Yes, you have beautifully captured the paradox. The ego feels like it needs to reach out and grab the next thing. The soul scans the horizon trusting what will arrive next. Thank you for this, Teyani!
Kelly, is it OK if I’m disappointed with you. We all know the timely gifts of All your previous books so I have no doubt this new creation will come together co-authored by your ego, heart and soul in some unforeseen way. You have been the only therapist & author I know that has the ability to strengthen his message by being authentic and completely transparent.
Until then, I hope you re-read a post a very wise person sent out last week about the human condition. Namaste.
I happen to have had Lovable in my hands lately- rereading parts of it. In these times of post pandemic, climate, and world political changes -I write and wonder what circumstances bring to bear which authors’ voices become heard. In a market that looks for numbers how does one balance that with (risk for) quality and value. Yes the soul not ego is the guide - it brings riches - maybe even more unimagined. Thank you thus far for your past words into the world - substack, book, blog.
Thank you so much for this post today (yesterday?) I'm confused! I so very much needed to hear it (read it today) as things have been so very hectic. I needed the reminder to listen more to my soul than to my ego as my ego has been going to town in a lot of things lately.
I am also disappointed in that you didn't get to keep going with your new book. I LOVE your writing and your thought process. It's just so wholesome and down to earth and really helpful. It's not just theory that doesn't make sense. Thank you again for risking putting yourself out there and for sharing your wisdom. I really appreciate it and you! Blessings.
I wanted to be clever and write out EGO vs Soul comments but it broke my brain and my heart kind of hurts because I don't listen to it really well these days.
I have done a lot of following my heart in my life. It's how I married Emily and why I'm in my career that I'm in, and the less than logical heart path is evident in the view looking back over that zig-zaggy road I've taken up this mountain of a life. There are insane straight shots with dangerous slopes and some wild switchbacks that seem to go down more than up at times. All part of following my heart here and there.
Why am I so me? What is it about me that is so not what I want me to be? Where do I figure out how to be me and like it?
I like who I am enough to not want to be someone else...even in my various jealousies and envies of others, I only envision me as I am, in a way, having or doing what others have and do. I don't imagine some other version of me. I just don't seem to like moving and doing stuff with conviction enough to get after some of those things that I think I want. It feels so weird in my heart because I have these crazy dichotomous feelings. I am selfless enough to always do something for others and it becomes an excuse not to look after myself, yet I'm also selfish enough that even though I neglect me a bit to kind of be there for others, I'm not doing so great at the stuff that is "helping" others. Why can't I just be selfish enough to really take care of me and not think of others at all, then flip a switch and be selfless enough to really bring a lot to the table for others I serve. As it stands I'm a jack of all trades in selfish and selfless endeavors, but a master of none. It creates a strong sense of mediocrity in me.
I can see you writing your way to greater clarity about this dynamic within you. First thought: what were you taught about selfishness as a child? And what if there is no dichotomy to master, because selfishness and selflessness don’t exist so clearly in nature?
What if we do all the selfless things we do so people will be happy with us, and admire us, and so we’ll get into heaven, and all those things, so it’s really selfish? And what if some of the things that impact the world best are exactly what we want to do and therefore feel very selfish?
I think of Howard Thurman’s great quote: “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
I can come back at you and say it's all semantics. But if it were not for semantics then what meaning would we have in any of the words we use to communicate. Let me stab at answering questions:
1. I was taught it is selfish to take food without asking...to have what I want at the expense of others getting to have it when it comes to certain things that are typically shared items like food. Also I was taught that we all chip in to help around the house, nobody is above doing any of the cleaning or other work that needs done to keep a tidy home. To partially tie this in with the "non-existing dichotomy" theory I was also taught to dream big for my future outcomes. Mom said she always wanted a house on a hill. She got a nice little rancher on a hill, that's it. She told me if I want more I have to think of and go after more. Dad taught me to get things done sooner rather than later. He hesitated or lollygagged about his education and career and told me if I get educated to knock it out fast and not prolong that part of my progress. So in that sense I have "ambition". I would not place ambition squarely in the selfish category right away but I do not deny that there are ambitions that squarely lie in a realm of selfishness that is detrimental to others.
