52 Comments
Oct 30Liked by Kelly Flanagan

One-up, one-down game—either/or in endless overtime

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Ah yes, exiting the game of dualism and entering into the freedom of non-dualism. What an incredible relief. Good for you, Rhonda!

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Thank you for this article! I feel free, relieved! It was exactly the message I needed right now (when I was doing my own Letter from Love practice with the demons question and I was just realizing that each "demon" also a positive and empowering message had and things may not be as it seems to be). Thank you! I will stop searching myself and start spending time with me, now that I'm here and there is no game to play. Only a life to create with beauty and love! Thank you!

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Whoa! "I will stop searching myself and start spending time with me." That is profound, and profoundly freeing, Tudo. Thank you for sharing of yourself in that way!

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Oct 30Liked by Kelly Flanagan

I recently lead a clergy workshop on dealing with not being enough. The main idea I was working with was that our work requires us to let go of being enough. Our vocation is to teach people a spiritual path, letting go of ego, so a higher wisdom works in our lives. I got pushback from a few that this was a path to mediocrity. Our congregations need us to claim our calling and pursue excellence to save the church. In answering this pushback, I realized that my best work is done when my ego is laid down and I make space for someone else to wrestle, grow and change. Nobody needs my advice, just my presence to hold open the space for transformative work. Some got it and some just looked at me incomprehensibly. Thanks Kelly, still working on getting rid of the games.

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Oct 30Liked by Kelly Flanagan

“Nobody needs my advice, just my presence to hold open the space for transformative work”. Yes, your words are important, but then your supportive silence and kind listening is when others have time with themselves and their minds and their hearts to do the work.

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My heart delights when I see one community member responding to and affirming another. Thank you, Mary.

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Yes. The ego believes it is the only fuel for our calling, and it is indeed fuel, albeit the least sustainable fuel.

The pushback you got brings to mind a quote I heard recently. Not sure where it originated. "The right answer at the wrong time is the wrong answer." It raises the question of how to speak about soulfulness to those who still believe their ego is all of who they are.

Also, the epiphany you had about your own calling reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Henri Nouwen. Here it is in case you haven't come across it before: "Care is something other than cure. Cure means 'change.' A doctor, a lawyer, a minister, a social worker-they all want to use their professional skills to bring about changes in people's lives. They get paid for whatever kind of cure they can bring about. But cure, desirable as it may be, can easily become violent, manipulative, and even destructive if it does not grow out of care. Care is being with, crying out with, suffering with, feeling with. Care is compassion. It is claiming the truth that the other person is my brother or sister, human, mortal, vulnerable, like I am. When care is our first concern, cure can be received as a gift. Often we are not able to cure, but we are always able to care. To care is to be human."

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Oct 31Liked by Kelly Flanagan

Yes, care not cure. We have a lay visitor team called Befriends, and this is one of their four principles. Care not cure, nonjudgmental listening, active listening and know that God is always present.

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"Nobody needs my advice, just my presence to hold open the space for transformative work." Beautifully said, Todd.

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Oct 31Liked by Kelly Flanagan

So relatable! It can be quite hard to bump into this stubborn idea in church that pushing harder and giving it more effort will save us. And then, when you no longer believe this, it can be quite difficult to find ways to communicate with those who still do.

‘I realized that my best work is done when my ego is laid down and I make space for someone else to wrestle, grow and change.’ Good on you for your patient work!

It reminds me of the image of throwing pearls to the swines in Matthew, which clearly is useless and doesn’t bring about growth. Instead, the suggestion is: ask, seek and knock. Curiosity for the other, asking genuine questions, getting to know them, and leaving little crumbs of light. This is how I interpret it. It helps me navigate these things. Maybe it helps you too.

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Oct 31Liked by Kelly Flanagan

Great comment, Lara. Working harder will not save us.

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Todd, amongst all the comments on this post, yours has eceived the most engagement. I hope you receive that as affirmation that the "stillness" you are exercising as you help people is actually a very powerful form of action, especially within a church that has begun to forget such power.

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Oct 30Liked by Kelly Flanagan

“… my butterflies are the butterflies of someone in a search party, looking for a self that was never lost to begin with.”

What strikes me about this line, other than its sublime allusion, is how many ways a reader could interpret it.

Even within the context of non-dualism, the way I tend view matters.

1. Because there never was a self to find, and who do those butterflies belong to again?

2. But also because the self was never one thing in the first place.

3. And finally, yes because it’s all part of this present this-ness, mostly a story we’re telling.

That’s nothing to say of the rest of the piece, which is a lovely reflection. Thank you.

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Wow. Yes. I suppose that's what makes for a good parable: it allows the reader to enter into its meaning at whatever level they are prepared to enter into it. Storytelling does that; exposition can't. I appreciate your affirmation of this story's ability to teach, and I'm grateful for your perspective as always, Damon!

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Oct 30Liked by Kelly Flanagan

Keep it comin', Kelly! Good stuff.

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I have been in a rut for about two weeks now. Wondering why or how or if my story is important. I keep losing and finding myself over and over again, at least that’s how it feels. Like my brain forgets and then something comes along to remind me.

