. It strikes me that in the space of a week you’ve gone through the entire process discussed in last week’s post. In Rohr’s words: order, disorder, reorder. What a week, and what strength you’ve shown to live it so intentionally. 🙏
Wow. As I read your car incident, I was taken back to a similar one in Randy Pausch's Last Lecture chapter. He did the exact same thing and did not fix his car for the same reason. Not everything needs to be fixed. My thoughts about the missing puzzle piece...Did you see Alex Edelman's Emmy winning comedy special? It is Brilliant. I hope you check it out if you have not and tell me what you think about a missing puzzle piece there?
So that is my missing piece. The difficult trust in the way things are 'as is' in God's world. Right now. For Me. That I am here, now. Not because I didnt fix everything the right way, but because It is Right for me to be Here. (that is way harder than it seems to leave that alone)
Marilyn, I was given Randy’s book years ago and I’ve still never read it. I’ll put it back on the stack, along with Alex Edelman’s special. I love your focus on being fully present to where you’re at, rather than second-guessing it by wondering if you should have done something different to be somewhere else. The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second best time is today. The same is true of openheartedness. Be open to today, it’s the best way to be.
How much more your wive has given you than transformation with that brilliant suggestion - which I liked (and smiled) the moment I read it - she inspired your newsletter and now this post is doing its own thing further :)
With all the big events going on I admit I thought I might not read Kelly’s article. But even with all going on - his point is fundamental. All the events we don’t like or don’t choose - they are transformational and beneficial if we see how to navigate them, even in grief or other pain. That’s my missing piece - the reminder that instead of exact goal or expectation - that what arrives is part of the puzzle and the puzzle will always remain in part exactly that - a puzzle not to be preferred or fully understood but a puzzle that can be known, ‘solved’ even if in glimpses , in complete.
I appreciate so much your willingness to open up to the now, even though it’s not the now you’d wish for. That is a powerful move. It makes you more present for solving the puzzle we’re all trying to complete together. 🙏
I love the thought that “not everything in life is there to grow you”. It brings to mind the old joke about “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar” (good Ol’ Freud)
I’ve often wondered what creates a sense of perfectionism is a person. It’s not sometime that is among my current list of foibles. My Dad was very severe about this tho.
For years I have chewed on the possibility that “perfection” is just another limit… it implies a place beyond which we can never improve. The best is simply “the best” (?). Doesn’t that sound kinda boring? 😎
Love this reflection on perfectionism, Teyani. Here’s where I’m at with it: perfection is a fictional finish line where I don’t have to feel vulnerable anymore. So, for me, perfection is the opposite of vulnerability.
What an insightful read! I'm particularly drawn to, "The transformational path is oftentimes the path you both desire and deplore." We often want results but dread the process. For me, it's been about changing my view of discomfort from something to avoid to a sign that I'm truly living. When discomfort creeps in, I tell myself, "This is what progress feels like." You beautifully demonstrated the power of self-awareness.
I think I'm missing a few pieces to the puzzle of my life. But maybe I'm not. I don't know for sure. I am not sure I want to hang my life up on display either. That's a tough call. Perhaps I need some more time to work on the puzzle to decide later.
Love hearing from you, JC. For what it’s worth, I’ve found it most often helpful to assume all the puzzle pieces are there and I just need to figure out how to arrange them. 😊
Perfectionism often disguises itself as “doing the right thing”—but sometimes, growth comes not from solving the problem, but from sitting with it. Acceptance isn’t quitting; it’s a different kind of strength.
One new idea:
The notion that life doesn’t demand the right path, but instead invites the transformational path hit me hard. That subtle shift in framing changes how I view decisions—not as moral tests, but as opportunities for growth.
One idea I need to digest:
That not every situation in life needs to become a lesson. As someone who’s wired to find meaning in everything (often too quickly), I’ll be chewing on that idea for a while. Maybe some moments are just… moments.
Beautifully written and deeply reflective, as always, Dr. Flanagan.
Thank you for the deep engagement and thorough analysis, Matt. That’s super gratifying as the author. Would love to hear more about how this all impacts things over time for you!