2. No dichotomy to master? Well if the lines are so fuzzy then there is something that needs to be clarified. Running around with fuzzy ideas, unclear boundaries, and limited scope on what is right and what is wrong gets very dangerous in my opinion. I would even say it is safer to be a little mistaken on where you draw your lines if they are slightly short of what could have been had you pushed the boundary a little further. That of course is what I might label as the "no-man's land" between clarity of correct and righteous behavior and the other side of distinctly incorrect and unrighteous behavior. That fuzzy area is scary because if you are not careful you can find yourself in "enemy" territory. With a gospel oriented perspective I can say that faith and purposeful thinking to be in line with the greater good is paramount here. I do believe the border of righteousness has allowances for things out there in no-man's land. How else can people break through perceived barriers to grow and learn and do with God what they otherwise never could have done on their own? Still, the nature of God working with us in our weakness and perfectly guiding us to where we need to be as we stumble and squint at that gray space between selfishness and selflessness is not something to me that erases the dichotomy. It just clarifies how the dichotomy functions. In my Christian faith Jesus is considered perfect. He executed an entire human life without a single misstep and not one decision was a mistake or a slip up for him. That is no small thing. It is a known parameter that he grew in stature as well as character line upon line, precept upon precept which in human perspective means learning by experimentation and likely learning from mistakes or perhaps hardships brought on by other peoples mistakes. Because we don't know if Jesus misinterpreted a few things or did not know some things in his toddler days or as a child if he "struggled" with something like any child might do in terms of succumbing to a temptation we have to take the 3 years of his adulthood we have on record at face value and consider where God might have provided the perfect path for Jesus to follow in his own human frailties, which he at least did without wavering. It's a leap of faith to have those ponderings and continue to believe in his sacrifice as one of perfection for the sake of my imperfection.
I do like the "come alive" quote and I think it is pure enough a context to accept as a partial truth. Being "alive" and in a positive space for one's self is a great way to open your heart to being kind and generous with others. If you have "nothing" to give because you cannot feel full, it makes it harder to give at all and surely what you give will not have a certain quality to it. BUT, I would counter the idea with this in the Book of Mormon - Mosiah 2:17 "...when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God."
Even when you are "empty", especially when you are drained of self worth, filled with self doubt, and weary with pain and loathing, if you give all of yourself over to serving others you will gain a power, a renewal, a perspective that changes your very state from that of misery to gratitude and even joy. - "John 15:13 Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." Sure death is on the table in this commentary but so too is living ones life and giving it that way. In this sense there is still a dichotomy of selfishness and selflessness. I would say that being selfish is the mental state of one who is unconcerned about others, unbothered by the idea or even the results of the thing you want cutting off a benefit for others or even being harmful or hurtful to others. It is not selfish to want to help so you can feel good about yourself. It's not even unethical because as you learn what it takes to give the best kind of help it will transform you. Up front, you may just want a pat on the back and a gratification of being "above" others who don't help, but as you continue to try to help you have to do more, be more, give more. At some point the gratification of accolades will run its course, nothing will satisfy you as it once did and at that point you will have a decision to make. You will either have to stop helping and quit your gratification addiction cold turkey and live in a completely selfish way where you help nobody at all, or you will have to find some other substitute for the feelings of gratification while conducting the service you conduct. You might have to undergo a change of heart, but that change as it happens will open you up to a whole other kind of gratification. It will become the gratification shared by those who receive help and feel gratitude for it. As they are enlightened, you too will feel of their joy and their happiness will now translate into your happiness. You will seek that out and it will become much more gratifying than any of your previously selfish endeavors doing the same thing for "yourself". Immediately I look at the sacrifice and work of parenting. If a father is proud of his child for having accomplished things and is happy with his child then one might try to say the father selfishly took "credit" for that happiness but when it comes to the shared experience of one who sacrifices and the one who with gratitude receives that sacrifice the "amount" of happiness is limitless and thus cannot be unfairly distributed. Love increases in depth and breadth so much so that it can be shared and will feel like a full portion to anyone who is sharing it. It will not feel like a finite thing, a singular portion, or a tiny fragment. It will feel like you got the whole serving plate to yourself for every person sharing in that experience. This applies in the larger eternal scale for Jesus, as we are considered joint heirs with him. "Romans 8:17 And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together." I think of Eternal glory like a buffet table. We are invited to the feast and no matter when our invitation comes, as long as we accept it then we get to enjoy the feast. Accepting it requires some qualifications but not impossible stuff like being perfect because Jesus earned that glory for himself (by giving all of himself for us). Some will meet the qualifications with a lot more effort than others but if the feast is so large and every dish regenerates infinitely then there is no limitation to the offering of the feast that would make the recipients unfairly compensated for their efforts to qualify.
