My limits have haunted me my whole life. I have real limits I misjudge and I have perceived limits that stall my progress. Basically I hurt myself all the time, physically and mentally when I'm not cateful and then I hurt when I quit or fizzle out before trying my best on something I wanted to really try and emotionally hurt myself.
‘I have real limits I misjudge and I have perceived limits that stall my progress.’ This is so relatable! I burned out and learned to say ‘no’ quite well. But then I tended to say ‘no’ to about everything, which is really a ‘no’ to life. Now I learn to make peace with intensity and strain, feeling drained often and learning to trust that I can ‘spend’ myself and be richer for it. But it is still a delicate balance and I am often confused.
Great word, Lara: relatable. This really is relatable, JC. And it’s frustrating isn’t it, to feel you’re not really aligned with your true capacity? For what it's worth, you’re reminding me of one of this year’s earliest posts: “It’s Foolish to Follow Your Intuition.” I hear you saying that working on your intuition comes before honoring your limits for now!
GIVE MYSELF THE GIFT OF ADEQUACY. This week I'm spending as much time as possible with my mentor in the last days of her life. I'm still parenting and foster parenting. I'm taking care of the animals. But everything else is switched to survival mode. Work, household chores, dinner, I'm letting go of anything beyond adequate. No striving for excellence this week! I even let a friend wash my dishes last night. Woo sah.
Upon rereading this comment I see how it can come across as sarcastic and that was not my intent.. I tend to imagine what motivates innovation and that’s where my motive was .. imagining a mom tired of repeatedly washing dishes and needing a break and voila! The paper plate was born. I am sorry if what I said sounded anything other than empathetic and friendly .
FWIW, Rhonda, I didn’t experience your comment as sarcastic at all. I thought your intent shone through, but thanks for caring enough for Amy to let her know that. Amy, your share is a gift to all of us. Where can we relax our “standards” as an act of self-love. So important. May there be some unexpected blessings in these final days with your mentor.
I DON'T either. Like JC. I just keep going on. I can't bare or admit it when supposedly I reached them ... Which is strange as I run to help my friends or my brother and sister when they do. I can't stand to see them in pain (whatever the kind of pain they have) and I beg them to just ease themselves....
Tiphaine, I can’t remember if you’re familiar with the Enneagram? You are describing an Enneagram 2. The Helper. If you’re not familiar with it, exploring some of the guidelines for how to grow into the healthiest version of a Helper may be freeing for you!
It was also suggested to me that always helping others, but not allowing ourselves help (or self care), can be considered a false pride...."I don't need help". I was the consummate helper in my youther days and this hit hard. Helping others distracted me from dealing with my own needs. And I am in the helping profession (no duh!)
PUT THE BRAKES ON MOMENTUM. We’ve had a scary number of crises, and like Amy’s comment above, I go into survival mode fairly easily. Especially if it’s for someone else who needs me. For instance, it’s been a year since I last posted a blog during an extended family crisis and even though things are fairly resolved, I haven’t started up again. My problem seems to be inertia.
Mmmm. Deb, I’m letting myself feel this: the wisdom of taking a break when you needed to, but the difficulty to get started again. What if you trusted the hesitation to resume the old thing, as your soul’s way of saying it wants it to be somehow different going forward? What do you notice your energy gathering around with regard to what to do next?
Good catch, I am feeling drawn in a slightly different direction. That combined with the old struggles of not feeling adequate are probably behind my inertia. But God... offering up my doubts to him and others has brought some fresh new inspiration. Thanks Kelly.
I love that once you’ve started to be vulnerable with God and others about your doubt, new possibilities have emerged. The inertia of shame can’t survive the cleansing of vulnerability!
At some point it is simply time to CLEAR THE CALENDAR and put some manufactured downtime in place. I do this by escaping to the ranch for a long weekend to spend time in nature. I don't check my emails or spend time on work projects. I just commune with what God created.
By the way, it was an honor to be there as you worked through some of those demons on the mountain!
I'VE LEARNED TO SAY NO. I used to cram my day full, scheduled up to the minute, and I found it was unsustainable. I have added blank spaces to my schedule that allows me to breathe, walk, anything I need to do for myself and my self care. It's made all the difference.
The term “sit down for a cuppa” comes to mind . In Ireland they don’t run at the same pace we do and it’s crazy to them to not sit and enjoy a cuppa tea, and it’s usually not alone but with a friend or colleague. Community ❤️
Yes, I've learned that too Janine. And to feel fine when I say it. I make appointments with myself, not for a particular thing to do, but just whatever feels right in the moment. Works really well, doesn't it!
