MY PROBLEMS SEEM TO FADE A LITTLE (OR A LOT) WHEN I TAKE TIME TO LISTEN TO OTHER PEOPLE’S PROBLEMS.
I was all worked up about some concern I had as I joined my running group this morning. But I paused and asked the other ladies how they were doing and as I listened to my friend’s life and death struggle I realized that my kid’s problems with algebra are not that big after all.
I never want to encourage people to minimize but there are some things that really don’t matter as much. My feelings are no less real, but my problems certainly are not as big! When I look at how I can help my friend I am less concerned about algebra!
I have a practice that “when I’m ‘off’ I find myself in other people” and it looks like exactly what you did. I get out the circumstances of my own life and get into the world of others. When I come back to my own life, not only does it look different, but I’m different!
Joy, I love this. It’s powerful, thank you. This is how I understand the power of what you’re doing:
Our problems are painful. So, we created an ego to help us manage that pain and those problems. The ego is self-centered and self-protective, which adds exponential layers of unintended suffering to our pain. Therefore, when we relocate ourselves outside of your ego, in our soul, which is attentive to and caring for others, the ego suffering goes away. We’re left only with your pain. But what a relief compared to the suffering created by the ego!
That’s sort of heady, but I figured worth sharing.
ENVY SITS AT THE INTERSECTION OF LUST AND ANGER (per Dr. Dan Allender).
Envy is not passive but has a lot of ‘violent’ energy, for the envying and the envied. I’m considering the impact of this on my life, both where I envy and where I have been envied, and how it shuts people down and breaks connection between us.
This one is helpful, as I seek to understand someone who seems to be operating harmfully out of envy. Also makes me wonder, if anger is generally a presenting emotion hiding a deeper emotion, what might be the emotion behind anger, if anger is one of the two emotions behind envy. Thank you!
Me too, Todd. Thanks for sharing it, Joy. I woke up unusually anxious this morning. The question, “What would fear drive me to today, and where would love lead me?” makes for a powerful contemplation.
TO LOVE FOR THE SAKE OF BEING LOVED IS HUMAN. TO LOVE FOR THE SAKE OF LOVING IS ANGELIC (Alphonse de Lamartine)
I try and teach my twin daughters that how you love anything is how you love everything. That loving this kid, and hating that kid, isn’t optimal wiring to be developing inside ourselves. When we’re do we make love conditional, and about ourselves.
And that when we’re not feeling so loving, we can love with our compassion, with our empathy, with our forgiveness, with our patience—with our virtues.
Our opportunity is to wire ourselves to love…for the sake of loving.
I love this idea, James, and especially that you are teaching it to your daughters. It's similar to the thought that it's easy to love the people who love you, but loving those who don't love you demonstrates and develops the virues you listed.
Wow. How have I never come across that quote. Thank you for sharing it, James, and how you apply it with your daughters. “Wire ourselves to love for the sake of loving.” So good.
Every negative thought is a fantasy of a reality that doesn’t exist. This thought has hit me hard because my ego immediately says all the reasons why I need to defend my negative thought or mood…and then realize that it’s my wounded little girl throwing a tantrum in Walmart. Of course she is upset and angry and disappointed and terrified that she is alone in this world and no one sees her suffering. Of course she needs to be scooped up and hugged so she can melt in safe arms and cry. I think I need to go buy a teddy bear now so I can hug her and reassure her that it’s going to be okay.
“It’s my wounded little girl throwing a tantrum in Walmart.” That is profound, Rhonda. I don’t know if we can learn to truly love our shadow without that perspective. 🙏
Rhonda your little Walmart girl reminds me of a scene last night. My daughter and family were over and my four year old granddaughter started yelling about something small. Instead of getting annoyed or trying to soothe her to make that noise stop I started a dramatic version of the same noise flinging myself on my back. Her mouth dropped open and she started laughing that I was being so ridiculous. She’d never seen anything like that. Now. Can I do that with my own ridiculous thoughts? It’s a different form of love. Perspective. Laughter.