Being selfless is part of that mixture in my mind. I have to lose myself in order to gain my whole self as it states in scripture. Matthew 10:39 "He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it." I cannot be a whole and complete version of me if I do not give myself to others. I cannot selfishly keep to myself an expect to feel or be whole.
JC, if you aren't keeping a journal, you need to start! I used to write journal entries like this on a regular basis, which turned into blogging, which turned into books. You have a lot in there, may it all see the light of day.
Your reflection reminds me of that great Frederick Buechner quote, “You can survive on your own; you can grow strong on your own; you can prevail on your own; but you cannot become human on your own.” Add selflessness to the list. You can't become selfless on your own.
For whatever reason, as I read through your comment, the book "Falling Upward" by Richard Rohr came to mind. You might enjoy it!
I appreciate your example of reflection between what is ego and what is soul. It's been a while since I read Loveable, but I feel like you introduced this concept in that book. Does one of your books focus on the practice, or mindfulness of doing that? If not, I think that's another book you should write.
The comparison I am most curious about is "EGO: If you say and do all the right things, your wife will be happy with you." I'm always amazed at the difference between how men and women think. I would like to understand what would drive a man's ego to think this way, if you feel like sharing?
Yes, Christy, I explored these concepts in Loveable, and I'm currently working on a book that will deal with the practicalities of living with these different parts of us. It's called Openhearted. Release date early 2026.
And what a great question. My first, half-joking answer is: how could you not think that way? 😂
Second answer is, traditionally, men have been trained more in doing over being, and women have been trained more in being over doing. So, when men seek connection they resort to what they have been trained in: I will do for you and then our relationship will be okay, right?
I feel like a whole book could be written on this, but that's the first thing that comes to mind!
Thank you for that perspective. Is it training? When I "do" side by side activities with my husband, he seems happy and satisfied and thinks we are in a good place. But it's not fulfilling for me, my cup is empty and I feel resentment. How can I train myself to be blissfully happy and find fulfillment in the doing? He seems incapable of caring about the things that are fulfilling to me so it's up to me to find fulfillment from God. And, being thankful for positive things even if they don't meet my deepest needs. At least that's the message I keep hearing, and I'm trying to make peace with it.
EGO: I wish I was more like Kelly Flanagan. SOUL: You are fine just the way you are.
YES. That’s it. I appreciate your presence here so much, Todd, just the way you are! 😊
EGO: I should have responded quicker so I could have written this witty comment first.
SOUL: It’s amazing to enjoy the different giftedness of Kelly, Todd and me.
Ahhh, yes. Love this awareness, Deb! 😊
Blessings in this in between time, and in the quiet.
Thank you, Mary. The chocolate was good. The movie was better. I’m going to go for that walk now. 😊
I’m loving this Kelly. The soul is so much wiser, and sitting in the quiet, while it is more challenging to our egos, will bring better answers.
Something new is arriving. Can you feel it?
Yes, you have beautifully captured the paradox. The ego feels like it needs to reach out and grab the next thing. The soul scans the horizon trusting what will arrive next. Thank you for this, Teyani!
Love this perspective for letting all of us shine through...AND...being clear who's driving the bus. Thanks for a great read, Kelly.
Thank you, Gladys, and you're welcome!
Kelly, is it OK if I’m disappointed with you. We all know the timely gifts of All your previous books so I have no doubt this new creation will come together co-authored by your ego, heart and soul in some unforeseen way. You have been the only therapist & author I know that has the ability to strengthen his message by being authentic and completely transparent.