Recognition is half the battle for me - then compromise and the grace to be okay with the compromise. As a caregiver that gets especially tricky, but I have given myself permission to not only know my limits but call them when I must. BTW - the keynote is going to be great - I just know it!
I STOP SHOULDING ON MYSELF . Growing up in a home where it was my job to keep my parents happy to be safe, I find myself at times in places of exhaustion and overwhelm. Each time I have to evaluate where I let other people’s “shoulds” drive my decisions and not what makes my soul sing. I also don’t have to live at the pace of other people. I don’t thrive running at the pace of society and I want to be my best self not my resentful spent self .
This is beautiful Rhonda. “I don’t have to live at the pace of other people.” Brilliant.
Also I discovered long ago the power of replacing the S in “should” with a C and making it “could”.
Could is so empowering, especially combined with grace. I could do X, or I could not do it. It’s up to me, not someone else. And without the expectation that should carries.
I’ll reword Pat’s “recognition” to ATTENDING — I have to keep learning / practicing paying attention. Because helping and doing and, inevitably, should-ing will outpace me every time and then the mind and body get dislocated from the soul and spirit. (My pace is so much slower than my colleagues’ and i am having to learn to accept that.)
What increases my effectiveness is becoming hyper aware of my “sloppy yes’s” - when others make requests and ask thing of me that I say yes too because when looked at individually they don’t seem like a big commitment. But when taken together with all the other yes’s, I become overloaded and spent.
Then the practice turns to replying with “compassionate no’s” where I decline the many requests that aren’t core for me at the time and thank the person for asking, and request that they keep me in mind in the future. My compassionate no is a “not right now.”
Having said all that, it’s a practice I’m not very good at, and many days I set a goal of replacing just one sloppy yes with compassionate no.
I DON’T PUSH THROUGH, unless I’m having a baby, which I’m not anymore, and even then I took breaks to cry (yelling also helped). If I’m not well, nothing else is, so I take care of myself. It took me decades to learn this, and I’m still practicing everyday.
I feel called out in a great way by this, Emily. I’ve always considered “pushing through” to be my super power. And it can be. It can also be my kryptonite. Thank you. 🙏
Thanks Kelly. I’ve just never had the nervous system, body, mind that could handle it. I get sick or my brain takes a nose dive or my body starts to really hurt. So, I guess I should say pushing through is just not in the cards. There have certainly been times when I wished I could just keep going. Ah well:).
REDUCE DIGITAL INPUT AND REPLACE WITH SMALL REAL ACTIVITIES. My activities during the day are hard to cut down. But when I notice I am drained I change the way I spend my evenings. No socials, podcasts, digital reading, writing or screen time. Instead I listen to music, cook, plant something, walk, bike, sit outside, take a bath, draw, do yoga, meditate—anything that engages me with my body in the physical world. I follow the ideas that pop up in my head. This way I noticed I can reconnect with myself without having to disappear from my life (which I used to think was necessary and still sometimes tend to believe).
Love this, Lara. We have a device called the AroGo, in which I stash my phone at night for exactly this purpose. If it’s on my person, I’ll fill my night with various digital distractions. I’ve been slacking on this though. Thanks for the encouragement to be intentional!
In the past I would have pushed past my limits, certainly did not honor them. I tried to find my worth in being available for all, but only found anger and burnout. Now, it is a balancing act for sure, not perfection, but in general I am more aware of me, what is going on inside of me, and recognize the signs when I need to pull back, care for myself, BREATH. Grace for the moment. And me!
Usually I find I am angry, feel overwhelmed, or sad. Want to isolate away from people. I also shame myself for feeling these feelings. Now when I notice this happening. . . I stop, pause, and remind myself of my worth, reframe, and try to move forward with more grace.
I DON'T
My limits have haunted me my whole life. I have real limits I misjudge and I have perceived limits that stall my progress. Basically I hurt myself all the time, physically and mentally when I'm not cateful and then I hurt when I quit or fizzle out before trying my best on something I wanted to really try and emotionally hurt myself.
‘I have real limits I misjudge and I have perceived limits that stall my progress.’ This is so relatable! I burned out and learned to say ‘no’ quite well. But then I tended to say ‘no’ to about everything, which is really a ‘no’ to life. Now I learn to make peace with intensity and strain, feeling drained often and learning to trust that I can ‘spend’ myself and be richer for it. But it is still a delicate balance and I am often confused.
Great word, Lara: relatable. This really is relatable, JC. And it’s frustrating isn’t it, to feel you’re not really aligned with your true capacity? For what it's worth, you’re reminding me of one of this year’s earliest posts: “It’s Foolish to Follow Your Intuition.” I hear you saying that working on your intuition comes before honoring your limits for now!