WHAT I BELIEVE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT I KNOW.
This requires some caveats:
- I cannot and will never know everything, so priorities must be set for what is most important.
- It's not okay to just think I'm right because I "feel" some way about things, I have to have a connection and a conviction to what it is that I think is true and it has to lead to rational and calm conclusions, rather than wildly emotional things.
- Traditions and policies can get in the way of more simplistic beliefs that sit at the core, but I should not just toss them away as if they do not have a place.
- I cannot allow the common logical fallacies run wild in my understanding and communications about what is true because lots of smart, deeply educated, and well read people have ideas and agendas that go against the grain of my better sense about what is true.
- Partial truths make for dangerous turns in opinions that steer people away from seeking common ground and allowing room for messiness.
So good. So true. However, I find it not so easy sometimes, to remember to be gentle. Or I think my gentle words are too wishy-washy. It's a great daily practice and one I am definitely "practicing."
BE RESPECTFUL OF YOUR OLD WRITING. IT IS GRIST FOR YOUR CREATIVE MILL.
On Monday night, the facilitator of a virtual writing circle I participated in said this as part of her closing remarks. She's an incredibly gifted artist--Bella Mahaya Carter--and the way in which she led our groups was always with wisdom, kindness, and encouragement.
Her statement about respecting our old writing struck me, because I have been grappling with my publishing and public speaking history--hiding it, I mean, because everything I accomplished was as a branded Catholic spirituality author. And I've since stepped away from that, but my previously published books remain. They're testaments of who I once was, both personally and as a writer, and I can never erase their existence. The thing is, I've thought about this a lot, and I realize I wouldn't want to, anyway, because they speak of my growth as a person.
The reason I tend to hide my previous publishing history is that I am afraid people will automatically judge or discount me, based on what I used to write and speak about. Knowing that everything I've written fuels my creative work today is very encouraging.
This made me think of Thomas Merton. If you read his first book, THE SEVEN STOREY MOUNTAIN (1948) and his last book, CONTEMPLATIVE PRAYER (1969), back to back, you wouldn’t think they were written by the same person.
FWIW, if it’s a sticking point, though, perhaps the thing to write about now is why you don’t write as a Catholic anymore? When I’m struggling to write because of my shame, I write about my shame. 😊
That’s a great idea, Kelly. Alex Lovell told me something similar recently—to write about why I don’t write theological/spiritual books or stories anymore. I will definitely take that to heart as I move forward with my Substack essays each week.
As for Thomas Merton, he is one of my favorite spirituality writers! I have a few of his books, so I’ll revisit THE SEVEN STOREY MOUNTAIN and CONTEMPLATIVE PRAYER.
By the way, I finished reading Rohr’s FALLING UPWARD last week, and it was phenomenal! Totally understand why this is a spiritual classic. I took copious notes, but it really spoke to where I am in my spiritual walk.
I appreciate you and all of your fantastic recommendations!
THE ONLY THING HOLDING ME BACK IS CAPACITY TO EXPAND
The Universe is always expanding. It's okay that I'm not able to handle the next thing and the next, but instead of focusing on the details, I've been focusing on my overall capacity. That has made all the difference.
In an ongoing effort to not close my heart when I'm offended or hurt, I am trying to be curious about the "WHY" of someone's choices to offend or hurt. (highlight "trying")
Even back when I was an adolescent, my Mom would say “if you want to know the truth about something, ask Teyani.” It isn’t that I didn’t have a filter, I just thought that if people asked me, they wanted to know what I thought, so I’d tell them.
I was reminded of this earlier in the week when a contentious reply to something I said about another’s essay. This person was spoiling for a fight. You could sense it everywhere. I read it, felt it, waited, then responded with the truth (as I see it). As I began my reply to this person, I said “I’m not going to argue about this, nor attempt to change your mind, but I will share my thoughts about the truth”. Then I wrote, edited, wrote, edited and edited my reply with intent to make my “voice” read as if I was speaking it. Not an easy thing to respond to, but I was as truthful as I could be.