Until then, I hope you re-read a post a very wise person sent out last week about the human condition. Namaste.
It's nice to have someone feeling the disappointment with me, Marilyn. 😊 And thank you for your encouraging words, I take them to heart.
Life I s hard. Life is beautiful. Thanks for the reminder to be truly present, to stop trying to be someone else and start just being.
Glad that theme resonated with you, Ben. Just start being, indeed.
Hi Kelly,
I happen to have had Lovable in my hands lately- rereading parts of it. In these times of post pandemic, climate, and world political changes -I write and wonder what circumstances bring to bear which authors’ voices become heard. In a market that looks for numbers how does one balance that with (risk for) quality and value. Yes the soul not ego is the guide - it brings riches - maybe even more unimagined. Thank you thus far for your past words into the world - substack, book, blog.
And thank YOU for reading those words, and sharing these words with me. Deeply grateful. 😊
Hi Kelly,
Thank you so much for this post today (yesterday?) I'm confused! I so very much needed to hear it (read it today) as things have been so very hectic. I needed the reminder to listen more to my soul than to my ego as my ego has been going to town in a lot of things lately.
I am also disappointed in that you didn't get to keep going with your new book. I LOVE your writing and your thought process. It's just so wholesome and down to earth and really helpful. It's not just theory that doesn't make sense. Thank you again for risking putting yourself out there and for sharing your wisdom. I really appreciate it and you! Blessings.
Yes, the ego is very chatty! It’s got lots of things it thinks it should do! 😂 May you tune into that soul of yours, Jenny.
And no worries, I’m not stopping on this book. “No” isn’t a stop sign, it’s a detour sign. 😊
I can't help but notice (and love!) that your SOUL is talking in mostly the language of gratitude, while the EGO is not.
Tim, thank you for noticing. It’s reassuring to see that theme, and I hadn’t seen it.
EGO: they don’t like me!? What? But they don’t understand! I never said/meant THAT! How did they get me so wrong?
SOUL: what anyone thinks of us is none of our business. As much as kindness is true, it can still be misunderstood. Let’s keep being kind.
Kindness can be misunderstood. Yes! Well said as always, Heather!
It's like that scene from the movie Adaptation. I love this perspective.
Your writing calms me down. I believe that's because you write to calm yourself down and I get to come along that journey.
It's both a pleasure to read, and a good reminder for me to write for myself a little bit more!
You’re on to me. 😊 I’m so glad to hear it calms you down too and is an encouragement to write!
I wanted to be clever and write out EGO vs Soul comments but it broke my brain and my heart kind of hurts because I don't listen to it really well these days.
I have done a lot of following my heart in my life. It's how I married Emily and why I'm in my career that I'm in, and the less than logical heart path is evident in the view looking back over that zig-zaggy road I've taken up this mountain of a life. There are insane straight shots with dangerous slopes and some wild switchbacks that seem to go down more than up at times. All part of following my heart here and there.
Why am I so me? What is it about me that is so not what I want me to be? Where do I figure out how to be me and like it?
I like who I am enough to not want to be someone else...even in my various jealousies and envies of others, I only envision me as I am, in a way, having or doing what others have and do. I don't imagine some other version of me. I just don't seem to like moving and doing stuff with conviction enough to get after some of those things that I think I want. It feels so weird in my heart because I have these crazy dichotomous feelings. I am selfless enough to always do something for others and it becomes an excuse not to look after myself, yet I'm also selfish enough that even though I neglect me a bit to kind of be there for others, I'm not doing so great at the stuff that is "helping" others. Why can't I just be selfish enough to really take care of me and not think of others at all, then flip a switch and be selfless enough to really bring a lot to the table for others I serve. As it stands I'm a jack of all trades in selfish and selfless endeavors, but a master of none. It creates a strong sense of mediocrity in me.
I can see you writing your way to greater clarity about this dynamic within you. First thought: what were you taught about selfishness as a child? And what if there is no dichotomy to master, because selfishness and selflessness don’t exist so clearly in nature?