Thank YOU, Dr. Flanagan. Funny you should ask. Your article was no small factor in my decision to publish this post that I have been sitting on (in various forms) for years. Again, thank YOU. https://beyondplatitudes.substack.com/p/i-write-because?r=2ldy4w
Well, dang. "I write to keep the boundary clear—between who I am and who I perform." Anyone who inspires me to write what I was hesitating to write next gets an instant subscribe from me. Looking forward to following your work, Matt!
This is a genius insight Kelly:
“After finding the piece, I contemplated throwing it away and hanging the puzzle without it, but that would just make me a perfectionist at being imperfect.”
There were so many insights, but this one in particular I didn’t see coming.
Embedded in this banger of an essay was “awareness”, particularly self-awareness - which your final question calls out.
My missing piece is a heightened awareness, to be up for, and alert to, what is there to transform me vs being a bit asleep and unaware of life’s teacher in front of me.
Thank you. 🙏
James, as someone who has heightened my awareness with his writing, I’m glad to reciprocate a little here. 🙏
Such a beautiful story Kelly! You're a true philosopher ✨🧡✨
Thank you for your kind words, Kate!
Kelly,
What a great question--what is the missing puzzle piece, and what am I going to do about it? That's a fantastic journaling prompt. I might scribble that in my journal to delve into more deeply when I have another quiet moment.
What struck me about what you wrote today was something you asked in your series of questions. Yesterday I commented on another post that sometimes kindness happens in the form of restraint rather than in a deliberate act of helping or compliment. It can be a negative (refraining from saying something hurtful) instead of a positive (doing a good deed). It seems to me that most of maturing in personal growth involves this artful balancing act of whether we should remain quiet or speak up, whether we should be substracting or adding to a situation. There's no panacea and always nuance.
Jeannie, this in and of itself is already a very meaningful journal reflection - thanks for letting us get to see it. 😊 Imagine if we all tuned into inaction as an act of kindness, and then intentionally did more of nothing. The world would be a more beautiful place.
I think you’re right, Kelly. Inaction IS important. I wrote a whole book about the spirituality of waiting, and it has been asking me to revisit it so that I can tweak some of the concepts I originally wrote in 2017 to incorporate some of the new insights I’ve received about the power of receptivity in our current culture.
Title and purchase link, please, Jeannie!
I can just send you a copy, Kelly. DM me your address, please. :)
Thank you, Jeannie, doing that now!
Received and will send soon!
I salute you Sir Kelly,
No particular story to share as I'm constantly "playing" with a similar dilemma,
Option A or Option B and what is driving each one.
What am I avoiding by being insistent on this approach when I suspect many others would do something much simpler. Is it a need for ultimate control or an expression of compulsivity, what would happen if I go the "slack" route - would it be quicker or incomplete.
Arrgghh too many permutations.
To be further explored
Thank you 🙏 for owning this and determining what it is here to teach.
Ooh, you’ve got me thinking. What if you simplified it with a quadrant? Do A vs B on the vertical dimension, and how does the ego vs the soul relate to each action on the horizontal dimension. You might see that the ego has a stake in each action for different reasons, or one is a more soulful action than the other, etc., etc.. I might try this myself when I’m stymied!
Seriously, did you think of this on the spur of the moment or have you explored this idea before?
I like it and have made a note to try it on my next conundrum.
Thank you
Ha! Spur of the moment, though I admittedly see much of life through that soul/ego dyad. :)
I love this Kelly! I really resonated with the now "imperfect" car. I recently put a pretty nasty gash on the side of my car. In the past I would have rushed out to get it fixed. Maybe it's the times we are living in, maybe it's wisdom I've acrued through the years, whatever. Now, everytime I see the gash it reminds me that being perfectly IMperfect is glorious!
Great to connect with another recovering perfectionist, Stephanie! 😊 Blessing to you and your gash!
What a fun conversation!
I also really resonated with the imperfect car. I have a very imperfect car and let it remind me often that it is okay to be okay about an imperfect car. Perfectly imperfect is Glorious!