One Spiritual Teacher of mine had a different phrasing, yet same idea: Truth always has kindness in it. I morphed it for me to "'Capital T" Truth always has kindness in it"
IS THE STORY I'VE BEEN TELLING MYSELF/REPEATING OVER THE YEARS JUST AN "INTERESTING MYTHOLOGY"? Stephen Jenkinson
Just heard this today and it has captured my curiosity (-along with my tendency to want to "be right"). Maybe parts (or all?) are just creative lies I've been repeating to myself....
MY PROBLEMS SEEM TO FADE A LITTLE (OR A LOT) WHEN I TAKE TIME TO LISTEN TO OTHER PEOPLE’S PROBLEMS.
I was all worked up about some concern I had as I joined my running group this morning. But I paused and asked the other ladies how they were doing and as I listened to my friend’s life and death struggle I realized that my kid’s problems with algebra are not that big after all.
I never want to encourage people to minimize but there are some things that really don’t matter as much. My feelings are no less real, but my problems certainly are not as big! When I look at how I can help my friend I am less concerned about algebra!
This is a beautiful truth!
Joy this is beautiful.
I have a practice that “when I’m ‘off’ I find myself in other people” and it looks like exactly what you did. I get out the circumstances of my own life and get into the world of others. When I come back to my own life, not only does it look different, but I’m different!
Joy, I love this. It’s powerful, thank you. This is how I understand the power of what you’re doing:
Our problems are painful. So, we created an ego to help us manage that pain and those problems. The ego is self-centered and self-protective, which adds exponential layers of unintended suffering to our pain. Therefore, when we relocate ourselves outside of your ego, in our soul, which is attentive to and caring for others, the ego suffering goes away. We’re left only with your pain. But what a relief compared to the suffering created by the ego!
That’s sort of heady, but I figured worth sharing.
ENVY SITS AT THE INTERSECTION OF LUST AND ANGER (per Dr. Dan Allender).
Envy is not passive but has a lot of ‘violent’ energy, for the envying and the envied. I’m considering the impact of this on my life, both where I envy and where I have been envied, and how it shuts people down and breaks connection between us.
Wow! I am going to spend some time processing that one! It resonates with me. Thank you!
This one is helpful, as I seek to understand someone who seems to be operating harmfully out of envy. Also makes me wonder, if anger is generally a presenting emotion hiding a deeper emotion, what might be the emotion behind anger, if anger is one of the two emotions behind envy. Thank you!
That’s a great question, John!
What an eye-opening meditation, thank you for sharing it, Cheri!
FEAR IS A DANGEROUS BUT EFFECTIVE MOTIVATOR. (OFTEN LEADING US AWAY FROM TRUTH).
I LONG TO BE LEAD BY LOVE NOT DRIVEN BY FEAR.
Yes, that resonates deeply with me.
Me too, Todd. Thanks for sharing it, Joy. I woke up unusually anxious this morning. The question, “What would fear drive me to today, and where would love lead me?” makes for a powerful contemplation.
MY MOST IMPORTANT WORK IN THE CHAOS IS TO SHOW UP WELL.
Todd, we’re always vibing. A phrase that has been repeating in my head since mid-December: Live whatever is happening as beautifully as I can.
TO LOVE FOR THE SAKE OF BEING LOVED IS HUMAN. TO LOVE FOR THE SAKE OF LOVING IS ANGELIC (Alphonse de Lamartine)
I try and teach my twin daughters that how you love anything is how you love everything. That loving this kid, and hating that kid, isn’t optimal wiring to be developing inside ourselves. When we’re do we make love conditional, and about ourselves.
And that when we’re not feeling so loving, we can love with our compassion, with our empathy, with our forgiveness, with our patience—with our virtues.
Our opportunity is to wire ourselves to love…for the sake of loving.