What if we do all the selfless things we do so people will be happy with us, and admire us, and so we’ll get into heaven, and all those things, so it’s really selfish? And what if some of the things that impact the world best are exactly what we want to do and therefore feel very selfish?
I think of Howard Thurman’s great quote: “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
I can come back at you and say it's all semantics. But if it were not for semantics then what meaning would we have in any of the words we use to communicate. Let me stab at answering questions:
1. I was taught it is selfish to take food without asking...to have what I want at the expense of others getting to have it when it comes to certain things that are typically shared items like food. Also I was taught that we all chip in to help around the house, nobody is above doing any of the cleaning or other work that needs done to keep a tidy home. To partially tie this in with the "non-existing dichotomy" theory I was also taught to dream big for my future outcomes. Mom said she always wanted a house on a hill. She got a nice little rancher on a hill, that's it. She told me if I want more I have to think of and go after more. Dad taught me to get things done sooner rather than later. He hesitated or lollygagged about his education and career and told me if I get educated to knock it out fast and not prolong that part of my progress. So in that sense I have "ambition". I would not place ambition squarely in the selfish category right away but I do not deny that there are ambitions that squarely lie in a realm of selfishness that is detrimental to others.
2. No dichotomy to master? Well if the lines are so fuzzy then there is something that needs to be clarified. Running around with fuzzy ideas, unclear boundaries, and limited scope on what is right and what is wrong gets very dangerous in my opinion. I would even say it is safer to be a little mistaken on where you draw your lines if they are slightly short of what could have been had you pushed the boundary a little further. That of course is what I might label as the "no-man's land" between clarity of correct and righteous behavior and the other side of distinctly incorrect and unrighteous behavior. That fuzzy area is scary because if you are not careful you can find yourself in "enemy" territory. With a gospel oriented perspective I can say that faith and purposeful thinking to be in line with the greater good is paramount here. I do believe the border of righteousness has allowances for things out there in no-man's land. How else can people break through perceived barriers to grow and learn and do with God what they otherwise never could have done on their own? Still, the nature of God working with us in our weakness and perfectly guiding us to where we need to be as we stumble and squint at that gray space between selfishness and selflessness is not something to me that erases the dichotomy. It just clarifies how the dichotomy functions. In my Christian faith Jesus is considered perfect. He executed an entire human life without a single misstep and not one decision was a mistake or a slip up for him. That is no small thing. It is a known parameter that he grew in stature as well as character line upon line, precept upon precept which in human perspective means learning by experimentation and likely learning from mistakes or perhaps hardships brought on by other peoples mistakes. Because we don't know if Jesus misinterpreted a few things or did not know some things in his toddler days or as a child if he "struggled" with something like any child might do in terms of succumbing to a temptation we have to take the 3 years of his adulthood we have on record at face value and consider where God might have provided the perfect path for Jesus to follow in his own human frailties, which he at least did without wavering. It's a leap of faith to have those ponderings and continue to believe in his sacrifice as one of perfection for the sake of my imperfection.
I do like the "come alive" quote and I think it is pure enough a context to accept as a partial truth. Being "alive" and in a positive space for one's self is a great way to open your heart to being kind and generous with others. If you have "nothing" to give because you cannot feel full, it makes it harder to give at all and surely what you give will not have a certain quality to it. BUT, I would counter the idea with this in the Book of Mormon - Mosiah 2:17 "...when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God."