GIVE MYSELF THE GIFT OF ADEQUACY. This week I'm spending as much time as possible with my mentor in the last days of her life. I'm still parenting and foster parenting. I'm taking care of the animals. But everything else is switched to survival mode. Work, household chores, dinner, I'm letting go of anything beyond adequate. No striving for excellence this week! I even let a friend wash my dishes last night. Woo sah.
Ahhh… that refreshes my soul. Dishes will just get washed eventually right? I think maybe that’s why paper plates were created lol?
Upon rereading this comment I see how it can come across as sarcastic and that was not my intent.. I tend to imagine what motivates innovation and that’s where my motive was .. imagining a mom tired of repeatedly washing dishes and needing a break and voila! The paper plate was born. I am sorry if what I said sounded anything other than empathetic and friendly .
FWIW, Rhonda, I didn’t experience your comment as sarcastic at all. I thought your intent shone through, but thanks for caring enough for Amy to let her know that. Amy, your share is a gift to all of us. Where can we relax our “standards” as an act of self-love. So important. May there be some unexpected blessings in these final days with your mentor.
I DON'T either. Like JC. I just keep going on. I can't bare or admit it when supposedly I reached them ... Which is strange as I run to help my friends or my brother and sister when they do. I can't stand to see them in pain (whatever the kind of pain they have) and I beg them to just ease themselves....
Tiphaine, I can’t remember if you’re familiar with the Enneagram? You are describing an Enneagram 2. The Helper. If you’re not familiar with it, exploring some of the guidelines for how to grow into the healthiest version of a Helper may be freeing for you!
It was also suggested to me that always helping others, but not allowing ourselves help (or self care), can be considered a false pride...."I don't need help". I was the consummate helper in my youther days and this hit hard. Helping others distracted me from dealing with my own needs. And I am in the helping profession (no duh!)
Guilty as charged, Heather!
PUT THE BRAKES ON MOMENTUM. We’ve had a scary number of crises, and like Amy’s comment above, I go into survival mode fairly easily. Especially if it’s for someone else who needs me. For instance, it’s been a year since I last posted a blog during an extended family crisis and even though things are fairly resolved, I haven’t started up again. My problem seems to be inertia.
Mmmm. Deb, I’m letting myself feel this: the wisdom of taking a break when you needed to, but the difficulty to get started again. What if you trusted the hesitation to resume the old thing, as your soul’s way of saying it wants it to be somehow different going forward? What do you notice your energy gathering around with regard to what to do next?
Good catch, I am feeling drawn in a slightly different direction. That combined with the old struggles of not feeling adequate are probably behind my inertia. But God... offering up my doubts to him and others has brought some fresh new inspiration. Thanks Kelly.
I love that once you’ve started to be vulnerable with God and others about your doubt, new possibilities have emerged. The inertia of shame can’t survive the cleansing of vulnerability!
YEP!
At some point it is simply time to CLEAR THE CALENDAR and put some manufactured downtime in place. I do this by escaping to the ranch for a long weekend to spend time in nature. I don't check my emails or spend time on work projects. I just commune with what God created.
By the way, it was an honor to be there as you worked through some of those demons on the mountain!
Ken, you sitting next to me at the top of the peak was a Godsend. Our conversation centered me for the hike back down. Thank you, my friend.
Clearing the calendar is gold!
I'VE LEARNED TO SAY NO. I used to cram my day full, scheduled up to the minute, and I found it was unsustainable. I have added blank spaces to my schedule that allows me to breathe, walk, anything I need to do for myself and my self care. It's made all the difference.
The term “sit down for a cuppa” comes to mind . In Ireland they don’t run at the same pace we do and it’s crazy to them to not sit and enjoy a cuppa tea, and it’s usually not alone but with a friend or colleague. Community ❤️
Yes, I've learned that too Janine. And to feel fine when I say it. I make appointments with myself, not for a particular thing to do, but just whatever feels right in the moment. Works really well, doesn't it!
“Blank spaces.”
Janine, that’s simple, straightforward, and hugely valuable, as Rhonda and Jane have affirmed!
STOP AND BREATHE
and/ or
CRY OUT TO GOD... HELP!!!
This!!
YES! Prayer! If I hear that inner voice I know I am to continue and God will lead and be in charge.
At the retreat last week, one of my big takeaways was this: “Surrender is, paradoxically, the only true freedom.” Crying out for help feels like that!
Recognition is half the battle for me - then compromise and the grace to be okay with the compromise. As a caregiver that gets especially tricky, but I have given myself permission to not only know my limits but call them when I must. BTW - the keynote is going to be great - I just know it!
“The grace to be okay with compromise.” I love that, Pat.
And thanks for your vote of confidence about the keynote…it went really well!