Your piece is my reminder, that I am exactly who I have always been, no finding necessary.

I don’t need to play the game any more of hide and seek.

Thanks friend 🩵 Appreciate your words of wisdom 🩵

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Mesa, I'm glad there is some synchronicity here with your journey and recent struggle. FWIW, I'm not sure the hiding-and-seeking game ever ends completely. Our ego, which is with us forever, is convinced that's its job. However, over time, we see ourselves playing it sooner, find our way back faster, and are more tender with ourselves along the way. Here's to a long, long pause in the game for you, and your tenderness when you catch it resuming!

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Thank you, Kelly! Cheers to that :) Appreciate you!

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Mesa, your story is important. Glad you found this reminder.

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Thank you, Holly <3

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Oooh, Kelly, I missed your letter on Sunday and I'm so glad you reposted it here, with such a lovely and object lesson in seeing ourselves, or not. I loved this, "You, my fleeting friend, are but a single golden leaf, rocking gently toward the ground of your existence."

And this made me pause, because it's so true, "After all, if you’re not trying to score, what exactly are you supposed to do? (Do you see now how much that sounds like an addiction?)"

And then this, "The healthiest things must be done over and over again, forever."

Comparison is a favorite game of my mind. It's been really strong my whole life mostly around wealth and security. My practice is to try and focus on how the people in my life make me feel, how those beautiful relationships don't have anything to do with comparison. Also art. When I'm in the grace of creating, really in that space and not in my head, there isn't any comparison.

Thank you for sharing this! 🙏

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I'm so glad we run into each other in three places: Liz's Substack, yours, and mine. 😊

And oh my, yes, the comparison game! That feels like a powerful call out for me today. That's one of those games of mine that plays quietly in the background, until one day I'm suddenly bent all out of shape. I (and others reading this) will be bringing that more into awareness now, thanks to you.

Appreciate you, Jocelyn. Blessings upon your comparison-free, creative space!

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Oct 30·edited Oct 30Liked by Kelly Flanagan

I appreciate the sentiment of not winning and embracing the ordinary, but then I wonder where can we place our energy to find drive and determination. Then beyond that what does it mean for discipline if we are not trying to win at something. I am aware of the inability for motivation to last beyond disappointment or difficult moments. Also how discipline is where one mitigates negative effects of missing motivation.Still, where do I pull energy for discipline if I'm free and able to unburden myself from needing to play any games?

Honestly I'm not sure if I can fathom not being in a game or simulation in life. I see the drudgery and shame of daily struggles as a game too.

What does one do with "freedom"? Where is purpose if there is no endgame?

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Beautifully articulated, JC. I know many who read this will relate to it, including me ten years ago all the time, and a year ago for about a month, and a month ago for a couple days. 😂

It's one of the biggest fears of the entrepreneurs I work with: "But my trauma, shame, and ego are my fuel. If I learn how to operate beyond them, won't I lose my edge, and thus my success?" Those that really get into the work are able to say, "I see now all that is dirty fuel, and I want to find cleaner fuel." I might say, "More soulful fuel."

If you hold the questions you're asking in liminal space, rather than asking them in rhetorical space, you may begin to hear other possibilities. What does soulful drive, determination, and motivation look like? Where does soulful discipline come from? What is soulful energy like? What freedom might there be in living soulfully rather than playing desperately? What purpose?

To quote Loveable: "What is your purpose? The question reflects a holy impulse written into your very DNA. Human beings are meaning-making creatures. When you yearn to know why you’re here, you are honoring the very essence of your humanity. We are here to live with intention and purpose. But your shame will always answer questions about purpose with a dangling carrot. Shame will tell you what you must do in order to matter, and then, once you do it, it will tell you what else you must do. The carrot will always remain just out of reach. Therefore, it’s important to pause the purpose question until you can trust this to be true: you don’t need to be more; you just need to be more you." (Flanagan, Kelly. Loveable: Embracing What Is Truest About You, So You Can Truly Embrace Your Life (pp. 33-34). HarperCollins Christian Publishing. Kindle Edition.)

I'm writing my next book right now. When I write it as a game, I'm writing to make the New York Times bestseller list. When I write it soulfully, I'm writing it to impact as many lives as I can without losing total presence to my own.

Your great questions clearly inspired me, thank you, JC!

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So helpful, Kelly, thank you.

Look around tell me what you see

What's happening to you and me

God grant me the serenity

To just remember who I am - lyric from "Games People Play."

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Going to listen to it now. Grateful to be vibing with you as always, Carlos!

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"You can’t win a game when there’s no game being played." Absolutely.

This essay is so beautiful. I relate to so much of this: worthiness, inherent value, internal beauty, and having NOTHING to prove. Took me a long time to feel like I know what I am talking about and own my worth just as I am. I don't owe anyone anything, and I get to show up as myself every day. There is some real freedom in that.

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"I don't owe anyone anything." That's a good word, Janine. While of course we are all interconnected, we are not interconnected in a transactional, quid pro quo, tit-for-tat sort of way. That energy is always from the ego, and we can be free of it once we become aware of it. Thank you for articulating that dimension of the freedom!