I love this idea, James, and especially that you are teaching it to your daughters. It's similar to the thought that it's easy to love the people who love you, but loving those who don't love you demonstrates and develops the virues you listed.
Wow. How have I never come across that quote. Thank you for sharing it, James, and how you apply it with your daughters. “Wire ourselves to love for the sake of loving.” So good.
My favorite quote of all time Kelly :)
Why doesn’t that surprise me? 😊
I TRULY CAN FORGIVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF, EVEN WHEN OTHERS REMIND ME OF MY PAST.
Beautiful. This reminds me that PAST IS A REFERENCE, NOT A RESIDENCE.
Love the way one inspired another here. Thank you, you two!
Every negative thought is a fantasy of a reality that doesn’t exist. This thought has hit me hard because my ego immediately says all the reasons why I need to defend my negative thought or mood…and then realize that it’s my wounded little girl throwing a tantrum in Walmart. Of course she is upset and angry and disappointed and terrified that she is alone in this world and no one sees her suffering. Of course she needs to be scooped up and hugged so she can melt in safe arms and cry. I think I need to go buy a teddy bear now so I can hug her and reassure her that it’s going to be okay.
“It’s my wounded little girl throwing a tantrum in Walmart.” That is profound, Rhonda. I don’t know if we can learn to truly love our shadow without that perspective. 🙏
Rhonda your little Walmart girl reminds me of a scene last night. My daughter and family were over and my four year old granddaughter started yelling about something small. Instead of getting annoyed or trying to soothe her to make that noise stop I started a dramatic version of the same noise flinging myself on my back. Her mouth dropped open and she started laughing that I was being so ridiculous. She’d never seen anything like that. Now. Can I do that with my own ridiculous thoughts? It’s a different form of love. Perspective. Laughter.
WHAT I BELIEVE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT I KNOW.
This requires some caveats:
- I cannot and will never know everything, so priorities must be set for what is most important.
- It's not okay to just think I'm right because I "feel" some way about things, I have to have a connection and a conviction to what it is that I think is true and it has to lead to rational and calm conclusions, rather than wildly emotional things.
- Traditions and policies can get in the way of more simplistic beliefs that sit at the core, but I should not just toss them away as if they do not have a place.
- I cannot allow the common logical fallacies run wild in my understanding and communications about what is true because lots of smart, deeply educated, and well read people have ideas and agendas that go against the grain of my better sense about what is true.
- Partial truths make for dangerous turns in opinions that steer people away from seeking common ground and allowing room for messiness.
I love the light bulb and the caveats, JC. Your willingness to see deeply into anything is one of your gifts!
BE GENTLE WITH YOUR WORDS (daily habit suggestion from the Monk Manual planner)
surprising how many things can be expressed - and received - when gentleness is the canvas and palette of what you're expressing.
also surprisingly easy to maintain and return to, as a discipline, being gentle with your words.
So good. So true. However, I find it not so easy sometimes, to remember to be gentle. Or I think my gentle words are too wishy-washy. It's a great daily practice and one I am definitely "practicing."
Love the idea and the practice, John! And Brenda, you raise a great point: how does one hold gentleness and assertiveness all at once?
BE RESPECTFUL OF YOUR OLD WRITING. IT IS GRIST FOR YOUR CREATIVE MILL.
On Monday night, the facilitator of a virtual writing circle I participated in said this as part of her closing remarks. She's an incredibly gifted artist--Bella Mahaya Carter--and the way in which she led our groups was always with wisdom, kindness, and encouragement.
Her statement about respecting our old writing struck me, because I have been grappling with my publishing and public speaking history--hiding it, I mean, because everything I accomplished was as a branded Catholic spirituality author. And I've since stepped away from that, but my previously published books remain. They're testaments of who I once was, both personally and as a writer, and I can never erase their existence. The thing is, I've thought about this a lot, and I realize I wouldn't want to, anyway, because they speak of my growth as a person.
