We tend to "should all over ourselves." However, when we try to eliminate our harsh inner critic, we often make the problem worse. Thankfully, there's another way to be okay.
“Now I know those are ways I close my heart to the moment, trying to control it rather than simply connecting with it. So, instead, I open my heart to what is.”
Until about twenty years ago I was shoulding all over myself for exactly the reasons you describe. It was then I discovered a transformational practice that changed everything for me. It was to replace the S with a C. Should to Could.
Should, as you say was sourced from shame, and was connected to the past.
Could, on the other hand, was connected to the present and sourced from the agency of who we are today.
Every time I caught myself thinking or saying should, I replaced it with could. The result was feeling empowered. I could. Or I could not.
Like timshel, (thou mayest) in East of Eden. I may. Or I may not.
Could, nails me to the present, and brings forth gratitude for who I am now, and the choice I can now make.
Should to Could is brilliant. Emily pointed out there's a should hidden in the parenting wisdom I shared. I'm going to change it to could.
And East of Eden may be my favorite book of all time. I remember turning to the last page, wondering how it could ever end in a satisfying way in such a short space. Then..."Timshel!"
Thanks for sharing yet another point of connection, and such helpful wisdom, James!
Kelly—East of Eden is my favorite book, too. It was my first experience of slowing down a read to make it last and to savor it, even though I was so enthralled that I wanted to read it faster.
Thank you again for such a compelling and thought-provoking piece today.
Yes, that's it. I can't think of a better measure of when a book has got you. You start to slow down and become fully present to every word, hoping it will go on forever.
Hah! I laughed because I use that saying too! Should-ing on oneself is just nasty. When I think about it, it feels like just another form of guilt tripping. And guilt is somebody else’s shoulds!
Guilt and shame ought to be erased from our dictionaries. They are useless feelings to wear, and they don’t even belong to us in the first place. If I find myself in the should or guilt trip gutter I softly laugh at myself and say hey.. that’s not my voice, not my feelings, not my thought and I don’t have to listen. Those thoughts and feelings are always what somebody or some outside pressure wants us to feel, so harumph! I don’t do it.
The quesetion is, did you french roll the bottom of those button flys???
Kidding aside, thank you for this post.
I've been spending a lot of time considering how to allow myself to grow and eveolve without using subtle forms of shame and judgment as the catalyst for that growth. And this post is a timely reminder of how to do that.
DUDE! (Said in my best Bill & Ted's voice.) Here's the line that I cut from that paragraph. "He also tight-rolled those jeans, only to arrive at school to discover that trend died over the summer." I feel thoroughly seen by you. 😂
You inspire me to grow without needing shame-fuel, too, Mike!
Kelly, your article is a mirror reflecting the "shoulds" that haunt so many of us. It's like the "Me Too" movement of the inner critic – suddenly, we're all nodding along, realizing we've been silently battling the same shame-fueled shoulds. Your story about lunch with your daughter (and your inner freshman) is a beautiful reminder that these shoulds often stem from our most vulnerable selves. Thank you for giving us permission to embrace those parts with a veggie sandwich and a side of compassion.
I can definitely relate to this, Kelly, and I agree, sitting with your "shoulds" is the only way through them. I tend to think of them as toddlers (which is often just what they are!), who need attention and will keep saying, "mom, mom, mom," until I notice them. The "should" in "we make the mistake of parenting our kids to survive our childhood, when we should be parenting them to thrive in their childhood" did get me, as my childhood was a doozy, and I absolutely didn't want my kids to grow up navigating what I did. So I sat with the should in this and found some release. Thanks again.
Oh my goodness, I didn't even notice the "should" in that bit of parenting wisdom! They're everywhere. Thanks for engaging this post so thoughtfully, Emily!
It's a beautiful and painful stage of life, launching kids, isn't it? Time feels so precious right now. Meanwhile, all your own unresolved adolescent issues are getting triggered by them. Parenting well is not for the faint of heart!
Kelly, so touching article, thank you. For me should feels like coming external. Want feels internal and with me. I would sit with the shoulds to review them and invite some of them to become Wants in alignment with my values and my inner world.
Oh, Kelly. I loved this so much. Gym shorts and hoodie - the kid made it!
"At the last Front Row Dads retreat, someone said: we make the mistake of parenting our kids to survive our childhood, when we should be parenting them to thrive in their childhood."
"we make the mistake of parenting our kids to survive our childhood, when we could be parenting them to thrive in their childhood." This is all of it, so we'll put.
I often use the phrase "stop shoulding all over yourself" because so many times they are other people's shoulds for us. Let go of those shoulds, send love to your younger self who's doing the best they could, and be the parent you wish you had. If I can do all of these things, it's a pretty good day.
Kelly, this is beautiful:
“Now I know those are ways I close my heart to the moment, trying to control it rather than simply connecting with it. So, instead, I open my heart to what is.”
Until about twenty years ago I was shoulding all over myself for exactly the reasons you describe. It was then I discovered a transformational practice that changed everything for me. It was to replace the S with a C. Should to Could.