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Oct 30Liked by Kelly Flanagan

I am playing the work/money/productivity game, still, though I no longer need to. It was baked into me during single-mother then family breadwinner decades. Searching for another ‘pursuit’ now but equally restless. Making progress regarding other ‘value’ but slow.

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All real progress is slow, my friend, but I've always admired your intentionality. Had a thought today: "There is no problem that presence can't solve better than purpose." Perhaps your next pursuit is presence, which requires the relinquishing of pursuit altogether.

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Oct 30Liked by Kelly Flanagan

I read your comments before sharing my own. Boy oh boy, this is a very intelligent, articulate group of individuals.

I no longer play the “ Oh no, what will they think of my comment game?” Life is too short to let others take up room in my very crowded heart.

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The thing I love about this community is that its intelligence arises as much from its heart as its head. You echo that intelligence here, Kathleen. "Oh no, what will they think of what I said?" is a huge, insidious, game most of us are playing. Thank you for naming it, and blessings upon your releasing it!

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Oct 30Liked by Kelly Flanagan

The game I’m finally giving up, has existed for the best part of forty years. It’s not a figment of my imagination unfortunately.

It’s the game of always being wrong, in the eyes of my family and allowing it to slowly eat away at my confidence and well being. I guess I’m a slow learner, although I am a certified NLP Master Practitioner and Coach. But sometimes you can’t see the wood from the trees, of your frightened of loosing your so called love ones, especially if they are all you have in the world, it must be my fault! But after going around and around on this dysfunctional merry go round and feeling it's impact. Now coming inadvertently from two generations. I’m at last finally giving up being the dogs body, this estranged “Granddad,” the old fool who’s wasted his time, money and life, on a Coaching practice he hasn't the bottle to pursue. After helping his drug addicted adult children to get clean, then having to face belittling rejection. The nagging voice that says, if your own children don’t acknowledge your gifts, what makes you think that complete strangers will? I know this negative self talk is a result of my Narcissistic family and my role as the outsider. I was always on the outside looking in, because I couldn't be right for being wrong. My love for them and the need to belong has kept me tied, and wouldn't you know it - it’s a repeat of my childhood. But here’s the thing, I overcome that and I will overcome this, there’s a New game about to start!

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James, thank you so much for this. It's so important to acknowledge that some games we were given aren't a figment of our imagination, but a figment of the giver's imagination. The game your describing is the single biggest game I had to overcome to start writing. The "Who do you think you are, to believe you might have something worth saying to people?" game. It came from my own family, where even if you were "right," you were less "right" than someone else. That game it turned out was the right vs. wrong game. It's a distraction. The non-game alternative is tell your story in your voice and add your value to the world. Blessings upon that "new game about to start" in your life!

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Oct 30Liked by Kelly Flanagan

Sorry for the typos but that's what you get trying to type on a iPhone with stubby fingers.

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I'm quite impressed you did that on an iPhone! 😊

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Oct 30Liked by Kelly Flanagan

James

James’s Substack

2 hrs ago

The game I’m finally giving up, has existed for the best part of forty years. It’s not a figment of my imagination unfortunately.

It’s the game of always being wrong, in the eyes of my family and allowing it to slowly eat away at my confidence and well being. I guess I’m a slow learner, although I am a certified NLP Master Practitioner and Coach. But sometimes you can’t see the wood from the trees, of your frightened of loosing your so called love ones, especially if they are all you have in the world, it must be my fault! But after going around and around on this dysfunctional merry go round and feeling it's impact. Now coming inadvertently from two generations. I’m at last finally giving up being the dogs body, this estranged “Granddad,” the old fool who’s wasted his time, money and life, on a Coaching practice he hasn't the bottle to pursue. After helping his drug addicted adult children to get clean, then having to face belittling rejection. The nagging voice that says, if your own children don’t acknowledge your gifts, what makes you think that complete strangers will? I know this negative self talk is a result of my Narcissistic family and my role as the outsider. I was always on the outside looking in, because I couldn't be right for being wrong. My love for them and the need to belong has kept me tied, and wouldn't you know it - it’s a repeat of my childhood. But here’s the thing, I overcome that and I will overcome this, there’s a New game about to start!

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There was never anything to prove. Mmmmm.

Thank you for the reminder that whatever we do that is good for our souls and sense of worth we must do again and again.

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Well, that just about sums up all things beautifully: if it's good for your soul and sense of worth, do it over and over again, forever. Thank you, Holly!

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Oct 30Liked by Kelly Flanagan

Perfect timing. I'm teaching an in-person class tonight after not teaching for several months, so lots of my insecurities have bubbled up. There is nothing to prove. I'm sure I'll be fine as long as I don't overthink it and get in my own way. You would think after 35 years of running groups and teaching, I wouldn't feel the least bit insecure, but I do!

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It's amazing to me how rustiness always comes with a return of the old self-doubt! The little one within us who carries most of our self-doubt is much quicker to forget that we've learned how to do these things well since we were their age. How did it go???

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