I say NO! This was never easy for me until I had so many tragic events happen in a short period of time. Now I embrace NO!
"No" is a complete sentence, and can always be offered with kindness.
THIS. Love it, Heather.
Rae, I love that you redeemed a series of tragedies to develop a super power that you now carry forward into everything!
I STOP SHOULDING ON MYSELF . Growing up in a home where it was my job to keep my parents happy to be safe, I find myself at times in places of exhaustion and overwhelm. Each time I have to evaluate where I let other people’s “shoulds” drive my decisions and not what makes my soul sing. I also don’t have to live at the pace of other people. I don’t thrive running at the pace of society and I want to be my best self not my resentful spent self .
This is beautiful Rhonda. “I don’t have to live at the pace of other people.” Brilliant.
Also I discovered long ago the power of replacing the S in “should” with a C and making it “could”.
Could is so empowering, especially combined with grace. I could do X, or I could not do it. It’s up to me, not someone else. And without the expectation that should carries.
🙏😊
Ohh I like that! Christ carries my should to a could!
This exchange between you two warms my heart. 🙏
I’ll reword Pat’s “recognition” to ATTENDING — I have to keep learning / practicing paying attention. Because helping and doing and, inevitably, should-ing will outpace me every time and then the mind and body get dislocated from the soul and spirit. (My pace is so much slower than my colleagues’ and i am having to learn to accept that.)
Love this, Kim. Rhonda also said above, “I don’t have to live at the pace of other people.” May that be an additional affirmation for you!
What increases my effectiveness is becoming hyper aware of my “sloppy yes’s” - when others make requests and ask thing of me that I say yes too because when looked at individually they don’t seem like a big commitment. But when taken together with all the other yes’s, I become overloaded and spent.
Then the practice turns to replying with “compassionate no’s” where I decline the many requests that aren’t core for me at the time and thank the person for asking, and request that they keep me in mind in the future. My compassionate no is a “not right now.”
Having said all that, it’s a practice I’m not very good at, and many days I set a goal of replacing just one sloppy yes with compassionate no.
it's a journey for trues!
James, this hit hard. Sloppy yes’s. Little yes’s that add up. You’ve tuned me into something important. Thank you! 🙏
I DON’T PUSH THROUGH, unless I’m having a baby, which I’m not anymore, and even then I took breaks to cry (yelling also helped). If I’m not well, nothing else is, so I take care of myself. It took me decades to learn this, and I’m still practicing everyday.
I feel called out in a great way by this, Emily. I’ve always considered “pushing through” to be my super power. And it can be. It can also be my kryptonite. Thank you. 🙏
Thanks Kelly. I’ve just never had the nervous system, body, mind that could handle it. I get sick or my brain takes a nose dive or my body starts to really hurt. So, I guess I should say pushing through is just not in the cards. There have certainly been times when I wished I could just keep going. Ah well:).
A blessing in disguise! 😊
Yes, I suppose so:)
REDUCE DIGITAL INPUT AND REPLACE WITH SMALL REAL ACTIVITIES. My activities during the day are hard to cut down. But when I notice I am drained I change the way I spend my evenings. No socials, podcasts, digital reading, writing or screen time. Instead I listen to music, cook, plant something, walk, bike, sit outside, take a bath, draw, do yoga, meditate—anything that engages me with my body in the physical world. I follow the ideas that pop up in my head. This way I noticed I can reconnect with myself without having to disappear from my life (which I used to think was necessary and still sometimes tend to believe).
Love this, Lara. We have a device called the AroGo, in which I stash my phone at night for exactly this purpose. If it’s on my person, I’ll fill my night with various digital distractions. I’ve been slacking on this though. Thanks for the encouragement to be intentional!
In the past I would have pushed past my limits, certainly did not honor them. I tried to find my worth in being available for all, but only found anger and burnout. Now, it is a balancing act for sure, not perfection, but in general I am more aware of me, what is going on inside of me, and recognize the signs when I need to pull back, care for myself, BREATH. Grace for the moment. And me!
Love this, Cathy. And I’d love to hear more about the signs you notice when it’s time to pull back!
Usually I find I am angry, feel overwhelmed, or sad. Want to isolate away from people. I also shame myself for feeling these feelings. Now when I notice this happening. . . I stop, pause, and remind myself of my worth, reframe, and try to move forward with more grace.
Cathy, you inspire me, thank you for sharing this shift in you!
I ASK MYSELF’WHAT IS MY TRUTH’?
And then….I Trust My Gut and set a boundary that honors my answer.
RADICAL SELF ACCEPTANCE BABY!!
The energy of this brought a big, big smile to my face, Marilyn! 😁