Should, as you say was sourced from shame, and was connected to the past.
Could, on the other hand, was connected to the present and sourced from the agency of who we are today.
Every time I caught myself thinking or saying should, I replaced it with could. The result was feeling empowered. I could. Or I could not.
Like timshel, (thou mayest) in East of Eden. I may. Or I may not.
Could, nails me to the present, and brings forth gratitude for who I am now, and the choice I can now make.
(Thanks for reading this far!)
Should to Could is brilliant. Emily pointed out there's a should hidden in the parenting wisdom I shared. I'm going to change it to could.
And East of Eden may be my favorite book of all time. I remember turning to the last page, wondering how it could ever end in a satisfying way in such a short space. Then..."Timshel!"
Thanks for sharing yet another point of connection, and such helpful wisdom, James!
Kelly—East of Eden is my favorite book, too. It was my first experience of slowing down a read to make it last and to savor it, even though I was so enthralled that I wanted to read it faster.
Thank you again for such a compelling and thought-provoking piece today.
Yes, that's it. I can't think of a better measure of when a book has got you. You start to slow down and become fully present to every word, hoping it will go on forever.
Hah! I laughed because I use that saying too! Should-ing on oneself is just nasty. When I think about it, it feels like just another form of guilt tripping. And guilt is somebody else’s shoulds!
Guilt and shame ought to be erased from our dictionaries. They are useless feelings to wear, and they don’t even belong to us in the first place. If I find myself in the should or guilt trip gutter I softly laugh at myself and say hey.. that’s not my voice, not my feelings, not my thought and I don’t have to listen. Those thoughts and feelings are always what somebody or some outside pressure wants us to feel, so harumph! I don’t do it.
I like the idea of laughing. It's light. It's soft. It's open. It has a different energy than the heaviness of the shame!
It’s not one of my loud snort-laughs of course, it’s more of a soft chuckle.. and a there it goes again.. you don’t need to check out that path..
I totally get the nature of that laugh. The words that go along with it in my head are something like, "Oh my gosh, you are adorable, but no."
The quesetion is, did you french roll the bottom of those button flys???
Kidding aside, thank you for this post.
I've been spending a lot of time considering how to allow myself to grow and eveolve without using subtle forms of shame and judgment as the catalyst for that growth. And this post is a timely reminder of how to do that.
DUDE! (Said in my best Bill & Ted's voice.) Here's the line that I cut from that paragraph. "He also tight-rolled those jeans, only to arrive at school to discover that trend died over the summer." I feel thoroughly seen by you. 😂
You inspire me to grow without needing shame-fuel, too, Mike!
Kelly, your article is a mirror reflecting the "shoulds" that haunt so many of us. It's like the "Me Too" movement of the inner critic – suddenly, we're all nodding along, realizing we've been silently battling the same shame-fueled shoulds. Your story about lunch with your daughter (and your inner freshman) is a beautiful reminder that these shoulds often stem from our most vulnerable selves. Thank you for giving us permission to embrace those parts with a veggie sandwich and a side of compassion.
And a side of compassion. You made me smile, and for that I thank you, Alexander. Great to connect with you in this space!
I can definitely relate to this, Kelly, and I agree, sitting with your "shoulds" is the only way through them. I tend to think of them as toddlers (which is often just what they are!), who need attention and will keep saying, "mom, mom, mom," until I notice them. The "should" in "we make the mistake of parenting our kids to survive our childhood, when we should be parenting them to thrive in their childhood" did get me, as my childhood was a doozy, and I absolutely didn't want my kids to grow up navigating what I did. So I sat with the should in this and found some release. Thanks again.
Oh my goodness, I didn't even notice the "should" in that bit of parenting wisdom! They're everywhere. Thanks for engaging this post so thoughtfully, Emily!
Yep, ah well, gives us practice.
I love this beautiful piece and am struggling with similar issues as our two oldest depart for college and one 15 almost 16 still at home.
It's a beautiful and painful stage of life, launching kids, isn't it? Time feels so precious right now. Meanwhile, all your own unresolved adolescent issues are getting triggered by them. Parenting well is not for the faint of heart!
Kelly, so touching article, thank you. For me should feels like coming external. Want feels internal and with me. I would sit with the shoulds to review them and invite some of them to become Wants in alignment with my values and my inner world.
Yes, exactly this, Diana. Our should could be a very useful roadmap back to our deepest wants, if we take the time to examine them. So good.
Oh, Kelly. I loved this so much. Gym shorts and hoodie - the kid made it!
"At the last Front Row Dads retreat, someone said: we make the mistake of parenting our kids to survive our childhood, when we should be parenting them to thrive in their childhood."
"we make the mistake of parenting our kids to survive our childhood, when we could be parenting them to thrive in their childhood." This is all of it, so we'll put.
I often use the phrase "stop shoulding all over yourself" because so many times they are other people's shoulds for us. Let go of those shoulds, send love to your younger self who's doing the best they could, and be the parent you wish you had. If I can do all of these things, it's a pretty good day.