Glorious, indeed, Cathy! 😊
Yes Cathy and all Recovering Perfectionists!
Beautifully written post! My missing puzzle piece is trusting God to handle ALL of my affairs, not just the ones I'm willing to hand over. I'd call that puzzle piece faith. I surrender and ask God for help, and then get impatient or doubtful or wanting to control the outcome, so I take back certain parts of a situation. This sets me up for delay and not the best outcome. When I have faith, the outcome typically feels miraculous! Still a work in progress, but I am, slowly but surely, trusting a little more each day.
Truly a lifelong work in progress, Victoria. What a blessing are the days when we find that missing piece of faith. 🙏
Yes, indeed!
Holy smokes, Kelly. What wonderful coinciding.
Context: I’ve been job hunting the last couple months after a layoff. More news rolled in along the way that’s pivoted what I thought I’d go after, in a couple significant ways. I’ve been trying to roll with it.
I’ve been recognizing and letting go of my superstitions that there’s a Right Answer in all of this, or that it’s on me to know or find it. Another writer I enjoy recently posited that we’re here to have experiences, and learn to navigate them with grace and ease, and see how they change us, and try to learn to be better humans, kinder and more empathetic and more joyful and more feeling and more loving, along the way. Your post brings that back, and compresses it into a word: transformation.
Lots of superstitions. Lots of no right answers, just the one I pick. Pretty hilarious for someone who does, in fact, say that there’s not a right answer for most things, just the one you decide to live with. (But hey, I want a bit of certainty as much as the next person.)
Looking at life not as a constant failure to get it right, but as a lot of episodes and themes to be experienced, is a bit of a letdown and a bit of a relief. No getting it right means no getting it wrong. But trying to embrace it as both an opportunity for presence and an opportunity for transformation seems worthwhile.
Thanks, again.
Julie, I’m so glad to hear this arrived at the right time for you. I can relate to what you say about imagining there are right answers to create a sense of certainty. It puts us in control, but then it’s a fragile sense of control because it’s often predicated on a fabrication. Blessings upon your uncertain but transformational job search!
Thank you, Kelly ❤️
I laughed out loud at the part where you considered throwing away the found puzzle piece just to maintain the imperfect narrative. I can totally see myself doing something like that! I once spent hours trying to assemble IKEA furniture, only to realize I'd put one piece in backwards at the very beginning. Instead of fixing it, I considered just leaving it that way, as a testament to my own stubbornness. It's funny how we cling to these self-imposed narratives, even when they're completely ridiculous. Your honesty about your own perfectionistic tendencies is so refreshing. It makes me feel less alone in my own struggles.
Glad that brought a smile, Alex! 😊 As I read your comment, I’m aware of how much energy we put into creating and maintaining stories about ourselves. That’s something I’m going to be aware of. What will be the alternative in those moments, I wonder?
I have had a week that started with the puzzle starting to come into place and ended with a blown up puzzle with pieces all over. I appreciate the tools you have given us to not only start again, but also to sit in the pieces for a while. When I first read Chapter one of “The Inner Gathering,” I was in a pile of pieces. Looking back at the journey from there to here, the marked difference is peace (piece) in the process.
Gayla, I’m so glad the first chapter of The Inner Gathering met you where you’re at. It strikes me that in the space of a week you’ve gone through the entire process discussed in last week’s post. In Rohr’s words: order, disorder, reorder. What a week, and what strength you’ve shown to live it so intentionally. 🙏
Wow. As I read your car incident, I was taken back to a similar one in Randy Pausch's Last Lecture chapter. He did the exact same thing and did not fix his car for the same reason. Not everything needs to be fixed. My thoughts about the missing puzzle piece...Did you see Alex Edelman's Emmy winning comedy special? It is Brilliant. I hope you check it out if you have not and tell me what you think about a missing puzzle piece there?