Even when you are "empty", especially when you are drained of self worth, filled with self doubt, and weary with pain and loathing, if you give all of yourself over to serving others you will gain a power, a renewal, a perspective that changes your very state from that of misery to gratitude and even joy. - "John 15:13 Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." Sure death is on the table in this commentary but so too is living ones life and giving it that way. In this sense there is still a dichotomy of selfishness and selflessness. I would say that being selfish is the mental state of one who is unconcerned about others, unbothered by the idea or even the results of the thing you want cutting off a benefit for others or even being harmful or hurtful to others. It is not selfish to want to help so you can feel good about yourself. It's not even unethical because as you learn what it takes to give the best kind of help it will transform you. Up front, you may just want a pat on the back and a gratification of being "above" others who don't help, but as you continue to try to help you have to do more, be more, give more. At some point the gratification of accolades will run its course, nothing will satisfy you as it once did and at that point you will have a decision to make. You will either have to stop helping and quit your gratification addiction cold turkey and live in a completely selfish way where you help nobody at all, or you will have to find some other substitute for the feelings of gratification while conducting the service you conduct. You might have to undergo a change of heart, but that change as it happens will open you up to a whole other kind of gratification. It will become the gratification shared by those who receive help and feel gratitude for it. As they are enlightened, you too will feel of their joy and their happiness will now translate into your happiness. You will seek that out and it will become much more gratifying than any of your previously selfish endeavors doing the same thing for "yourself". Immediately I look at the sacrifice and work of parenting. If a father is proud of his child for having accomplished things and is happy with his child then one might try to say the father selfishly took "credit" for that happiness but when it comes to the shared experience of one who sacrifices and the one who with gratitude receives that sacrifice the "amount" of happiness is limitless and thus cannot be unfairly distributed. Love increases in depth and breadth so much so that it can be shared and will feel like a full portion to anyone who is sharing it. It will not feel like a finite thing, a singular portion, or a tiny fragment. It will feel like you got the whole serving plate to yourself for every person sharing in that experience. This applies in the larger eternal scale for Jesus, as we are considered joint heirs with him. "Romans 8:17 And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together." I think of Eternal glory like a buffet table. We are invited to the feast and no matter when our invitation comes, as long as we accept it then we get to enjoy the feast. Accepting it requires some qualifications but not impossible stuff like being perfect because Jesus earned that glory for himself (by giving all of himself for us). Some will meet the qualifications with a lot more effort than others but if the feast is so large and every dish regenerates infinitely then there is no limitation to the offering of the feast that would make the recipients unfairly compensated for their efforts to qualify.
Being selfless is part of that mixture in my mind. I have to lose myself in order to gain my whole self as it states in scripture. Matthew 10:39 "He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it." I cannot be a whole and complete version of me if I do not give myself to others. I cannot selfishly keep to myself an expect to feel or be whole.
JC, if you aren't keeping a journal, you need to start! I used to write journal entries like this on a regular basis, which turned into blogging, which turned into books. You have a lot in there, may it all see the light of day.
Your reflection reminds me of that great Frederick Buechner quote, “You can survive on your own; you can grow strong on your own; you can prevail on your own; but you cannot become human on your own.” Add selflessness to the list. You can't become selfless on your own.
For whatever reason, as I read through your comment, the book "Falling Upward" by Richard Rohr came to mind. You might enjoy it!
I appreciate your example of reflection between what is ego and what is soul. It's been a while since I read Loveable, but I feel like you introduced this concept in that book. Does one of your books focus on the practice, or mindfulness of doing that? If not, I think that's another book you should write.
The comparison I am most curious about is "EGO: If you say and do all the right things, your wife will be happy with you." I'm always amazed at the difference between how men and women think. I would like to understand what would drive a man's ego to think this way, if you feel like sharing?
Yes, Christy, I explored these concepts in Loveable, and I'm currently working on a book that will deal with the practicalities of living with these different parts of us. It's called Openhearted. Release date early 2026.
And what a great question. My first, half-joking answer is: how could you not think that way? 😂
Second answer is, traditionally, men have been trained more in doing over being, and women have been trained more in being over doing. So, when men seek connection they resort to what they have been trained in: I will do for you and then our relationship will be okay, right?
I feel like a whole book could be written on this, but that's the first thing that comes to mind!
Thank you for that perspective. Is it training? When I "do" side by side activities with my husband, he seems happy and satisfied and thinks we are in a good place. But it's not fulfilling for me, my cup is empty and I feel resentment. How can I train myself to be blissfully happy and find fulfillment in the doing? He seems incapable of caring about the things that are fulfilling to me so it's up to me to find fulfillment from God. And, being thankful for positive things even if they don't meet my deepest needs. At least that's the message I keep hearing, and I'm trying to make peace with it.
Openhearted, yes! I look forward to it!
May I ask what first introduced you to the idea of ego vs soul?