The reason I tend to hide my previous publishing history is that I am afraid people will automatically judge or discount me, based on what I used to write and speak about. Knowing that everything I've written fuels my creative work today is very encouraging.
This made me think of Thomas Merton. If you read his first book, THE SEVEN STOREY MOUNTAIN (1948) and his last book, CONTEMPLATIVE PRAYER (1969), back to back, you wouldn’t think they were written by the same person.
FWIW, if it’s a sticking point, though, perhaps the thing to write about now is why you don’t write as a Catholic anymore? When I’m struggling to write because of my shame, I write about my shame. 😊
That’s a great idea, Kelly. Alex Lovell told me something similar recently—to write about why I don’t write theological/spiritual books or stories anymore. I will definitely take that to heart as I move forward with my Substack essays each week.
As for Thomas Merton, he is one of my favorite spirituality writers! I have a few of his books, so I’ll revisit THE SEVEN STOREY MOUNTAIN and CONTEMPLATIVE PRAYER.
By the way, I finished reading Rohr’s FALLING UPWARD last week, and it was phenomenal! Totally understand why this is a spiritual classic. I took copious notes, but it really spoke to where I am in my spiritual walk.
I appreciate you and all of your fantastic recommendations!
His new one released yesterday! 😊 THE TEARS OF THINGS.
No way! I'll have to find it. Thanks for letting me know.
Pre-ordered it! Can’t wait!
It’s EXCELLENT.
THE ONLY THING HOLDING ME BACK IS CAPACITY TO EXPAND
The Universe is always expanding. It's okay that I'm not able to handle the next thing and the next, but instead of focusing on the details, I've been focusing on my overall capacity. That has made all the difference.
Love this, Allysha, it’s great to see you in this space, and thank you for sharing!
LIMITED ONLY BY MY IMAGINATION
This is similar. This is what I tell myself whenever I look at the horizon.
Love this, Julia!
CURIOSITY.
In an ongoing effort to not close my heart when I'm offended or hurt, I am trying to be curious about the "WHY" of someone's choices to offend or hurt. (highlight "trying")
I love how much you try, Donna!
Thanks, friend.
I love this, Donna! Staying curious allows us to stay open and vulnerable. Certainty is an automatic door closing.
Thank you, Cynthia. Adding “certainty” to “try to avoid” Great thought.
THE TRUTH IS NEVER MEAN.
Even back when I was an adolescent, my Mom would say “if you want to know the truth about something, ask Teyani.” It isn’t that I didn’t have a filter, I just thought that if people asked me, they wanted to know what I thought, so I’d tell them.
I was reminded of this earlier in the week when a contentious reply to something I said about another’s essay. This person was spoiling for a fight. You could sense it everywhere. I read it, felt it, waited, then responded with the truth (as I see it). As I began my reply to this person, I said “I’m not going to argue about this, nor attempt to change your mind, but I will share my thoughts about the truth”. Then I wrote, edited, wrote, edited and edited my reply with intent to make my “voice” read as if I was speaking it. Not an easy thing to respond to, but I was as truthful as I could be.
One Spiritual Teacher of mine had a different phrasing, yet same idea: Truth always has kindness in it. I morphed it for me to "'Capital T" Truth always has kindness in it"
THE KING IS IN THE ROOM 🙌 Do you want to know my heart?💜 Look to the cross ✝️ I am who I am because I’ve been REDEEMED.
I am writing this one down so I can see it every day. Thank you.
IS THE STORY I'VE BEEN TELLING MYSELF/REPEATING OVER THE YEARS JUST AN "INTERESTING MYTHOLOGY"? Stephen Jenkinson
Just heard this today and it has captured my curiosity (-along with my tendency to want to "be right"). Maybe parts (or all?) are just creative lies I've been repeating to myself....
(from a professional juggler:) "I AM NOT THE DROP: I AM MY BEST CATCH". Stop belittling yourself; be-big yourself!