So that is my missing piece. The difficult trust in the way things are 'as is' in God's world. Right now. For Me. That I am here, now. Not because I didnt fix everything the right way, but because It is Right for me to be Here. (that is way harder than it seems to leave that alone)
Marilyn, I was given Randy’s book years ago and I’ve still never read it. I’ll put it back on the stack, along with Alex Edelman’s special. I love your focus on being fully present to where you’re at, rather than second-guessing it by wondering if you should have done something different to be somewhere else. The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second best time is today. The same is true of openheartedness. Be open to today, it’s the best way to be.
You’re Sooo right Kelly, the second best time IS today!
How much more your wive has given you than transformation with that brilliant suggestion - which I liked (and smiled) the moment I read it - she inspired your newsletter and now this post is doing its own thing further :)
I appreciate you honoring her in that way, Klara - I shudder at the man I’d be without her pushback! 😊
With all the big events going on I admit I thought I might not read Kelly’s article. But even with all going on - his point is fundamental. All the events we don’t like or don’t choose - they are transformational and beneficial if we see how to navigate them, even in grief or other pain. That’s my missing piece - the reminder that instead of exact goal or expectation - that what arrives is part of the puzzle and the puzzle will always remain in part exactly that - a puzzle not to be preferred or fully understood but a puzzle that can be known, ‘solved’ even if in glimpses , in complete.
I appreciate so much your willingness to open up to the now, even though it’s not the now you’d wish for. That is a powerful move. It makes you more present for solving the puzzle we’re all trying to complete together. 🙏
I love the thought that “not everything in life is there to grow you”. It brings to mind the old joke about “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar” (good Ol’ Freud)
I’ve often wondered what creates a sense of perfectionism is a person. It’s not sometime that is among my current list of foibles. My Dad was very severe about this tho.
For years I have chewed on the possibility that “perfection” is just another limit… it implies a place beyond which we can never improve. The best is simply “the best” (?). Doesn’t that sound kinda boring? 😎
Love this reflection on perfectionism, Teyani. Here’s where I’m at with it: perfection is a fictional finish line where I don’t have to feel vulnerable anymore. So, for me, perfection is the opposite of vulnerability.
What an insightful read! I'm particularly drawn to, "The transformational path is oftentimes the path you both desire and deplore." We often want results but dread the process. For me, it's been about changing my view of discomfort from something to avoid to a sign that I'm truly living. When discomfort creeps in, I tell myself, "This is what progress feels like." You beautifully demonstrated the power of self-awareness.
Discomfort = “this is what progress feels like.” That’s a gem, Beth, thank you too for sharing of your self-awareness!
I'm happy to be part of this conversation!
I think I'm missing a few pieces to the puzzle of my life. But maybe I'm not. I don't know for sure. I am not sure I want to hang my life up on display either. That's a tough call. Perhaps I need some more time to work on the puzzle to decide later.
Love hearing from you, JC. For what it’s worth, I’ve found it most often helpful to assume all the puzzle pieces are there and I just need to figure out how to arrange them. 😊
One takeaway:
Perfectionism often disguises itself as “doing the right thing”—but sometimes, growth comes not from solving the problem, but from sitting with it. Acceptance isn’t quitting; it’s a different kind of strength.
One new idea:
The notion that life doesn’t demand the right path, but instead invites the transformational path hit me hard. That subtle shift in framing changes how I view decisions—not as moral tests, but as opportunities for growth.
One idea I need to digest:
That not every situation in life needs to become a lesson. As someone who’s wired to find meaning in everything (often too quickly), I’ll be chewing on that idea for a while. Maybe some moments are just… moments.
Beautifully written and deeply reflective, as always, Dr. Flanagan.
Thank you for the deep engagement and thorough analysis, Matt. That’s super gratifying as the author. Would love to hear more about how this all impacts things over time for you!
Thank YOU, Dr. Flanagan. Funny you should ask. Your article was no small factor in my decision to publish this post that I have been sitting on (in various forms) for years. Again, thank YOU. https://beyondplatitudes.substack.com/p/i-write-because?r=2ldy4w
Well, dang. "I write to keep the boundary clear—between who I am and who I perform." Anyone who inspires me to write what I was hesitating to write next gets an instant subscribe from me. Looking forward to following your work, Matt!